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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 676333" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>I agree with Leafy. He needs to feel the true repercussions of HIS behavior. </p><p></p><p>I have been told by my therapist that my son never had a chance to get better while he lived with me.</p><p></p><p>That hit me hard. All of these years of hard work prevented him from improving. I thought that I was giving him support and motherly love...</p><p></p><p>As long as we 'buffer' them from the world's natural consequences, they will be able to continue their poor behavior. As a mother, we are not responsible for 'fixing' everything.</p><p></p><p>My therapist went one step further.</p><p></p><p>By putting up with my son's bad behavior...day after day...month after month...year after year...I was making his bad behavior worse. I was enabling him. I hate that word. I still do, but it is true.</p><p></p><p>When you allow someone to mistreat you in anyway, then you are 'training' that person that it is acceptable behavior.</p><p></p><p>Even when you get mad afterwards, it always goes back to normal. As mothers, we want to forgive and love them. We also want to forget...forget that it ever happened. We want our well-behaved son back.</p><p></p><p>They learn, step by step, that you tolerate worse and worse actions or words. </p><p></p><p>They also learn how to 'work' you by certain words or actions to impart the most beneficial reaction.</p><p></p><p>I would ask my son to see a doctor. He would turn over a table or verbally threaten me. I would stop in my tracks.</p><p></p><p>He learned how to avoid the conversation. This was repeated over and over again.</p><p></p><p>He now had the power over me because I both loved AND feared him.</p><p></p><p>I made him worse and not able to get better by my motherly love...</p><p></p><p>It was a very bitter pill to swallow. Now, my son is going to a shelter, he had labs done, and filled a prescription. I have no contact per the dictates of the restraining order. But, it appears that he finally went to a doctor AFTER I removed him from my house.</p><p></p><p>I will never know how much better my son could have been if I had made him leave sooner... The past is the past. But, right now, he is taking actions I nagged...pleaded...implored for 9 years to take place.</p><p></p><p>Think of what you have been through and his past actions. Do not think if him as the cute child he used to be. But, rather as the adult he is today. It will make you stronger in your resolve.</p><p></p><p>He knows that you love him. Feel this in your mother's heart.</p><p></p><p>Do something fun and relaxing today for yourself. Stay strong and begin to heal.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 676333, member: 19245"] I agree with Leafy. He needs to feel the true repercussions of HIS behavior. I have been told by my therapist that my son never had a chance to get better while he lived with me. That hit me hard. All of these years of hard work prevented him from improving. I thought that I was giving him support and motherly love... As long as we 'buffer' them from the world's natural consequences, they will be able to continue their poor behavior. As a mother, we are not responsible for 'fixing' everything. My therapist went one step further. By putting up with my son's bad behavior...day after day...month after month...year after year...I was making his bad behavior worse. I was enabling him. I hate that word. I still do, but it is true. When you allow someone to mistreat you in anyway, then you are 'training' that person that it is acceptable behavior. Even when you get mad afterwards, it always goes back to normal. As mothers, we want to forgive and love them. We also want to forget...forget that it ever happened. We want our well-behaved son back. They learn, step by step, that you tolerate worse and worse actions or words. They also learn how to 'work' you by certain words or actions to impart the most beneficial reaction. I would ask my son to see a doctor. He would turn over a table or verbally threaten me. I would stop in my tracks. He learned how to avoid the conversation. This was repeated over and over again. He now had the power over me because I both loved AND feared him. I made him worse and not able to get better by my motherly love... It was a very bitter pill to swallow. Now, my son is going to a shelter, he had labs done, and filled a prescription. I have no contact per the dictates of the restraining order. But, it appears that he finally went to a doctor AFTER I removed him from my house. I will never know how much better my son could have been if I had made him leave sooner... The past is the past. But, right now, he is taking actions I nagged...pleaded...implored for 9 years to take place. Think of what you have been through and his past actions. Do not think if him as the cute child he used to be. But, rather as the adult he is today. It will make you stronger in your resolve. He knows that you love him. Feel this in your mother's heart. Do something fun and relaxing today for yourself. Stay strong and begin to heal. [/QUOTE]
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