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The Watercooler
Just wondering where "me" is
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<blockquote data-quote="Steely" data-source="post: 169112" data-attributes="member: 3301"><p>Thanks guys. You all said so much that I need to absorb and contemplate. I had not gotten to read your posts until tonight, and that was probably better, because I am in a better place to hear them. Each and every one of them deserves a re-read and a lot of contemplation.</p><p></p><p>Someone mentioned the little things, and it is funny because before I even read the board I came home from work, walked in the door, and my 3 dogs jumped up on me, and starting whining and licking me. It was the first time today I genuinely smiled, and I realized that sometimes it is the little things. Now the youngest one is trying to steal a granola bar and eat it wrapper and all without me noticing. I love these guys.</p><p></p><p>And yes, I think I am starting to feel anger at H now. Tons. Today I was consumed by anger. Anger towards H, my parents, the ding dong dip ****s at work. Seriously!</p><p>But also really angry at myself - for being here in my life. Yes, Fran I am utterly, deeply, lonely. Yet I find it nearly impossible to make friends on a deep level. </p><p></p><p>I don't get my family. I have not one possession of H.s. It was all given to her girlfriend, because that is what H told her friends she wanted if she died. OK, I can respect that - but not <em>one </em>thing? And now her best friend is visiting H's house, dog, girlfriend - but does not want to connect up with me? It is all really fishy and weird sounding to me. And yet my parents just want to honor H., and what she would have wanted without thinking twice about how weird it all is. I have lost everything. H., any possessions, any keepsakes - it is all just memories - and blurred ones at that.</p><p></p><p>And volunteering. Yes, I have to do that. I know it is a missing chunk in my life.</p><p></p><p>Anyway. Thanks again for all of your insight. You are a brilliant bunch of people, and I feel proud to be a part of us. Somehow I will figure this out. I am just so glad I can write it/talk it out........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steely, post: 169112, member: 3301"] Thanks guys. You all said so much that I need to absorb and contemplate. I had not gotten to read your posts until tonight, and that was probably better, because I am in a better place to hear them. Each and every one of them deserves a re-read and a lot of contemplation. Someone mentioned the little things, and it is funny because before I even read the board I came home from work, walked in the door, and my 3 dogs jumped up on me, and starting whining and licking me. It was the first time today I genuinely smiled, and I realized that sometimes it is the little things. Now the youngest one is trying to steal a granola bar and eat it wrapper and all without me noticing. I love these guys. And yes, I think I am starting to feel anger at H now. Tons. Today I was consumed by anger. Anger towards H, my parents, the ding dong dip ****s at work. Seriously! But also really angry at myself - for being here in my life. Yes, Fran I am utterly, deeply, lonely. Yet I find it nearly impossible to make friends on a deep level. I don't get my family. I have not one possession of H.s. It was all given to her girlfriend, because that is what H told her friends she wanted if she died. OK, I can respect that - but not [I]one [/I]thing? And now her best friend is visiting H's house, dog, girlfriend - but does not want to connect up with me? It is all really fishy and weird sounding to me. And yet my parents just want to honor H., and what she would have wanted without thinking twice about how weird it all is. I have lost everything. H., any possessions, any keepsakes - it is all just memories - and blurred ones at that. And volunteering. Yes, I have to do that. I know it is a missing chunk in my life. Anyway. Thanks again for all of your insight. You are a brilliant bunch of people, and I feel proud to be a part of us. Somehow I will figure this out. I am just so glad I can write it/talk it out........ [/QUOTE]
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