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Just venting....
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 725503" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I agree that calm makes a much bigger impact. Our kids expect us to yell and order and threaten and bluster in loud voices. They don't expect us to be calm and to tell them how it is going to be. Or to disengage when they start lying to us or becoming abusive. </p><p></p><p>When we stay calm, or we disengage from abuse, it is changing the existing patterns of behavior. This upsets people greatly. Expect him to ramp up his bad behavior for a while in an attempt to get you to revert to your previous excitable behavior. Don't give in. Stay calm. Stick to whatever you have decided to do for consequences and just don't give him that excitable reaction.</p><p></p><p>You mentioned having not identified what you were feeling as anger. I completely know what you meant. I spent many years being unable to identify anger when I felt it unless it was an absolute out of control rage. One book helped me understand some of the reasons for that. You might find it interesting: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, Ph. D. Another book helped me control my anger more than this did, but this was great in helping me understand a lot of the why's behind why I couldn't identify my own anger. I need to know the why's before I consider a problem fully solved.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 725503, member: 1233"] I agree that calm makes a much bigger impact. Our kids expect us to yell and order and threaten and bluster in loud voices. They don't expect us to be calm and to tell them how it is going to be. Or to disengage when they start lying to us or becoming abusive. When we stay calm, or we disengage from abuse, it is changing the existing patterns of behavior. This upsets people greatly. Expect him to ramp up his bad behavior for a while in an attempt to get you to revert to your previous excitable behavior. Don't give in. Stay calm. Stick to whatever you have decided to do for consequences and just don't give him that excitable reaction. You mentioned having not identified what you were feeling as anger. I completely know what you meant. I spent many years being unable to identify anger when I felt it unless it was an absolute out of control rage. One book helped me understand some of the reasons for that. You might find it interesting: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, Ph. D. Another book helped me control my anger more than this did, but this was great in helping me understand a lot of the why's behind why I couldn't identify my own anger. I need to know the why's before I consider a problem fully solved. [/QUOTE]
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