K Thinking About Moving Back

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Oct 8, 2009.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    That's what she just told me. I'm not exactly sure how to respond to that. Heck, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. sigh

    Seems she's gotten a church to help them find a place to live....help her pay the rent until they get work.....and she said this church was willing to help them relocate back over to here with us. But she's hesitating cuz I told her the job situation isn't much better here. (true)

    Now I was wondering if this was coming........She mention the last time we talked about moving out of state to see if they'd have better luck getting jobs.....And I took great pains not to volunteer a darn thing.:tongue: I just told her if they were going to try that to be sure they had someplace to stay while they looked for work.

    I haven't answered her yet. Mostly because I don't know what I'm going to say. I'd love more than anything to see K and the kids again.....and truely it would be wonderful having the grands here where they can feel part of a family......something they don't remember having and want terribly. And heck, maybe knowing she had family to support her might be what she needs to shed herself of her husband/boyfriend whatever he is.

    But in all honesty, even if it weren't for what happened in the past.....I would not invite them here to stay while looking for work and a home. Last thing I need right now is 3 kids in the house........and K's husband I'd most likely smother in his sleep the first night.:ashamed:

    I haven't a clue how one goes about arranging for low income housing from out of state, so I couldn't even tell her if it would be possible to have an apartment ready when she got here. Although they don't have a stick of furniture to their names either. Nor could they get welfare for a period of time.....not sure how long that would be.....so likely no income while looking for work.

    Plus, c'mon.....I've seen no real change in behavior since they lived here. Their lifestyle is the same, literally hand to mouth. Doesn't take a genious to know her husband/boyfriend doesn't have any desire to work.....Unless he's gone thru all the fast food restaurants there and now no one will hire him. Possible I guess. But he's been out of work for a YEAR.

    But K knows if she comes back here......welfare will help her go back to school, they will provide her with a car and daycare......they don't have that in Mo.

    Man.:mad: I'm torn between having the family back together......and PTSD from what she pulled the last time. Not fair! I have a heckuva lot better ability to watch over the welfare of Kayla, Alex, and Evan if they're in my own town than I do 2 states away.

    I dunno. When we were discussing her moving out of state, I suggested she take her mother along. 1. because she's all the family her mother has period. 2. because it just isn't right to abandon her Mom and 3. because that was the main reason K got so homesick last time.

    I'm not writing her back right away. I need to think on this some. Need to talk it over with easy child and Nichole and get their opinions/feelings on it.

    One way or the other.......she will not be coming to stay in my house. She ruined ever getting to do that again the first time around.

    Well.......sh*t. :(

    Isn't it lovely that something that should make me happy as a lark has instead got my mind in a tizzy, my emotions in an uproar,....and me feeling like the bottom just dropped out of a boat.

    If this sounds all jumbled up.....sorry. That's my state of mind at the moment. sheesh.........it's just not supposed to be like this.:(
    Lasted edited by : Oct 9, 2009
  2. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    You're right, it isn't supposed to be like that! Isn't it sad that it too often is. I am seeing way too much of this, my own included. It's truely heartbreaking! I'm sorry you're in this position.
  3. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Well, if she got rid of the "husband/boyfriend whatever he is", moving back could be a real opportunity for her and the kids. She could go to school, make something out of herself, and start a whole new life for them all. If he comes along as part of a package deal though, they would be right back in the same life style very quickly, just in a different place. HE is what's holding her back now. The fact that he is still there after all the red flags that have gone up is not a good sign.
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I think taking time to mull this over is prudent and wise. Listen to your gut and don't go against it. too often we try to reason away what we know in out gut. Usually the outcome of that is less than perfect. -RM
  5. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Whenever my difficult child 1 makes noises about being homesick or missing me and friends, etc. I get real nervous. She lives on the west coast, I'm in upstate NY. I want her to stay out there even though I've never seen my grandson and don't know when I will see him. I haven't seen her for almost 2 yrs and it's just better to have this distance--I like talking to her on the phone but I would not want her living in our town again and she would certainly not be able to live at my house.

    Just want you to know I understand your feelings about all this. Glad you are not making any hasty decisions!

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Exactly Donna.

    I love K and those kids and I would love to have our family all back in the same place again. I'd love for K and the kids to have the support of their family in both the physical sense as well as the emotional/mental sense. It would be awesome for K to move back and take advantage of the same opportunities as her sibs and be able to make a real life for her and her kids...........instead of the hades they've been living.

    I know K regrets deeply ever having thrown away those opportunities the first time around. I know she regrets deeply walking away from her family. In many ways she has grown and matured.......in others she seems to be "stuck" for lack of a better word. Maybe she's stuck because of Him, maybe she's stuck because she'd gotten so used to living that way that she just didn't think there was a way out of it. Or maybe it's because she's just a difficult child at heart.

    It's possible this is part of her thinking she wants to rid herself of husband/boyfriend once and for all. I know she sees no possible way of doing it there.....no real support system at all. She spoke of wanting to leave him for a while now.....but not being able to manage it with the job situation, lack of child care, ect.

    I know she's been considering moving back for a long time. Kayla let it slip months ago.

    Or it could be that they have created a situation there and need to get out of town. Like the one they'd created here. K denies any situation making her leave before.......I wanted to believe her.......but my information came from reliable sources and well......after "watching" them for over a year now......I'll just leave it as I don't know all the details but it's enough that it really, really bothers me.

    How are they paying for that motel room? That's been a nagging question forever.

    Of course I can't tell her no she can't move here. She's an adult who can do as she wants. But I can and will make it clear she will not live/stay in my home regardless.

    If I am honest with myself, truly honest..........I want k and the kids here more than anything. difficult child or not, I love her and those grands. I want the very best for her. I want her to be secure, find happiness, and be able to enjoy the love of her family.

    I just let husband in on it. Wow. He didn't take it so well. But then turned around with........well, there may be tons of dishwasher jobs available for all we know......we don't know anyone working in that capacity to be able to judge. :tongue: Men!

    K's biggest hurdles would be to have an apartment ready to move into that is income based so she could afford to stay there until she found a job. Next would be the welfare for herself and the kids even if it was just foodstamps and insurance. Those are 2 really big hurdles. And that first one I'm not even sure can be done, nor do I know how to find out if it can be done.

    Even if K told me she wanted to come here to leave her husband/boyfriend, I'm afraid I won't believe her. (not that I don't want to) That was her reason the last time......and it sooo didn't happen. He either came with her or he followed her and the rest you know. Nor do I fool myself it will be easy for her to leave him. She's been with this jerk since she was 14, basically still a kid. So being the pessimist I am, I'd expect him to come with her.


    I just don't see me being able to make nicey nicey with the guy. I gave him a fair chance and he hung himself with it.

    So I've come up with Pros and Cons


    K would have her family support. She could go back to school. She would have no problem finding a low income apartment to live in. I'd know very shortly if she truely does have the chiari malformation......and if she does, she has someone nearby for her kids if necessary. Kayla, Alex, and Evan would finally learn the joys of extended family that is close both in location and in relationships. They would also unknowingly have the protection of that loving extended family.


    K's husband/boyfriend would come along. Their lives could remain basically the same, just in a different location. I would have to attempt to tolerate the husband/boyfriend.......still don't see myself managing that.

    Although, even with the cons........the grands would still have the love, support, and protection of their extended family. For them, if K decides to move back here.....it is a win/win situation.

    And with the cons........I'm not the woman I was 7 or so years ago. If K came here, it would be up to her to take advantage of the opportunities and make them work for her......by herself. She'll have all the emotional support she can stand......but nothing financially. It will be up to her to make the changes she needs to make in her life.

    I know this is long.........I'm sort of using this post as my thinking place. It's easier for me to think this thru seeing it in type. I've still got to talk to all the kids about this. They may be able to help me think of things I haven't considered. And I'd like to hear how they feel about it as well.

    I just keep thinking it just should not be this complicated.:faint:
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    A bit of odd timing dont you think? You just started back to school, kids just started back to school and the holidays are coming up. Maybe Im jaded. Could there be a 30 day notice coming up?

    Im like you, how have they been paying for this motel? They arent cheap. I bet one of the kids is on SSI and you just dont know it. That would explain enough money to actually pay a motel room monthly.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm as jaded as you are Janet. And I've decided in dealing with K and her husband/boyfriend.....that's a good thing.

    I told her I am going to send the kids halloween cards......wanted to make certain they hadn't moved yet before I sent them......This is true. But it also gave me a bit of deviousness to discover just how quickly this move is supposed to take place. Evidently quick enough she doesn't want me to risk sending cards until after they get the new place.

    I have a strong feeling they're being kicked out of yet another motel.....whether for lack of money or other reasons. Winter is well on the way. I don't doubt K has real worries about being homeless in the winter.

    I'm also wondering about this church helping them thing. I know churches do this sort of thing. BUT K has told me countless times she's gone to churches for help and they've turned her down flat due to lack of funds because so many are out of work there.......Now suddenly she has one willing to help. Of course she may never have tried the churches before and was just giving me an excuse.

    It's possible Alex has disability. He qualifies for it. I know she was attempting to get it for him. Perhaps he got approved. Not that it would be a bad thing. I'm the one who encouraged her to get it for him.

    I don't worry about living in the same town as K. I have no problem putting boundaries into place just as I have with my other grown kids. And I realize now that I wasn't as detached the first time around as I thought I was. I made mistakes and I'm not afraid to admit to them. Nor do I intend to repeat them. They replay in my mind whether I'm talking to K on the phone or via email. You burn me once, you never get the opportunity to do so again. That's just the way I am.

    But if she does have someone willing to transport her here.......she may never have that opportunity again. This may be her 2nd chance.......and as we all know, those are rare to come by.

    Nichole came over this morning to do her laundry. Paying me is waaaay cheaper than the laundry mat. lol So we talked. She's ok with it. And I was both glad and releaved she was looking at the possible situation realistically. She did clear up one point. Evidently there are lots of jobs here in fast food. She just didn't want to work it unless forced to. (don't blame her) Plus she said half the employees at the factory where she works can't read.......so it would be possible K's husband/boyfriend could work there. Reading is not a big issue around here. Lots of people in this area can't read.....we have programs for that, many.

    Getting ready to yak with easy child. Nichole already confirmed she would never give K money. If worst came to worst she'd invite the kids over to "play" with Aubrey and feed them until their tummies popped, but absolutely no money. (notice she didn't include K in that invitation....my kids are much like me lol) I'm positive easy child would do the same, feed the kids but no cash.
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that you are taking time to think it out, Lisa. Whatever it is that you decide, it's only fair that you lay it on the table for K. She's an adult and she has made choices that have landed her where she is. You're an adult and not her caregiver anymore. Everyone will be happier if they know the ground rules going into this.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Spoke with easy child for quite a while.

    Just sent an email off to K. I laid it all right on the line and was upfront and brutally honest. Anything less would not have been fair to her.

    I told her none of us could let her stay with us. easy child and Nichole do not have the room. True. And husband and I couldn't even consider it, we're in a desperate situation ourselves. Heck, I don't know at this point if we will be able to afford Travis coming back for summer.......although we probably will be able to as I know he'd get a job and help. Something I don't know with K.

    So........I told her having a place to stay before she would move here is absolutely vital. And having a way to survive until they find work is just as vital. That both of these things need to be settled before she would move. I made that very clear.

    I told her I was neither encouraging or discouraging her to move here. And I'm not. I told her that it is a decision she has to make. Only she can decide what she thinks would be best for her and the kids.

    But I really stressed no one would be taking her in or helping her financially. No One. If she wants to move here that's great, but it's all up to her.

    Also told her to contact her wefare social worker to find out the waiting period/services she'd be able to get......Social worker should be able to look it up on the computer and find out. I know here they looked up to find out what services she'd had there cuz I was with her when she'd applied. Last time it kicked in fast......but I think that was because she was pregnant with Alex.

    I don't know how people in such a desperate situation manage such interstate moves. I know they do it, I just don't know how they do it. Perhaps the church there can contact a church here and work together to manage it.........I know domestic violence shelters do that sort of thing, so I don't know why churches couldn't manage it. Heck, my mom had a japanese friend.......a church paid her way to the states. Paid her way back to Japan several years later........then paid her way back to the states again when her family abused both her and her son. So I know such things are possible.

    So now it's in her lap. If she can get a place to live and income until she has a job.......she knows she's more than welcome here. It's all up to her.

    But I'll tell you what.......... It makes me madder than hades that I can't just say "K get your fanny over here so you're not isolated and alone!" Nope, can't say that. Don't dare say that. Instead I've got to neither encourage or discourage..........

    And hope she goes about it the right way. Cuz if she just shows up here thinking we won't let them be on the street, she's got a rude awakening. The kids won't be on the street, but she and her husband/boyfriend most certainly would be.

    Dang. A person should never have to think like that when it comes to their own kids.:mad::(
    Lasted edited by : Oct 9, 2009
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE


    Thank goodness.

    I know you are stuggling with this...

    ...but you are absolutely RIGHT not to provide living arrangements.

    Lisa, hang in there. Stay strong.

  12. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    There may be some government agency there that helps people move to another area - I know there is here. Well, not in the little town where I live but in Nashville there is. They've had a big 'homeless' problem there and lots of other people who are a huge drain on government resources. It's strictly voluntary, it's not like they're running people out of town or anything. But they've found that if people have family in other areas or if they think they would have more luck finding jobs somewhere else, it's way cheaper for them to pay for their transportation to another city than to continue to support them on the government's nickel.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You know Lisa...just maybe she just got the settlement for one of the kids SSI...or her own. Maybe she has a lump sum that she can use to get herself moved and she is using the word "church" rather than tell you this. If she is as difficult child as we think...and we know her husband is...they would cut off their arm rather than tell you guys they got money because...gasp...they might think you would want some. Now we all know you better than that but in the husband's mind especially, and he is feeding her mind, it is a huge risk so they have to keep it a secret.

    This wouldnt surprise me.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Donna you may be right......but I dunno if there is any govt agency there doing that sort of thing.

    Janet.........You make a very good point. And difficult child who tend to leech off of other people given the chance usually keep secret any monies they happen to obtain. Wouldn't put it past them......especially her husband/boyfriend.

    Of course I could care less..........I just will not have them live here, and I will not help them with cash. Nor will the girls, they already said so. At almost 30....K should know enough how to manage on her own. I don't care where she gets her money.....as long as none of it comes from us. I do the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil with them as much as possible. Know what I mean??

    Did find out something interesting. Not sure what it means though......

    K removed her husband/boyfriend as a friend on mySpace. She is once again listed as single. Her husband/boyfriend removed all pics of the kids off his page........and is now openly advertising he wants a woman. Although the disgusting nude picture of him is gone. Guess enough complaints and myspace made him remove it. But his words are foul enough.:sick: Oh, and K removed any comments on her board that he made to her.

    I dunno what this means. Afraid to hope they perhaps have split. Looks like it, but might not be the case. Odd though.

    K has not emailed me back. Unusual for her. There is a very slim chance she took my advice from a while back and left him and went to a women's shelter. Not counting on that either.........but it's odd.

    Something is definately going on over there. Just don't know what. Curiouser and curiouser. I haven't been on mySpace in ages. Just deleting him from her friend list wouldn't hide him from me or her sisters. Also, he deleted me from his list......and that doesn't hide him either. He doesn't have his page on private so I just search under his name. (I guess if you have your page set to private you can't find some desperate female who might want you) But even after all the fuss over the nude picture he didn't delete me as a friend..............this is a new development. Hmmmmmm
  15. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Keeping fingers crossed that things work out for all of you.
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    K finally emailed me back.

    She said she is a grown up and wouldn't think of asking us to take her and the kids in because she knows we all have our own things going on. But that she hasn't made up her mind yet. Mostly because she knows she'd have to have a place to stay and manage until she could find work.

    K said she and her husband need some time apart to sort out whether there is anything left between them. So I'm not sure whether or not this means they are already seperated or if she's planning on it. I didn't pry any further. Not really my business, that's something she has to figure out by herself.

    She didn't elaborate any further about plans on moving. So I left it alone. She does know she's welcome if she can manage it. I think that made her feel better somewhat even if she decides it would be best to stay there.

    I'm guessing she'll let me know one way or the other eventually. But at least she shouldn't show up on my doorstep expecting me to offer her a place to stay. That was one of my biggest worries.

  17. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Well, she knows not to just show at your doorstep. She knows she needs to find her own way, money, and place to live. Good for you , Lisa! Since she is still with boyfriend/husband whatever, and nothing has changed since day 1, she has to change herself. You're not in a position to help her.

    In your heart, you would love to. Of course, you also know she would be done trying to help herself. She is just like my difficult child, we can't do it. At what cost to us? Stand strong, I'm right there with you- I haven't posted about my difficult child, but I cry about him every day.
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Daisy -

    You know I love you very much. Nuf sed. :tongue:

    I know you love your family more than life. Nuf sed. ;)

    My next email back to K would be -

    The definition of insanity -

    Doing the same things over and over and over and expecting a different result or outcome each time.

    Love - Mom Lisa Nuf sed - :whiteflag:

    My back burner brain thought on this since I lived with a man who could have well taught K's husband everything he knows and rated K's husband a D- student? His type of people burn the wick at both ends everywhere they go. They are well aware of ALL the resources to them. Church and church people are usually a very very last resource because church people like you to do something for the money - come to church and be good, and live a lifestyle that is decent. No drugs, no PORN (DO YOU HEAR ME HERE?), find a job, no booze, attend Sunday school, Church, WEdnesday night meetings, help out in the Nursery, etc, etc. simply put - be like them and enjoy FELLOWSHIP. People like K and her husband - are loners. While I'm not saying that anyone can't change or that miracles don't happen - Keep thinking D- student looking for the last reserve. been there done that - what can I get and what do I have to do to get it? Can I do what they want to get what I want because all other avenues are exhausted? Not really but I have no choice. All other avenues are exhausted.

    My other thoughts are that originally he'll go. He'll make a showing with her and the kids. He'll "try". Then for whatever reason one Sunday - he'll not go - but SHE and the kids will go. He'll stay at the hotel. Then there will be a reason he won't go. Someone looked at him, someone "judged" him whatever it is - he'll find an excuse. Eventually the congregation will forgive him, pray for him and just accept he's not coming but feel sorry for her and the kids and continue to help her - AND continue to support ALL of them because of the children - THIS HE KNEW from the GIT GO. It may be that she likes church and tries to bring him back - he refuses - she insists and eventually she gets tired of it too....now she's doing all the "work". And she's sick of him doing NOTHING (as usual) and she wants out of there. So she mentions that they want to move HOME. HOME??? Yes we have family in OHIO....and this gets them out of the nice church and they are free to move and out of the watchful eye of the church.....and they move. Because they are tired of playing the game, not comfortable with the "life" and have exhausted all other avenues - and they can't say "Well we'd like to try the church down the road"- because they really are just tired of churchish stuff. Or it may be that she really enjoys church and the kids like it but HE is tired of the person that she's becoming from going.
    The former is more likely - leopards don't usually change their spots. But if it is the former another thing enters my mind - and that's the entire thing about eluding to breaking up ---could be a ploy to get HER there, and set up and then send for him. Heck - they could survive a 6-9 month separation. Especially if it meant a home and a paycheck for him to slither right back into. And a car? WOW - and food? And her going to school for a better job? And a babysitter for the kids? *you, Nicole and a Grandpa? WOW. Yeah....

    I'm sorry to be the cynical Auntie here. I know the unwritten rule is we love ALL of our kids unconditionally - and I I do...but I also care about you and I know your heart is 10 times too big when it comes to strays and kids and I can't imagine how it is for stray grandchildren. lol (Enormous) ??? Understatement of the year.

    And the first thing you said about this all was - she's not even here and already something that is supposed to be joyous is stressful. Repeat your own words to yourself hon......SHE IS NOT EVEN HERE AND IT IS STRESSFUL. What do you think it would be like when she IS there?

    Bleck.....I am sorry - I'm not usually the voice of the dark side...but this one just reallllllllllly I dunno....I took my time with it too. So.....take it for what it's worth or get angry with me......or throw my socks out or let my donkey out of the pen....but I just wanted to tell you from the point of view from someone who has lived with a master manipulator. They prey...they don't change.....and they make you think they're leaving....and they never really stay gone. I don't belive he's out of her life or heading out. I think he hears - $ cha ching, car and sitter.....home, and is coaching her. I'm not alltogehter sure about the brain thing she hit you with and now this..I doubted her then...and I'm still not a strong supporter of her truths

    I hope I'm wrong. I really do. Don't want you to be mad at me really...

    Better go get my donkey from the field.....:(.
  19. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Starbie, dear one, never can get mad at you.:D You I count on as my little/big (lol) voice of reason and reality.

    I'm glad to say I thought of all those things in my debate on what to email her back. I'm also synical and a pessimist at heart. With good reason to be both.

    K's husband is most definately a master manipulator. He started in on K at 14.....pulled her bioMom into it at 16.......sliding right into her house and parking his fanny there. Drained bioMom dry, destroyed the house and made K lose it to taxes. (house she inherited from her bioMom's dad) Used up all their resources and then called husband and I to inform us K was about to be a homeless mother. (9-10 yrs ago) We helped them, not knowing the history. Then K suddenly decides she's had enough of boyfriend and asks to come here. We bring her and Kayla (then a baby) I suspected from the get go that she was pregnant and had used up all resources. Wasn't long that I suspected boyfriend either came with her.....or followed via a plan. So then I worked on getting freeloader K out of the house into an apartment into school.........boyfriend suddenly shows up. (she couldn't hide him anymore neighbors talk/ small town) K is playing every "help" agency against each other along with the babysitter and the churches. Odds are boyfriend coached her. She's just not that bright, most especially then. I caught on......let everyone they were 'playing" know what was going on.........They up and high tail it back to MO.

    Ok, so that's not everything, but it's the high points. lol

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't let myself forget that. You've got husband/boyfriend pegged right on the money. And it's not just us. I have good sources in MO that tell me the exact same thing. Is K the same way? Could be by now, probably is, who the heck knows. Her husband/boyfriend has manipulated her like a puppet for so many years now.

    So I figured just like you that they've exhausted all resources in Mo and need to find a new place to set up. And since K probably does miss us......hey, why not here where they know welfare bends over backward to get people back on their feet so they won't need it anymore? Yep. Big $$$$ going off in husband/boyfriend's head. (maybe K's too)

    Your senerio is most likely dead on.:( Cuz nothing, and I mean nothing, has changed with those two.

    Yes, family is everything to me. The end all be all. It's the way I am. My Grandma taught me that, and my childhood reinforced it. (some good did come out of the bad) And so I've taught my kids the same.

    And yeah..........my heart is enormous when it comes to my grandkids. :redface:

    But my grandma also taught me to know myself. And I do. And while I'm huge on family, kids and the like...........I also don't allow myself to get burned twice. Won't happen. No doubt about it.

    So if K were to move over here...........Wow, she's in for a shock. Which is why I really laid it on the line in the email. I was not really nice about it cuz I was being extremely blunt. No way for her to misunderstand "You are not welcome to stay in our homes..........and none of us will help you financially" No way easy child will cave as she's only on speaking terms with K in order to have a relationship with Kayla and Alex. Nichole won't cave as her apartment is the size of a small closet and she wouldn't risk eviction, nor has the cash to cave with. I won't cave cuz just the thought of having them in my house again makes my blood run cold.

    If K was strong enough to shake her husband/boyfriend......she'd have done it long ago. Of course I do hope someday she will do so, but I honestly don't expect it to happen. He's got his claws into her deep and she's quite comfortable in the victim role.:(

    My email to K was mostly to prevent her from showing up on my doorstep with 3 kids in tow unannounced expecting to be given a place to stay ect. I actually have had dreams of that happening for years......and so decided to nip that in the bud as fast as I could. Because I've no doubt that's what was being planned.:surprise:

    K's husband is never gonna change. He likes the way things are. He's a full blown adult difficult child to the nth degree. As for K, I gave up on any real hope of her changing when I saw they were living the same way they always have. I'd like to think she'll get so sick of living that way that she'll do something positive to change it.....But like I said, I think she's too comfortable in the victim role. Even if she and he split up, it wouldn't last long.

    As far as the chiari malformation..........been doubtful for months now. You just cannot convince me if you're on the brink of death that you're too stupid to go to a neuro to be treated.....when wefare covers that treatment completely. The condition is extremely painful when you have it to the degree she's supposed to have it.......yet still she won't go to a neuro. Doesn't wash. I have chronic renal failure. No insurance. No money. I found a way to get my fanny to doctor to get the necessary medications. And if I was in pain...........please!:mad:

    There is a part of me that would rather they stay where they are. I love K and I always will. But I'd be content with the distance between us and her and her husband/boyfriend. Simply because I know it would be the same as it was before.

    But there are 3 innocent children involved. Two of which I love with all my heart. The 3rd, well hades, I've not even met the child......it's sort of hard to feel any real bond with him, although I try hard to. If K moved here they would no longer be alone with only 2 difficult child parents. They'd have a whole family watching out for them. And well..........I just can't think of that as being a bad thing. It worries me how desperately Kayla and Alex crave family..........makes me wonder just how bad it really is for them.:(

    And just so you know that I've also been thinking on it........ My Grandma took me in out of an abusive situation when I was just a toddler. She loved me, she taught me. She raised me for most of 12 years. She didn't know it, but she saved me. Because throughout all of the horrendous abuse.......and the total rejection of my own Mom......She loved me, valued me, made me believe that I was worthy of love. Grandma did what she could do to protect me from the abuse I suffered when I wasn't with her. It was hard on her. It was stressful on her. Can't tell you how many times she cried as she held me at night. And in the end her love saved me from the very worst in myself.

    I cannot, will not, ever turn my back on Kayla and Alex. If my love for them, the value I feel for them as people, can be that shining light of Hope my Grandma was for me..........Then I can only hope I can be as strong for them as she was for me.

    I've asked myself if I would raise them if it came down to it. And honestly, I don't know. But I won't lie to myself about it either. In the meantime I just have to hope it doesn't come to that. So, for now, I try to be that shining light in any way I can think of.......and distance doesn't make it easy.

    You're not wrong Starbie. I've faced the reality that is K and her husband/boyfriend over this past year. I've no reason to be mad at you. You've just said it like it is like you always do. I depend on your insight.

    Now that K knows we're not going to let her mooch off us.......I guess we'll see how desperate their situation has become over there. If they show up......it must be bad. If they don't.......then they've found a way to work the system and keep up with the same old same old.

    This got a bit deeper than I intended. But it did make what I'd been thinking about the grands in the back of my mind come to the forefront.

  20. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I think you are wise to stop and think it through. Do you see any signs that she has changed?
    Good luck.
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2009