Just frustrated

[tryingtobestrong]

Sunday night phone call again with adult son sobbing.....(his girlfriend left him after a longterm relationship a few weeks ago due to him abusing alcohol and just turning into a different person)
This is the 3rd Sunday night... I have no clue what to say anymore.. I have tried so now I just sit there and listen to him cry. He cries that he has no friends there (he moved to different state 2 years ago and never when out of his way to meet people because he had his girlfriend there). I offered suggestions as to how and where to meet friends. I found an organization that doesn't drug test but would like you to be sober... It is close to where he works and they work out or just socialize... Nope, he won't go because you are to be sober....
I suggested going to church... NOPE!
So he calls tonight again crying telling me how nothing I say is working. I have told him to focus on himself and try to get healthier ( he is over 350lbs ) I felt that once he felt better about himself he would feel better as a whole... Cries and tells me that he has nothing to live for. The one he lived for hates him... His life is falling apart piece by piece.... I suggested again that he goes to rehab and takes 30 days to focus on himself... I get "I don't want to focus on myself! I don't care about myself. I only care about her and she hates me"... I told him if he doesn't care about himself and he talks like that who would want to be with him?
I guess I should just keep my mouth shut but I am sick of it. I have said if nothing changes, nothing will change. I have offered to pay for a therapist... I get "talking will make it worse, he won't go"

I think I will say if he says again that she hates him... "and why would she hate you? what did you do?" Unless, that is overstepping boundaries? I seriously don't have anything else I can say or offer. This is the life he wants I guess. Refusing anything I suggest. I told him I was going to call 911 and then he seemed to change a bit.
If he doesn't care about helping himself, there isn't much I can do.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Its Mother's day and not even a Happy Mother's day from him but then again, why would I expect it ... I never get a Happy Birthday either.
someone said at Alanon this week.... That their son shows no empathy for anyone because he doesn't care about himself so he can't care about anyone else?

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. I'm sorry he put you through this. I have different ideas about the lack of empathy as many people with poor self esteem have much empathy for others.

A few thoughts. He doesn't care about anyone because the thing he really loves is his substance of choice. Then again, he sounds very self absorbed and full of self pity. I feel there is no excuse for an adult child to forget that we have feelings too....it is childlike and not a good trait and it is time for him to grow up but you can't do anything about it. To me it doesn't sound as if he doesn't care about himself in spite of his words. Words are cheap. Actions matter. His
actions and lack of caring toward you sound to me as if the only person he cares about is himself and that he cares about himself very much...maybe more than anyone else. And he knows how to play you for pity. Maybe he hopes you will throw him a ton of money so he can work less hard.

My oldest is a bit like your son in that he rejects all my suggestions so his life is always the same as he won't make changes. His life is not exactly a mess but he is lonely too and has anxiety but won't get treatment. He did call to wish me Happy Mother's Day then it turned into a whoa is me conversation all about himself. He rarely talks about anyone but himself and his troubles.

I have stopped suggesting anything because it is useless. At your son's age, and mine, they can not be helped by us. They have to do it themselves or else they will stay the same. You can only control one person in the world...yourself. You can talk to your son 24/7 and he won't change until HE decides to. And in my opinion it is not your business to ask about his relationship. It's intrusive. He is a man even if he doesn't act like one.

I personally wouldn't listen to that degree of self centered pity. It would bother me...I would probably say I had to go. I do that often with my oldest. If it starts to get too long and depressing I make an excuse to get off. You are important and your stress and mental health matters. That can't be good for your mental health.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I hope you have other kids, like I do, and could enjoy part of your Mother's Day with them. You deserve it! I always have so much fun with my other three but they do not let anything stop them from being happy and are very loving. I wish my oldest would engage with them, but he won't (shrug).

Love and light!

 

[Albatross]

I’m sorry that happened to you on Mother’s Day. I hope you and daughter had a good celebration. How was her graduation?

He might not even remember the call,Trying. Next time tell him not to call you when he’s been drinking, and hang up.

 

[Triedntrue]

I agree with you about nothing changes if nothing changes. You need to change your relationship with him for his sake. If he is drunk tell him to call back when he is sober. If he threatens self harn tell him you are going to call 911 and do it. If he says he is depressed tell him HE needs to find help. If he says he doesnt feel good because of his weight tell him see a dr. Also throw in some I statements about you. I love you but you are stressing me out and i need to take care of my health. It is time you take control of your life i have the right to enjoy mine. You are the only one who can change your life and i need to focus on mine. I will always love you but i need .....

 

[tryingtobestrong]

I don't know if he was drunk when he called. He didn't sound drunk just an emotional mess. Sobbing uncontrollably.
At one point I did say I would call 911 and he said no he isn't going to hurt himself he just doesn't care about himself. Doesn't feel talking to anyone will help, won't go to the group of men and women his age for the workout/socialization because you have to be sober- not using weed, etc. for 48 hours prior.
When he called back the 2nd time, I left my husband deal with him. I was done.
I'm going to tell him when he calls again that he has 2 choices....#1 do nothing and this is his life or #2 do something to change it like getting help, go to AA or go to the group to meet people.

If he doesn't care about himself, who would want to care about him! No one wants to be with someone like that who is always so negative and down on himself.

I feel like a terrible mother for not having any feelings anymore. I am tired of it.

by the way.... My daughter's graduation was AWESOME~ She was smiling the entire day. The rain held off and it was outside. Just beautiful. She was so happy and we all enjoyed it. I did receive a text from my son 15 minutes prior to it starting that he was feeling down and wanted to face time.... I replied "Not until later today. Told him to focus on himself and I see no reason why he couldn't at least go to that organization to see what it was all about - one or 2 times wouldn't hurt just to see.' Texts stopped then.
So, yes, my daughters graduation was wonderful. Two professors came up to me and told me how I should to be very proud of her. I told them I was beyond proud of her. She is a beautiful young woman inside and out.

 

[New Leaf]

Trying, I think what you are hearing from your son is really difficult stuff to endure. There are solutions out there for him, but he is just not ready. It seems that as long as he is able to dump his problems on you, that is sufficient for him. It is a relationship pattern that only you can break the cycle.
When I was in the thick of it with my two, I had a good friend at work that I lunched with. Our conversation would always segway to what was happening with my daughters, until she lovingly told me that I needed to go to counseling. She was right. I was so intently focused on their problems and it overwhelmed our lunchtimes. It was too much for her and she could see that it was too much for me.This made me think more about seeking professional help, and I realized how consumed I was.

I feel like a terrible mother for not having any feelings anymore. I am tired of it.

It is not that you don’t have feelings. You are not a terrible mother. You are tired of offering solutions to a brick wall.

I replied "Not until later today. Told him to focus on himself and I see no reason why he couldn't at least go to that organization to see what it was all about - one or 2 times wouldn't hurt just to see.' Texts stopped then

It is very telling that his texts stopped. You weren’t giving him the opportunity to take away from the celebration. Good. You are setting boundaries and that is what parents do. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your son, or have concern for him. You are showing him that he has to take responsibility for his life. Our d cs can be very selfish and entitled. They don’t consider how their choices effect themselves or others. It is a strange existence, making choices that cause self harm, then expecting loved ones to feel sorry for them and rescue them. I have felt for a long time that we humans get stuck in these cycles and patterns. We are destined to keep repeating, until we learn and want better.
You are not a bad mother Trying. You just want better for your son. He has to be the one to decide that. You can decide what you are willing to put up with. His constant complaining to you, yet doing nothing to help himself is wearing you down. I think it is okay to let him know that. If he continues on in the same pattern, it is okay to draw the line and say enough. He will have to look inward for solutions. Not relieve himself of his troubles by spewing them at your feet. That is an unfair, lopsided relationship. He is not even thinking about how this makes you feel. “I can’t listen to this anymore, it hurts me, you need to do something to help yourself.”

So, yes, my daughters graduation was wonderful. Two professors came up to me and told me how I should to be very proud of her. I told them I was beyond proud of her. She is a beautiful young woman inside and out.

I am so glad for you and your daughter. My other adult children helped me switch focus. I realized how much time hubs and I spent trying to help my two, our grands, our three other children were kind of on the sidelines. There was such an imbalance of attention. In talking with them, they are very stoic about their siblings and the long difficult road we have all endured. They have removed themselves emotionally from the situation. They are tired of it too.
It doesn’t mean they don’t love their sisters. They are not going to let their choices and consequences impact their lives. I learned a lot from my healthy kids. Their position helped me to switch focus and stop going down that rabbit hole. My two wayward daughters, in their drug abusing, addictive state of mind, probably think that we don’t care. But that is addictions grip. I work hard to keep it from gripping me again, fool me into thinking that if I am in despair over my twos choices, that is loving them. It gets tricky. I think that is one of life’s patterns with addiction. It draws loved ones into this web of desperately trying to fix something we have no control over. Disentangling from that web, is not easy. The addict will try to keep us caught up in their lives, try to manipulate us into feeling responsible for their choices, try to keep us spinning and wringing our hands.
Seeing this is happening is a first step. Then we can start to slowly unravel from the unhealthy patterns.
You are not a therapist, or a counselor. You are a mother. You matter, your time and peace of mind matters.
If your son has no social life, no friends, that is on him. It is a choice. He has relied heavily on you, to listen to his problems, but won’t take steps to help himself. This is a pattern. If you break free from the pattern, it forces him to look inward.
That’s what he needs to do, look inward.
We all need to look at ourselves and recognize unhealthy choices and do better. That’s life.
Take your life back one day at a time and lead by example. Set boundaries.
That’s what I am focusing on. I am not a rock, or unfeeling. I am tired too. Tired of putting my life on hold, waiting for my two to wake up. They will do what they want, they are adults. I raised them to do better. I cannot fix them. They have to want better for themselves.
It is a work in progress, some days are better than others. Life is short and I would like to have some peace of mind and joy before I meet my Maker.
Our adult children are stuck in a rut. On this downward spiral. Sychronistically spiraling down with them makes no sense.
Someone has to pull up and out.
That’s us, Trying.
Here’s to pulling up and out.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy