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<blockquote data-quote="ski10" data-source="post: 425244" data-attributes="member: 11845"><p>I could never imagine dealing with the deck you deal with, but if I were you, I would let kt know that when she is 18 she perfectly welcome to seek out answers to bio family questions on her own dime and her own time. I would tell her I do understand her feelings of wanting to search - but that it was not something you are willing to contribute to either emotionally or financially. by Sharon...</p><p> </p><p>Sorry, don't know how to poste mulitple quotes yet, the above is a big mistake in my humble opinion, don't tell her you are not willing to contribute emotionally, I really advise you not to say it, your child will need you big time, not saying that to start anything, it's something that hits very close to home for me.</p><p> </p><p>This is such a touchy subject I know, I was adopted when I was 3 months old, I don't even really know how to say this without it being taken the wrong way, she is extremely angry and I understand it, I was too, I would ask my mom (adopted mom just to clarify who, but she is my mom no doubt about it) what my bio mom looked like as they had met, how tall was she etc...all the while my mom would say I don't mind if you look for her, I understand, but the look on her face said it all..."please don't look for her"...that made me feel SO terrible and very torn, she is my mom, always will be, nobody can ever, ever change that but I know she doesn't understand the need to "know" where you came from, I felt so guilty, I do understand how it would hurt my mom but I was hurting too and actually just wanted her to say, and mean it, you know what..I understand, I love you and will support you, I couldn't hear she wasn't thrilled, it makes you feel awful and as I said so torn inside.</p><p>I am sure my mom was scared to death that my bio mom would take me way, that she would no longer be mom. it doesn't happen like that, that's not what was ever going to happen.</p><p> </p><p>I did locate my bio mom several years ago, she was very, very cruel to me, and here I was thinking she is going to be so pleased! how could she not, she's a mom, the whole experience sent me so mentally ill I cannot describe it, if I could go back I would never ever have searched for her but that's hindsight. </p><p>People told me before I found her to have an open mind, I didn't, and you must have support from your family, to pick up the pieces and to love you if it all goes wrong, even if it doesn't go wrong there are so many emotions, good, bad, you feel so guilty, you feel guilty and so confused about everything, trying to make everyone feel ok, you think everything is going to be just fine, it doesn't work that way, I have spoken to many other adoptees and they all said the same thing, it is a roller coaster of emotions you never thought were possible.</p><p> </p><p>I had to keep the search a secret from my mom (adopted, even hate to say it, she is my mom but so you know who I'm talking about again...) and when my bio mom was sooo cruel all I wanted was to be able to talk to my mom, for her to be there, she couldn't be, she didn't know, it would kill her if she knew so I was in the middle of all that mess.</p><p> </p><p>By the way, I really was more interested in any siblings more than my bio mom, anyway, sorry to go on but I've been there done that and can see from both sides, and am thinking of you both, I wasn't interested in looking in my teens, I was in my 30's.</p><p>Yes, we do have this fantasy that our bio families are just fantastic people, but you know, even if she was, I already knew I didn't want a relationship really, I was just curious.</p><p>If I were you, I'd be there if your child needs to talk about it, and, I'm sorry if there's more to the story and you are trying to protect your child from a very bad situation, didn't mean to go on, take care. Oh, and therapy is good!</p><p> </p><p>PS, don't mean to offend anyone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ski10, post: 425244, member: 11845"] I could never imagine dealing with the deck you deal with, but if I were you, I would let kt know that when she is 18 she perfectly welcome to seek out answers to bio family questions on her own dime and her own time. I would tell her I do understand her feelings of wanting to search - but that it was not something you are willing to contribute to either emotionally or financially. by Sharon... Sorry, don't know how to poste mulitple quotes yet, the above is a big mistake in my humble opinion, don't tell her you are not willing to contribute emotionally, I really advise you not to say it, your child will need you big time, not saying that to start anything, it's something that hits very close to home for me. This is such a touchy subject I know, I was adopted when I was 3 months old, I don't even really know how to say this without it being taken the wrong way, she is extremely angry and I understand it, I was too, I would ask my mom (adopted mom just to clarify who, but she is my mom no doubt about it) what my bio mom looked like as they had met, how tall was she etc...all the while my mom would say I don't mind if you look for her, I understand, but the look on her face said it all..."please don't look for her"...that made me feel SO terrible and very torn, she is my mom, always will be, nobody can ever, ever change that but I know she doesn't understand the need to "know" where you came from, I felt so guilty, I do understand how it would hurt my mom but I was hurting too and actually just wanted her to say, and mean it, you know what..I understand, I love you and will support you, I couldn't hear she wasn't thrilled, it makes you feel awful and as I said so torn inside. I am sure my mom was scared to death that my bio mom would take me way, that she would no longer be mom. it doesn't happen like that, that's not what was ever going to happen. I did locate my bio mom several years ago, she was very, very cruel to me, and here I was thinking she is going to be so pleased! how could she not, she's a mom, the whole experience sent me so mentally ill I cannot describe it, if I could go back I would never ever have searched for her but that's hindsight. People told me before I found her to have an open mind, I didn't, and you must have support from your family, to pick up the pieces and to love you if it all goes wrong, even if it doesn't go wrong there are so many emotions, good, bad, you feel so guilty, you feel guilty and so confused about everything, trying to make everyone feel ok, you think everything is going to be just fine, it doesn't work that way, I have spoken to many other adoptees and they all said the same thing, it is a roller coaster of emotions you never thought were possible. I had to keep the search a secret from my mom (adopted, even hate to say it, she is my mom but so you know who I'm talking about again...) and when my bio mom was sooo cruel all I wanted was to be able to talk to my mom, for her to be there, she couldn't be, she didn't know, it would kill her if she knew so I was in the middle of all that mess. By the way, I really was more interested in any siblings more than my bio mom, anyway, sorry to go on but I've been there done that and can see from both sides, and am thinking of you both, I wasn't interested in looking in my teens, I was in my 30's. Yes, we do have this fantasy that our bio families are just fantastic people, but you know, even if she was, I already knew I didn't want a relationship really, I was just curious. If I were you, I'd be there if your child needs to talk about it, and, I'm sorry if there's more to the story and you are trying to protect your child from a very bad situation, didn't mean to go on, take care. Oh, and therapy is good! PS, don't mean to offend anyone. [/QUOTE]
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