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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 75501" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Our middle two kids have been sometime cutters. For them it was internal pain that they were trying to find a way to express. My daughter especially hid it thoroughly. It came from loneliness; poor self-worth; frustration and probably some anger in there as well.</p><p></p><p>Taking away sharp things is NOT the way to handle it. Not at all. It then becomes a challenge and the cutting takes on the added perspective of attention-seeking (which it isn't necessarily, to begin with).</p><p></p><p>To stop them cutting, you have to stop what is driving them to cut. And for that, you have to really do some digging. </p><p></p><p>An alternative to cutting for a kid who really does want to stop, is to wear a reubber band around the wrist. When they feel an urge to self-mutilate, they snap the band, hard. it gives a similar short, sharp pain and will even leave a red welt which hopefully is close enough to the sight of blood to send them a visual signal of "I have hurt myself" only this time, with out permanent damage. It's a way of weaning off without making them stop cold turkey.</p><p></p><p>Kids in the US have different problems to kids in Australia, in some areas. Our kids do have some sexual pressure but not the same sort, not the same degree of exploitation and isolation if you refuse to participate. And it's not everywhere in the US. But from what I have seen of it (various documentaries) it would be enough to do this to a girl. Who knows? There could be many other factors she feels she can't talk to anyone about, and a counsellor might find out and make her feel even worse about herself than she already does. Drugs and alcohol are all that makes her feel better, to forget how awful she feels constantly.</p><p></p><p>Serious suggestion - what about getting her studying school in some other way (ie not at high school) and working full-time? Planning a career now? As she begins to gain qualifications which she can directly use, she may start feeling better about herself and need these crutches less and less.</p><p></p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 stopped cutting when she got her first serious boyfriend, but it wasn't an easy relationship especially as time went on. She increasingly would get drunk and caused a few nasty incidents, with hindsight it was the problems in her relationship which were contributing. She just didn't know how to change the situation - he was being very demanding and selfish, in every way including sexually. Her self-esteem was plummetting again - if he hadn't broken up with her she would have begun cutting again. The sort of problem - he would EXPECT and INSIST on her giving him oral sex, even though he hadn't washed in a week. And he would constantly come out with put-downs designed to really hurt her, by openly criticising her (very young-seeming) body and publicly voicing her own inadequacies. Very nasty.</p><p></p><p>I really wanted to protect from all this - I only found out through a few very frank conversations, AFTER they had broken up. If only she had told me - but then, what I would have done to that boy wouldn't bear thinking about. What husband would have done to him would have been actionable.</p><p>But that boy - HE didn't know better, his self-esteem was similarly disastrous.</p><p></p><p>We like to think our teens' lives are simple - school, study, friends, part-time job, home. But it's so much more complex than that - so unbelievably complex, and they often are not emotionally equipped to cope, and then they get in so deep they're afraid to talk to anybody about their problems because if THEY feel bad about what they are doing themselves, what on earth will their parents or their counsellors think? To see the look of hurt and disappointment in a parents or a counsellor's eyes is sometimes more than they can bring themselves to handle.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if any of this can help you - it's about the best I can do for now. Adolescence is a really nasty time to endure, for both the kid and the parent.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 75501, member: 1991"] Our middle two kids have been sometime cutters. For them it was internal pain that they were trying to find a way to express. My daughter especially hid it thoroughly. It came from loneliness; poor self-worth; frustration and probably some anger in there as well. Taking away sharp things is NOT the way to handle it. Not at all. It then becomes a challenge and the cutting takes on the added perspective of attention-seeking (which it isn't necessarily, to begin with). To stop them cutting, you have to stop what is driving them to cut. And for that, you have to really do some digging. An alternative to cutting for a kid who really does want to stop, is to wear a reubber band around the wrist. When they feel an urge to self-mutilate, they snap the band, hard. it gives a similar short, sharp pain and will even leave a red welt which hopefully is close enough to the sight of blood to send them a visual signal of "I have hurt myself" only this time, with out permanent damage. It's a way of weaning off without making them stop cold turkey. Kids in the US have different problems to kids in Australia, in some areas. Our kids do have some sexual pressure but not the same sort, not the same degree of exploitation and isolation if you refuse to participate. And it's not everywhere in the US. But from what I have seen of it (various documentaries) it would be enough to do this to a girl. Who knows? There could be many other factors she feels she can't talk to anyone about, and a counsellor might find out and make her feel even worse about herself than she already does. Drugs and alcohol are all that makes her feel better, to forget how awful she feels constantly. Serious suggestion - what about getting her studying school in some other way (ie not at high school) and working full-time? Planning a career now? As she begins to gain qualifications which she can directly use, she may start feeling better about herself and need these crutches less and less. easy child 2/difficult child 2 stopped cutting when she got her first serious boyfriend, but it wasn't an easy relationship especially as time went on. She increasingly would get drunk and caused a few nasty incidents, with hindsight it was the problems in her relationship which were contributing. She just didn't know how to change the situation - he was being very demanding and selfish, in every way including sexually. Her self-esteem was plummetting again - if he hadn't broken up with her she would have begun cutting again. The sort of problem - he would EXPECT and INSIST on her giving him oral sex, even though he hadn't washed in a week. And he would constantly come out with put-downs designed to really hurt her, by openly criticising her (very young-seeming) body and publicly voicing her own inadequacies. Very nasty. I really wanted to protect from all this - I only found out through a few very frank conversations, AFTER they had broken up. If only she had told me - but then, what I would have done to that boy wouldn't bear thinking about. What husband would have done to him would have been actionable. But that boy - HE didn't know better, his self-esteem was similarly disastrous. We like to think our teens' lives are simple - school, study, friends, part-time job, home. But it's so much more complex than that - so unbelievably complex, and they often are not emotionally equipped to cope, and then they get in so deep they're afraid to talk to anybody about their problems because if THEY feel bad about what they are doing themselves, what on earth will their parents or their counsellors think? To see the look of hurt and disappointment in a parents or a counsellor's eyes is sometimes more than they can bring themselves to handle. I don't know if any of this can help you - it's about the best I can do for now. Adolescence is a really nasty time to endure, for both the kid and the parent. Marg [/QUOTE]
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