Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Just frustrated
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 733979" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Trying, I think what you are hearing from your son is really difficult stuff to endure. There are solutions out there for him, but he is just not ready. It seems that as long as he is able to dump his problems on you, that is sufficient for him. It is a relationship pattern that only you can break the cycle. </p><p>When I was in the thick of it with my two, I had a good friend at work that I lunched with. Our conversation would always segway to what was happening with my daughters, until she lovingly told me that I needed to go to counseling. She was right. I was so intently focused on their problems and it overwhelmed our lunchtimes. It was too much for her and she could see that it was too much for me.This made me think more about seeking professional help, and I realized how consumed I was. It is not that you don’t have feelings. You are not a terrible mother. You are tired of offering solutions to a brick wall.</p><p>It is very telling that his texts stopped. You weren’t giving him the opportunity to take away from the celebration. Good. You are setting boundaries and that is what parents do. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your son, or have concern for him. You are showing him that he has to take responsibility for his life. Our d cs can be very selfish and entitled. They don’t consider how their choices effect themselves or others. It is a strange existence, making choices that cause self harm, then expecting loved ones to feel sorry for them and rescue them. I have felt for a long time that we humans get stuck in these cycles and patterns. We are destined to keep repeating, until we learn and want better.</p><p>You are not a bad mother Trying. You just want better for your son. He has to be the one to decide that. <em>You</em> can decide what<em> you are willing to put up with.</em> His constant complaining to you, yet doing nothing to help himself is wearing you down. I think it is okay to let him know that. If he continues on in the same pattern, it is okay to draw the line and say enough. He will have to look inward for solutions. Not relieve himself of his troubles by spewing them at your feet. That is an unfair, lopsided relationship. He is not even thinking about how this makes you feel. “I can’t listen to this anymore, it hurts me, you need to do something to help yourself.”</p><p> I am so glad for you and your daughter. My other adult children helped me switch focus. I realized how much time hubs and I spent trying to help my two, our grands, our three other children were kind of on the sidelines. There was such an imbalance of attention. In talking with them, they are very stoic about their siblings and the long difficult road we have all endured. They have removed themselves emotionally from the situation. They are tired of it too.</p><p>It doesn’t mean they don’t love their sisters. They are not going to let their choices and consequences impact their lives. I learned a lot from my healthy kids. Their position helped me to switch focus and stop going down that rabbit hole. My two wayward daughters, in their drug abusing, addictive state of mind, probably think that we don’t care. But that is addictions grip. I work hard to keep it from gripping me again, fool me into thinking that if I am in despair over my twos choices, that is <em>loving</em> them. It gets tricky. I think that is one of life’s patterns with addiction. It draws loved ones into this web of desperately trying to fix something <em>we have no control over. </em>Disentangling from that web, is not easy. The addict will try to keep us caught up in their lives, try to manipulate us into feeling responsible for their choices, try to keep us spinning and wringing our hands.</p><p>Seeing this is happening is a first step. Then we can start to slowly unravel from the unhealthy patterns.</p><p>You are not a therapist, or a counselor. You are a mother. You matter, your time and peace of mind <em>matters</em>.</p><p> If your son has no social life, no friends, that is on <em>him</em>. It is a choice. He has relied heavily on you, to listen to his problems, but won’t take steps to help himself. This is a pattern. If <em>you</em> break free from the pattern, it forces him to look inward.</p><p>That’s what he needs to do, look inward.</p><p>We all need to look at ourselves and recognize unhealthy choices and do better. That’s life.</p><p>Take your life back one day at a time and lead by example. Set boundaries.</p><p>That’s what I am focusing on. I am not a rock, or unfeeling. I am tired too. Tired of putting my life on hold, waiting for my two to wake up. They will do what they want, they are adults. I raised them to do better. I cannot fix them. They have to want better for themselves.</p><p>It is a work in progress, some days are better than others. Life is short and I would like to have some peace of mind and joy before I meet my Maker.</p><p>Our adult children are stuck in a rut. On this downward spiral. Sychronistically spiraling down with them makes no sense.</p><p> Someone has to pull up and out.</p><p>That’s us, Trying.</p><p>Here’s to pulling up and out.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 733979, member: 19522"] Trying, I think what you are hearing from your son is really difficult stuff to endure. There are solutions out there for him, but he is just not ready. It seems that as long as he is able to dump his problems on you, that is sufficient for him. It is a relationship pattern that only you can break the cycle. When I was in the thick of it with my two, I had a good friend at work that I lunched with. Our conversation would always segway to what was happening with my daughters, until she lovingly told me that I needed to go to counseling. She was right. I was so intently focused on their problems and it overwhelmed our lunchtimes. It was too much for her and she could see that it was too much for me.This made me think more about seeking professional help, and I realized how consumed I was. It is not that you don’t have feelings. You are not a terrible mother. You are tired of offering solutions to a brick wall. It is very telling that his texts stopped. You weren’t giving him the opportunity to take away from the celebration. Good. You are setting boundaries and that is what parents do. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your son, or have concern for him. You are showing him that he has to take responsibility for his life. Our d cs can be very selfish and entitled. They don’t consider how their choices effect themselves or others. It is a strange existence, making choices that cause self harm, then expecting loved ones to feel sorry for them and rescue them. I have felt for a long time that we humans get stuck in these cycles and patterns. We are destined to keep repeating, until we learn and want better. You are not a bad mother Trying. You just want better for your son. He has to be the one to decide that. [I]You[/I] can decide what[I] you are willing to put up with.[/I] His constant complaining to you, yet doing nothing to help himself is wearing you down. I think it is okay to let him know that. If he continues on in the same pattern, it is okay to draw the line and say enough. He will have to look inward for solutions. Not relieve himself of his troubles by spewing them at your feet. That is an unfair, lopsided relationship. He is not even thinking about how this makes you feel. “I can’t listen to this anymore, it hurts me, you need to do something to help yourself.” I am so glad for you and your daughter. My other adult children helped me switch focus. I realized how much time hubs and I spent trying to help my two, our grands, our three other children were kind of on the sidelines. There was such an imbalance of attention. In talking with them, they are very stoic about their siblings and the long difficult road we have all endured. They have removed themselves emotionally from the situation. They are tired of it too. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their sisters. They are not going to let their choices and consequences impact their lives. I learned a lot from my healthy kids. Their position helped me to switch focus and stop going down that rabbit hole. My two wayward daughters, in their drug abusing, addictive state of mind, probably think that we don’t care. But that is addictions grip. I work hard to keep it from gripping me again, fool me into thinking that if I am in despair over my twos choices, that is [I]loving[/I] them. It gets tricky. I think that is one of life’s patterns with addiction. It draws loved ones into this web of desperately trying to fix something [I]we have no control over. [/I]Disentangling from that web, is not easy. The addict will try to keep us caught up in their lives, try to manipulate us into feeling responsible for their choices, try to keep us spinning and wringing our hands. Seeing this is happening is a first step. Then we can start to slowly unravel from the unhealthy patterns. You are not a therapist, or a counselor. You are a mother. You matter, your time and peace of mind [I]matters[/I]. If your son has no social life, no friends, that is on [I]him[/I]. It is a choice. He has relied heavily on you, to listen to his problems, but won’t take steps to help himself. This is a pattern. If [I]you[/I] break free from the pattern, it forces him to look inward. That’s what he needs to do, look inward. We all need to look at ourselves and recognize unhealthy choices and do better. That’s life. Take your life back one day at a time and lead by example. Set boundaries. That’s what I am focusing on. I am not a rock, or unfeeling. I am tired too. Tired of putting my life on hold, waiting for my two to wake up. They will do what they want, they are adults. I raised them to do better. I cannot fix them. They have to want better for themselves. It is a work in progress, some days are better than others. Life is short and I would like to have some peace of mind and joy before I meet my Maker. Our adult children are stuck in a rut. On this downward spiral. Sychronistically spiraling down with them makes no sense. Someone has to pull up and out. That’s us, Trying. Here’s to pulling up and out. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Just frustrated
Top