because I think I have lost her. I used to live my life according to such a moral compass, one of integrity and values. Now, it all seems nonsensical. I go to work every day, where they say they have values as a company, but they don't. I come home every night, and feel empty and hollow - and the one person (H.) that used to keep me anchored in integrity and reason is gone. Now, I feel as if I do not care. If a guy uses me, or my work screws someone around, or difficult child fails, what does it matter? It seems like this life, that I thought had a really deep and meaningful purpose, is excessive and meaningless. I mean what does it matter? I have tried for over forty years to live an existence that holds value, and it has gotten me nowhere. Despite how much I have tried to make my experiences meaningful, they aren't. So, really, why do I care. I might as well be an apathetic, superficial, piece of jello. Life is just the same.