Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Just an update
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 600997" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh Barbara, it is a sad story. You've really gone through the mill with both of your children. And, you've emerged such a warm, gentle and compassionate soul. So much of your story I can empathize with..........my sister is bi-polar, with many other dxes, I raised her.......she was drawn to all the other kids who were considered bad or weird........she repeatedly ran away..........she is very, very smart...........at one point she drank too much.....ultimately she had a complete breakdown and was hospitalized and I think that helped her. However, as a result of that breakdown, she distanced herself from every family member, including me. She hasn't spoken to me in 15 years. My daughter had night terrors too. Both of them were intense as kids and when they got into their 30's is when the mental issues got them and it began unraveling. I've lost my brother to schizophrenia, my sister to bi-polar, my daughter to some unspecified illness..........your last line......<em>Poor difficult child. She has had such a battle..</em>......just brought tears to my eyes.......</p><p></p><p>They fight their own battles, we can't enter into that world to know what that is like for them and as a result we stand along the sidelines watching, waiting, listening, wondering, fearful for them, always trying to make it better, learning to live with the hole in our hearts, .........it can be a terrible place to be. I am so sorry this has been your experience. It has been mine too. It doesn't do any good to blame yourself, or suffer, or rail against it, all we can do is accept it and take the next step. It is truly amazing that we humans can experience this heartbreak and continue on..........</p><p></p><p>All those questions you pose, is it mental illness, it is the Cymbalta, the illicit drugs............similar to my questions, was it the suicide, was it the mother in law's abusive blame, was it me, was it my parents, what exactly caused all of this, why did this happen, where did it start............I still don't know, I still have no idea what happened, all I know is that it happened, it's here, it's part of my life, my story, my history, my darkness. </p><p></p><p>My daughter, my sister and my brother all have to find a way to live in their world, and to some degree they have........not the way I choose to live..........I recall rescuing my brother from the streets of L.A. many years ago, bringing him home, trying to give him a "normal" life.........got him a job, a car, thought I was really helping him. Then one day he tells me, " I have to go back to L.A., it's too boring here." I had to take a step back and think he had lived on the streets for years and years and I guess from that vantage point, a safe, comfortable house looked pretty benign. My other brother and I arranged for him to live in a kind of flea bag boarding house in L.A. where he still lives today. He is not aware that he is what I would term "living marginally" ...........he is living his life.</p><p></p><p>My sister is an artist and lives in her own home and is very accomplished. She can't relate to people and spends most of her time in her studio, creating. She's worked out a life that works for her. The jury is still out on my daughter, who seems to need more dangerous interactions and outcomes, more drama and disappointment, so I am not sure where that will lead, but it is her life to choose. </p><p></p><p>Barbara, I don't think in their minds they are in the dire straights we believe they are in, they have a very different point of view. I spent so much time worrying and really freaking out in fear and then my daughter would show up and say, "I'm going bowling." Or some other completely incongruent statement unrelated to the intensity she was presently living in. Then the next time, she would be sobbing on the floor, unable to move, as broken as you can imagine and I would cave in and just give her whatever she needed. As soon as she got it, off she would go, happy to have a sandwich and a full tank of gas. It can make you, the parent, go out of your mind because it is just not REAL. </p><p></p><p>I think our difficult child's find comfort in others who they feel are like them, what you term, bad people. My sister and daughter have friends like that too. They seem more broken and lost to me then bad, kind of outcasts, outlaws, people who walk a very different line then you or I. Since that is where our daughter's gravitate, I presume that is where they feel the best about themselves, it must be so hard to never live up to the expectations we all have of them, to be "normal" to do things "right"..............if they can't live up to those expectations, perhaps it's better to not live up to any, or not have any to live up to. I think my daughter feels like a big disappointment to me. I don't think she feels that way with her "friends." She can't live in my world and I can't live in hers. The sadness in that could keep me crying all the time, but I have to continually choose to be okay, peaceful, happy.</p><p></p><p>You've done so much for your son and your daughter. It seems like it's time to step back and rest now. The kids are safe. difficult child is as safe as she can be in the world she lives in. I hope you and husband can find peace now. I wish that for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 600997, member: 13542"] Oh Barbara, it is a sad story. You've really gone through the mill with both of your children. And, you've emerged such a warm, gentle and compassionate soul. So much of your story I can empathize with..........my sister is bi-polar, with many other dxes, I raised her.......she was drawn to all the other kids who were considered bad or weird........she repeatedly ran away..........she is very, very smart...........at one point she drank too much.....ultimately she had a complete breakdown and was hospitalized and I think that helped her. However, as a result of that breakdown, she distanced herself from every family member, including me. She hasn't spoken to me in 15 years. My daughter had night terrors too. Both of them were intense as kids and when they got into their 30's is when the mental issues got them and it began unraveling. I've lost my brother to schizophrenia, my sister to bi-polar, my daughter to some unspecified illness..........your last line......[I]Poor difficult child. She has had such a battle..[/I]......just brought tears to my eyes....... They fight their own battles, we can't enter into that world to know what that is like for them and as a result we stand along the sidelines watching, waiting, listening, wondering, fearful for them, always trying to make it better, learning to live with the hole in our hearts, .........it can be a terrible place to be. I am so sorry this has been your experience. It has been mine too. It doesn't do any good to blame yourself, or suffer, or rail against it, all we can do is accept it and take the next step. It is truly amazing that we humans can experience this heartbreak and continue on.......... All those questions you pose, is it mental illness, it is the Cymbalta, the illicit drugs............similar to my questions, was it the suicide, was it the mother in law's abusive blame, was it me, was it my parents, what exactly caused all of this, why did this happen, where did it start............I still don't know, I still have no idea what happened, all I know is that it happened, it's here, it's part of my life, my story, my history, my darkness. My daughter, my sister and my brother all have to find a way to live in their world, and to some degree they have........not the way I choose to live..........I recall rescuing my brother from the streets of L.A. many years ago, bringing him home, trying to give him a "normal" life.........got him a job, a car, thought I was really helping him. Then one day he tells me, " I have to go back to L.A., it's too boring here." I had to take a step back and think he had lived on the streets for years and years and I guess from that vantage point, a safe, comfortable house looked pretty benign. My other brother and I arranged for him to live in a kind of flea bag boarding house in L.A. where he still lives today. He is not aware that he is what I would term "living marginally" ...........he is living his life. My sister is an artist and lives in her own home and is very accomplished. She can't relate to people and spends most of her time in her studio, creating. She's worked out a life that works for her. The jury is still out on my daughter, who seems to need more dangerous interactions and outcomes, more drama and disappointment, so I am not sure where that will lead, but it is her life to choose. Barbara, I don't think in their minds they are in the dire straights we believe they are in, they have a very different point of view. I spent so much time worrying and really freaking out in fear and then my daughter would show up and say, "I'm going bowling." Or some other completely incongruent statement unrelated to the intensity she was presently living in. Then the next time, she would be sobbing on the floor, unable to move, as broken as you can imagine and I would cave in and just give her whatever she needed. As soon as she got it, off she would go, happy to have a sandwich and a full tank of gas. It can make you, the parent, go out of your mind because it is just not REAL. I think our difficult child's find comfort in others who they feel are like them, what you term, bad people. My sister and daughter have friends like that too. They seem more broken and lost to me then bad, kind of outcasts, outlaws, people who walk a very different line then you or I. Since that is where our daughter's gravitate, I presume that is where they feel the best about themselves, it must be so hard to never live up to the expectations we all have of them, to be "normal" to do things "right"..............if they can't live up to those expectations, perhaps it's better to not live up to any, or not have any to live up to. I think my daughter feels like a big disappointment to me. I don't think she feels that way with her "friends." She can't live in my world and I can't live in hers. The sadness in that could keep me crying all the time, but I have to continually choose to be okay, peaceful, happy. You've done so much for your son and your daughter. It seems like it's time to step back and rest now. The kids are safe. difficult child is as safe as she can be in the world she lives in. I hope you and husband can find peace now. I wish that for you. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Just an update
Top