I had to chuckle about her saying this to you, while YOU are the one holding a hot iron... but seriously, she is like this for a number of reasons. A BIG reason - she has been doing this for some time, it is a habit she has gotten into, to speak to people this way. And it is something she learned, because the adults (? or maybe older kids - role models, anyway) have been responding to HER this way. Think about it - how many times do we either tel our kids this, or hear other adults in our kids lives, tell our kids, "I don't know why I bother to tell you things, I've already answered that so many times, you clearly didn't pay attention, I don't know why I bother."
I'm not saying she learned this from you. It could be her teachers. It could be anybody. I've done this myself because I learned this from MY mother and from other adults who were my role models.
easy child 2/difficult child 2 does this to me. So does difficult child 3 although since reading "The Explosive Child" i now feel I have the tools to change this bad pattern. I've been working on it but it takes time. There is a lag between the change in my behaviour, and in when she begins to get the message that communication doesn't have to be like this.
You are not only helping yourself by trying to change this, you are helping her learn better communication habits for when she has her own kids.
What you did was good. Don't be critical of your efforts because she got that 'tone'. You did good. It was worth a try.
here are some things I've tried as well, to begin to change the direction.
When she says, "I've already told everyone hundreds of times..." you step in and say gently, "I'm sorry, maybe you've told others. I don't remember you telling me. Could you tell me again, as if I didn't get told?"
If you continue meeting her rudeness with politeness and she continues to be rude, then stop what you're doing. Make eye contact and say (gently), "I'm not sure what is happening here. I'd really like to just chat. Nothing heavy, just small talk. No hidden agenda, just idle chat. You tell me about your world so I can feel a connection because over the years I've told you a lot about mine and will always tell you more. Can we start this over please?"
Or sometimes you just stop and say, "Hang on. I'm not after anything compromising. I just want the sort of chat people have with their hairdressers. So can we start over? Now, how have you been since you last popped in for your hair straightening? Read any good books lately?"
Make light of it, make a joke of it. She's reacting also because she thinks you're using the opportunity to pry and investigate, that you will put all sorts of deep meaning into the slightest innocent remark. As a result, she's over-sensitive, over-critical and very defensive.
Light conversation is actually the best way to give her the chance to talk if she needs to. But it is also an art in itself, one you both need to practice with each other.
I remember my mother & I used to sing rounds when she did my hair. We were a family that sang a lot, especially while washing up in the kitchen.
What is an important facet to polite, casual conversation is being non-judgemental. She needs to be able to talk to you about the various spats and tiffs in her circle of friends so if she tells you and also mentions something she may have said or done that was unsavoury, try to not respond with a judgement. Instead, you could quietly ask, "So how did that work?" or "What happened next?" You could even tell her a similar story from your past and mention something which you now realise you got wrong. You finish with some resolution along the lines of, "these things happen, none of us are perfect."
Sometimes our kids see us as too perfect, too hard to live up to. While we try to set standards they need to also see our humanity. A tightrope.
Heather, you are right in that she needs to lose this attitude if she is to not antagonise people all her life. But you can begin to teach her the art of light banter, it could be a start. If a more conventional topic is too likely to produce the reaction you got, then plan a question she won't expect, something light but original. Try to remember the sort of questions you dreaded when you were her age - and avoid them. How often did we get fed up with being asked what we wanted to do wen we grew up? I got fed up with answering, and then being challenged to justify my answer (which is how it seemed to me). Or after husband & I married, I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said to me, "So how is married life treating you?" I very quickly began to answer, "It's fine, except for the many times people keep asking me exactly that question." Then people got snippy with me. But if only they had known how fed up I was, always being asked the same question! And often by the same people, every time I saw them! They didn't really want to know, the question was simply an open admission that they felt awkward and didn't know how to begin a conversation.
Heather, if you had begun your conversation with your daughter by reminiscing out loud just as you did with us, it might have gone better. I could be wrong - she might have been suspicious of your motives even so.
She needs to learn that not all communication has strings attached, not all answers need to be weighed carefully and not all questions need to be carefully analysed for hidden traps.
I still get this with easy child 2/difficult child 2 (or did before she moved out a few weeks ago). She would come home from her college class in a temper, I would say, "Want to talk about it?"
She would flounce over to me. "I can't STAND my lecturer! She just doesn't understand - I get told one thing by one teacher then another thing by another teacher until I don't know what is the right thing to do. Then I ask for clarification, and all I get is, 'work it out for yourself.' Honestly, I get so cranky! It's just no good! NOBODY understands, not even you, so stop pretending you care because I know you don't, all you ever do is pick on me, it's not fair, I can't believe you asked me that!" and she flounces out of the room, when I've said nothing more than my initial question, "Want to talk about it?"
I had to recognise that this was NOT the time to call her on her unreasonableness or to make her come back and apologise. She needed to calm down. When she HAD calmed down enough(I hoped) I would usually begin with, "I gather you're stressed because of college. I'm here to help, but you need to keep in touch with who you're angry with, and why. If I ask you to talk about it, please don't attack me as if I'm the problem. You can always choose to not talk if it's upsetting you. However, if you CAN talk to me, then I'm better equipped to help you."
If I can, I take it further and remind her that she did include me in her general fury, but generally she either won't remember or refuses to remember. I've had to learn to just leave it, and try to prevent in future and I will walk out of the room if she starts to get too upset towards me, instead of the real cause.
I've also had to remember that she gets angry with me because she can; she has to hold that anger in rather than attack the people she is really angry with.
The ultimate aim is to get her to manage her own emotions without taking them out on anybody; to resolve the anger and frustration more appropriately. But that's a really long-term goal, we're not there yet.
Marg