ktbug is considering...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Mar 16, 2011.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    dropping out of school. I'm troubled yet for some reason it doesn't surprise me. If it wasn't this drama it would be another one.

    I'm doing my best to talk some sense into her ~ helping her problem solve with her teachers & the tutors who work with her here. I will be calling an IEP meeting to discuss various things that haven't been approached yet.

    On top of that, kt is searching for her bio family. She's extremely angry that I'm not thrilled at the thought & not willing to put up some cash to hire someone :angrygirl:.

    kt found names on the back of pictures bio mom had given to put together kt's & wm's life books. Just when you think it's all safe - ah well. It's another drama that kt is pulling out because things have calmed down a bit & above all else my daughter is one of the most attachment disordered children I know (other than wm :slap:).

    Drama is their first name, while control is their middle name with chaos being their last names.

    Fun, fun, fun ~ I'm having fun. :coffee2::bigsmile:
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Geeze Linda.

    Has she been able to articulate clearly why she wants to drop out of school?

    One of my closest friends has a 21 year old adopted daughter. When they went to court for the final adoption hearing (making it legal), the judge actually ordered the bio mom to write a letter to the daughter to be placed in her file for her to read, if she chose, at 18. Now we are talking a mom without the issues kt and wm's mom had. This was a woman who already had five children and realized she couldn't handle another and actually sought out a lawyer, wanted a Christian family, wanted a stay at home mom, etc. She chose not to read the letter when she was 18 - who knows how she will feel in future years....

    I could never imagine dealing with the deck you deal with, but if I were you, I would let kt know that when she is 18 she perfectly welcome to seek out answers to bio family questions on her own dime and her own time. I would tell her I do understand her feelings of wanting to search - but that it was not something you are willing to contribute to either emotionally or financially.

    Hugs to you.

  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Will she home school - or just give up on it all together?

    As for searching for bio family - I can not even begin to imagine what it would be like to know you had a BM out there somewhere and have no idea if she is even alive. No matter what the experiences were with BM. Something I think she should talk to therapist about.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Is she being influenced by her dysfunctional girlfriend by chance? I'm sorry that things are getting amped up even more. DDD
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    How seriously is she considering dropping out?

    I do think it's a bit "typical teen" to go through a stage where they at least think about it...

    As for the bio-mom? I have no advice...but I think you are right not to encourage her. It's something she can do later on her own if she is still interested.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Does kt plan to continue with school online, take the GED, or just give up altogether? What's her reasoning behind it?

    As for searching for her BM...I agree with Sharon. If she still wants to search when she's 18, it's all on her.

  7. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Has she said what her plans are for after she quits school? So she quits school ... and then what?
  8. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Ugh. Been there, done that...on both fronts actually. In our case, the school thing was an ongoing issue. We got him through but it was pure hell. As for the other, I would tell difficult child that until he turned 18 he could get BIOMOM in trouble if he contacted her as she had not parental rights and was not allowed to have contact with him while he was still a minor. I don't know how well that would fly with Kt but it may be worth a try. I also agree with bringing it up with the therapist if it hasn't been already.

  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Thanks ladies.....I've already approached school about kt's talk of dropping out. This is the first year she's taking mainstream academics & is in no way prepared to be doing the level of coursework that is being asked of her. I explained, once again, that kt has been in Special Education since 3rd grade & those classrooms always always always taught to the lowest common denominator in the room. kt had never had a science class yet alone biology, never took a course in pre algebra, etc.

    kt will have her course load cut down & will be in Special Education math prepping her for pre algebra. by the way, kt is on an online school.

    As to bio family (mostly she's looking for her siblings tho she'd like to find bio mum) kt has been informed that she cannot search for her siblings until they reach the age of 18; she can search for bio mom all she wants once she hits 18. My baby girl, as most adopted children, has developed a fairly healthy fantasy on how bio mum got her act together & is looking for her & wm. We'll see. kt will be dealing with this in therapy.

    And on to a new day.....thank you ladies.
  10. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    I could never imagine dealing with the deck you deal with, but if I were you, I would let kt know that when she is 18 she perfectly welcome to seek out answers to bio family questions on her own dime and her own time. I would tell her I do understand her feelings of wanting to search - but that it was not something you are willing to contribute to either emotionally or financially. by Sharon...

    Sorry, don't know how to poste mulitple quotes yet, the above is a big mistake in my humble opinion, don't tell her you are not willing to contribute emotionally, I really advise you not to say it, your child will need you big time, not saying that to start anything, it's something that hits very close to home for me.

    This is such a touchy subject I know, I was adopted when I was 3 months old, I don't even really know how to say this without it being taken the wrong way, she is extremely angry and I understand it, I was too, I would ask my mom (adopted mom just to clarify who, but she is my mom no doubt about it) what my bio mom looked like as they had met, how tall was she etc...all the while my mom would say I don't mind if you look for her, I understand, but the look on her face said it all..."please don't look for her"...that made me feel SO terrible and very torn, she is my mom, always will be, nobody can ever, ever change that but I know she doesn't understand the need to "know" where you came from, I felt so guilty, I do understand how it would hurt my mom but I was hurting too and actually just wanted her to say, and mean it, you know what..I understand, I love you and will support you, I couldn't hear she wasn't thrilled, it makes you feel awful and as I said so torn inside.
    I am sure my mom was scared to death that my bio mom would take me way, that she would no longer be mom. it doesn't happen like that, that's not what was ever going to happen.

    I did locate my bio mom several years ago, she was very, very cruel to me, and here I was thinking she is going to be so pleased! how could she not, she's a mom, the whole experience sent me so mentally ill I cannot describe it, if I could go back I would never ever have searched for her but that's hindsight.
    People told me before I found her to have an open mind, I didn't, and you must have support from your family, to pick up the pieces and to love you if it all goes wrong, even if it doesn't go wrong there are so many emotions, good, bad, you feel so guilty, you feel guilty and so confused about everything, trying to make everyone feel ok, you think everything is going to be just fine, it doesn't work that way, I have spoken to many other adoptees and they all said the same thing, it is a roller coaster of emotions you never thought were possible.

    I had to keep the search a secret from my mom (adopted, even hate to say it, she is my mom but so you know who I'm talking about again...) and when my bio mom was sooo cruel all I wanted was to be able to talk to my mom, for her to be there, she couldn't be, she didn't know, it would kill her if she knew so I was in the middle of all that mess.

    By the way, I really was more interested in any siblings more than my bio mom, anyway, sorry to go on but I've been there done that and can see from both sides, and am thinking of you both, I wasn't interested in looking in my teens, I was in my 30's.
    Yes, we do have this fantasy that our bio families are just fantastic people, but you know, even if she was, I already knew I didn't want a relationship really, I was just curious.
    If I were you, I'd be there if your child needs to talk about it, and, I'm sorry if there's more to the story and you are trying to protect your child from a very bad situation, didn't mean to go on, take care. Oh, and therapy is good!

    PS, don't mean to offend anyone.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    ski10, I think your personal insight is valuable. A big part of the problem here that you couldn't know (I only know because I've been on this site a long time and have followed this history) is that in this case, the kids were originally removed from bio family because they were being badly damaged in every way imaginable. If it had been a different person hurting these kids, there would be court orders in place. For all I know, there may be such orders in place here, too. If not - now might be a time to think about it, Linda.

    However - getting an idea of how someone might feel in this situation, can help head problems off. It's a good point, ski10, that an adopted child might decide to go off on their own anyway, to try to get the answers they believe are out there. But it is most important, Linda, for you to always be someone kt can feel she can come and talk to. Don't let any doors be shut. If she does do the wrong thing, she needs to know that she can always come to you to talk. And I don't think she is there yet, despite everything you have done. Her recent behaviour with the man in the park shows me this - she came home hysterical with the police on her tail, screaming denials etc. You have done everything you could for these two all the way along, you have been a loving, caring mother and shown them that you are always there to listen. But some hurts run so deep that no words can express them.

    I agree that this would be a bad idea. Siblings are likely to be equally damaged, unless the authorities got those kids out virtually at birth. In which case - finding them would be an insurmountable task.

    We have a mob over here which helps adopted kids and bio parents track one another down. It is inexpensive (free, I think) but any contact has to be with mutual consent, and children have to be 18 or over. My sister's adopted kids always said they wanted to trace their natural parents, but when they turned 18 and my sister said to them, "OK, you're old enough now for us to do this, are you ready?" the kids both said they had changed their minds. I was actually sorry about that; I felt, especially with my niece, that she had siblings who would welcome meeting her. With my sister's kids, both had been either neglected or abused in infancy. Their behaviour alone showed this - when they arrived, we could see from the way they reacted, that they had been neglected. My niece would only drink her formula cold, in her cot. You could not hold her to give her a bottle and you could not give it to her warm. It had to be cold from the fridge. She simply had no concept of being held or cuddled. Not autistic; she did learn to enjoy being held, it took a few months of her realising it was pleasant. She was 7 months old when she arrived - after her third bout in hospital with malnutrition. Her decision, when she was 18, to not seek out her bio-family was made with more maturity than she expressed when she was 16.

    Just yesterday I friended her brother on FB. He has had a difficult life, difficulties mostly of his own making. He ran away from home at 14, was prostituting himself, robbing houses etc to support a bad drug habit. Has spent serious time in jail over the years, had a series of kids with a series of drug-addled partners. And now is clean, going straight and really, really values his family. After not seeing him for decades (but only hearing of him in yet another jail placement) he has attended the last few family weddings (we did invite him to our kids' weddings, he did not reply) and realised that WE are his family. His oldest son is very much in his life. Not sure about his other sons.

    Both my sister's kids are now in their late 30s/early 40s. They are both now very close to my sister and see her as the only mother they have. i just thought I would share that bit.

    Linda, you have to protect kt. There are reasons for waiting until the child is 18. Legal reasons. Kt will find doors opening wide when she is 18, that would be slammed shut now, no matter how much money was spent. She hasn't got too long to wait. And in the meantime, while she waits, she can work on her inner strength to handle the unexpected. Because I doubt very much that this will be a happy ever after ending.

  12. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    There was me blabbing on and didn't know the circumstances, at the back of mind I was thinking though maybe it was not a healthy situation with the bio family to begin with.

    I wish someone had actually been able to stop me from searching, it did so much harm, my bio mother had 2 children before me who she kept, then went onto have 4 more after me, for a very brief time I was in contact with an older 1/2 sister, the things she told me about the mother when they were growing up, they were all negleted, she went on to marry a very abusive man who also abused all the kids and the mother sided with him, yet she still has some kind of hold over all the siblings, if she says jump, they had better do it, I feel it was a blessing she gave me up for adoption.

    I think the original OP can only be there for her kids, as said don't shut any doors, so difficult and I'm sure it were me as their mom I'd be wanting them to never ever find their bio family, to protect them with all my being, but if they wanted to search I would tell them myself what the situation was, or as much as I was able to tell, so they can be prepared, I'd have wanted that.

    From me being the adoptee I can tell you we know who our moms are, the one who took care of us and loved us, the one who brought us up. Many hugs...
  13. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    ski10- This isn't a typical adoption case: kt & her twin brother wm were horribly abused and harmed by their bio family up until the point they were removed from the home. Linda has been dealing with the fallout from the abuse ever since. Many of the twins diagnosis's were triggered or can be directly traced back to this abuse. I wouldn't do anything to encourage finding the bio family either.
  14. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    I know, I understand and absolutely agree, that's why I said I'd protect them with all my being, and wish someone had been able to stop me. It's situations that you're talking about where the bio family should never be found or even known about, I'd go so far as to hope all the papers involving them should be destroyed.

    I am sorry, I didn't me to offend anyone, I know what you are saying is right.
  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's ok, Ski10. You were not to know. And I did find your personal insight valuable - sometimes we forget the drive in a child to believe in a magical happy-ever-after rescue.

  16. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    ski10 this is the time of year that my twins really want to find bio mom (Mother's Day). I've destroyed any & all evidence of there whereabouts & refuse to discuss this issue - period.

    In the meantime, wm insists I owe him a bus ticket to bio mom's house & a dog to go with him. ( A bit of delusional thinking, huh?) The records are sealed per court order.

    Bio mom wrote the most horrendous letter to kt & wm & put a copy of that letter in their life books. husband & I destroyed that letter before the tweedles were able to read. wm has never forgiven me & tells me he hates me for that. I hope it's a long & healthy hate.

    That letter would have destroyed all the years of therapy, all the interventions & treatment that have gone on in the past 10 years.

    I truly wish that adopted children knew deep down that they are remarkable young beings & are loved beyond reason by their adoptive parents. That this "fantasy" of life in the bio home would somehow have been better. For some reason the unknowns in the bio home aren't scary ~ not like the unknowns here in real life.

    Thank you for sharing ski10 ~ I truly appreciate your take on this subject. It's not always a happy ending, is it?
  17. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    Hi Linda,
    I was actually thinking about you last night, and hoping I had not upset you.
    Yes, it's not always a happy ending, I know many adoptees feel their bio families are going to be so loving, how could they not be, that's how we think, it is a fantasy, you are right.

    So now, I'm going to shut my mouth up...lol, take care and many hugs to you and your family xx