Just spoke with- difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Feb 19, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    And he's not a happy person. He is threatening suicide and says he's been cutting worse than he ever has. He doesn't know when he's being transported back for his court and people have told him that he'll probably go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Now, he was fine with that before- he seemed to have accepted that he couldn't come home right away and just couldn't stand the thought of state juvy. He said his psychiatrist told him that everyone wanted him to go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) except PO who would be asking for difficult child to go to detention.

    I thought I was helping to tell difficult child that PO will probably not win this one because GAL and CA were on board with him going to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). But, difficult child said he would fight anyone who came to get him and he was staying there until he could come home. (Don't you love this rational thinking?) He said several times that he would kill himself. I asked why he wanted to die and he said he didn't, that he was using his life against me. I said I was glad he could see that. He talked about his "plan" to fight whomever tried to transport him and I suggested that he not dig himself in deeper. He said he didn't care- he wasn't going down easy.

    Then he proceeded to tell me that all this was my fault for snitching on him. I told him he couldn't be pulling a knife on me. He said I was mean when he was little, then I got ok for a couple of years but then I got mean again and this is what made him the way he is. He said I had problems and I didn't take repsonsibility for them and that's what made him this way. (This is why we really need a PO and extended family that blame difficult child's problems on me. )

    So, I said I guess there's not much point in me coming to visit tomorrow and he said no there isn't, that he would only yell at me. I asked why he was so mad at me now when everything has been fine and he said he's mad at everyone. No one there cares about him or is helping him. He said our phone time was up and he had to go.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, k, I'm so sorry he's having such a rough time, and that he's taking it out on you. Sending hugs and prayers.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I'm so sorry. I know that hurt you. He's lashing out right now, i know you know this logically yet when it's your child talking to you that way, logical leaves at times.

    Is he recieving counseling where he is, how is that going as of late?

    sending you alot of hugs (((hugs)))
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    K....listen...since he told you that he didnt want you to go up there tomorrow and if you did he would yell at you....DONT GO! Call his bluff. He isnt 3. He is far old enough to know what he is saying. Listen...I do know what all this is like. I have had to remove myself from visits several times. If difficult child is threatening to kill himself or fight whomever is going to transport him...dont feed his bs. Stay home.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thankk you both. He also said he's only slept about 4 hours a night the past several nights. He says he lies awake and listens to staff so he'll know everything going on. Then he said he walks around half asleep all day. So, I understand he's edgy and it's a good thing he's in a secure environment right now. I wish he didn't have to leave- I couldn't tell him, but I do agree that if he could stay there for several months, these people could help him most. The problem is that I don't think they will- but, they might keep him longer than originally planned. I just don't know.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You snuck in, Janet!! I'm going for the team meeting- but I will tell them why I'm not staying to visit difficult child. At least he basicly admitted that he's doing a lot of this stuff to manipulate me. "He's using his life against me". I know he must be feeling a lot of stress, so I bit my tongue. But, I wanted to say "it was me that gave YOU that life".

    Here's the best news: There are sirens all through the neighborhood right now. It doesn't have anything to do with my son and they aren't coming to my house tonight.
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2009
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Okay I'm laughing -- I know it's wrong, but I can't help it!

    What I want to know is HOW he can still be cutting when he's in a place like that? Or do you think he is just saying that to get a reaction from you?

    I agree with the others about not buying into his angry taunts. Don't go visit him since he said not to come.

    I'm sorry his anxiety is so sky high right now. He is just lashing out at anything that moves, it seems. The lack of sleep doesn't help. I would hope someone is paying attention to that where he is and figuring out what to do about it.

    Hang in there. You are doing a good job of detaching, despite the crap he's trying to dump on you. (((((HUGS)))))
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's why I want to be in attendance for this meeting tomorrow- plus, I want a written copy of the report in my hands for court.

    As far as how he's cutting- he is telling the truth- or at least, last week I went to the meeting and they said he'd been cutting, then I visited difficult child after the meeting and he had the cut marks and he told me he'd torn a small piece of plastic off a laundry basket. Tonight, he said they had searched his room and couldn't find whatever it was. He said they could search all they wanted but they wouldn't find it. He said he could make something out of a toilet tissue roll or a piece of paper. He seems thrilled that they can't find whatever it is.
  9. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Have they thought of rewarding him for NOT cutting? Because right now it seems like a game and attention-getting tactic.
  10. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    ((HUGS)) to you.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aww, I'm sorry he is struggling and saying such mean things. I know how hurtful that is. Sending gentle hugs and continued prayers.
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I agree- right now it is manipulation. I don't know exactly how they are handling it. difficult child says they aren't doing anything except searching his room, but I tend to think they are evaluation'ing it. This is something else that will be discussed tomorrow. I was impressed last week at the communication between ward staff, therapist, psychiatrist, and sw. They all were very aware of how difficult child was doing/saying/acting and they were in agreement on how to handle things. I doubt we were all wrong that difficult child was not manipulating before- I tend to think difficult child figured out that this "protected" him before, so now he will manipulate.

    This might be why he feels like they don't care now- they might be aware that this is a little different so they are not going into "acute" mode. I was just trying to find the right line between playing into begging him not to hurt himself (which I didn't do) and letting him know that I love him and don't want him to hurt himself. I did tell him that he was right- he could find a way to kill himself if he was determined to. But that I hoped he didn't because I loved him and I thought we could work through this, but there was nothing I could do about him having to go to court.

    I had asked psychiatrist there before about postponing this court date, but he said he thought it would be better for difficult child to go through it while he had there support and safety and he was worried about what would happen to difficult child if they postponed a few months, then difficult child had to be in detention for a while awaiting that date. After psychiatrist explained that, it made sense to me. Now, he might go to the court and go right back where he is later that day until they feel like he is stable enough to deal with something else, but that will depend on what psychiatrist says tomorrow and on what judge rules.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aw, that is so sad that the conversation was so crummy and he's taking it all out on you. At least he admitted he's mad at everyone.
    And the fact that he is only getting 4 hrs of sleep a night is not helping. If he could go straight through for 8 or 9 hrs it would make such a difference.
    The idea that he is lording it over the staff for not being able to find his cutting device means he is seeking some sort of control. I can understand that. I'm sorry he chose something so destructive, though. People can be very clever (especially teenagers.)
    Rewarding him for NOT cutting is a good idea, in my humble opinion, Gcvmom.
    Let us know what you decide tomrrow, klmno.
  14. ML

    ML Guest

    I think you've gotten good advice and agree that you can't let him manipulate you. I am very sorry to hear that he's struggling and taking it out on you. None of this is your fault. You didn't cause this disease and you're doing the best you can. Thinking of you and sending hugs xo ML
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    K, I am so sorry. Phone calls like that are so rough. At least he told you it was manipulation that had him threatening these things. It might help if you called the nurse tonight and told them that he has been staying awake most of the night to listen to the staff - maybe they can look in on him to verify that this is true, or do something to induce sleep.

    I am glad you have a meeting, and that the docs/nurses all seem to communicate well. I hope the meeting goes well and you can all figure out some way to help him.

    He certainly doesn't sound at all stable.

  16. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I hate the word manipulation. I prefer to think of what's going on as his maladaptive way of coping with anxiety about his future.

    Truthfully, he sounds manic, anxious and depressed at the same time. The staying up until all hours of the night and the thrill about tricking authority figures appear to be sx of mania. And his threats of suicide and cutting are sx of anxiety and depression. His medications don't seem to be holding him at all right now, and I think you should point that out at the team meeting tomorrow.

    Hang in there, k.
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks everyone! SW- that is one of the reasons I want him to stay where he is as long as possible. I do believe they are keeping a close eye on him (someone even came and asked about him while we were on the phone for 15 mins). And, I need and want their help in sorting out what is mania and what is losing control due to anxiety that he can't cope with in a better way. The ward staff can't answer all those questions, but if they are maintaining the level of communication between staff/doctors that they exhibited last week, I think it's the best shot for getting to the root of difficult child's problems.

    I call it manipulation, but I don't think it's because difficult child doesn't care or that he's trying to be deviant. I do think he's reacting to anxiety and stress. I expect that they will bring that out tomorrow because before they had been saying that they see no behavior or mood lability in difficult child. Now, he's under stress and he's showing things that he exhibited at home. (Not to the extreme, but they know he's in a more secure environment).

    Whether or not this is truly mania/bipolar or poor coping skills on top of some unspecified mood disorder (anxiety and depression) is what we need to hone in on. Of course, CBT is necessary, too.