Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
ktbug is sinking fast.....
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 381454" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>There are multiple losers here. First kt - if this is permitted to stand, she is once more on the run emotionally as well as physically. By having to move her, she again gets the message that the only way to handle a confrontation is to run away and hide. When she dissociates, she is running away because in the past, it is what she had to do. Having to move her reinforces this. [note - I am not criticising you for this choice - sometimes you do need to. But for kt, it does send this message, unfortunately]</p><p></p><p>Second, you Linda who have worked so hard and thought the long struggle was in the last throes - it feels like back to square one. But as others have said, this incident and its fallout brings vital information. Either kt is not able to cope yet as well as you thought, or maybe this is just a brief setback which, if given the chance to resolve positively, can be another valuable learning experience, teaching her how to cope instead of retreat. But it will take a lot of work from people doing their jobs right, and given what happened, that worries me.</p><p></p><p>Third, this young man - he has been permitted to vent his anger inappropriately, and to get away with playing the race card. This is a very bad lesson to get away with. It removes him from the need to be accountable for his behaviour, and if he gets away with this without being called on it, he then will repeat this behaviour. Without accepting responsibility for one's actions, you don't learn to behave more appropriately. His opportunity to learn has been denied, by this being allowed.</p><p></p><p>And finally - the rest of us. The kids in that group learn the bad lessons, not the good, purely from observing how this is handled. They learn the race card can be played in order to duck out of responsibility. This sends a double message - "I can accuse others unjustly if I can find a chink" and also, "I can be accused even if I have done nothing wrong." These kids grow up and go out into society, and follow through on these bad lessons. We pay taxes which pick up the financial tab for the longer-term care of people who are poorly equipped to function independently. Plus we have to live in society with these damaged people and continue to try to support them once those badly-learned lessons are deeply ingrained and almost impossible to unlearn.</p><p></p><p>This situation needs to be challenged and resolved. Linda, you need to put in front of these people the reasons for this young man being unwelcome. You also need to specify what he needs to do in order to be welcome once more. "Purgatory freezing over" is not permitted, I'm afraid. I must have missed what he did, but given kt's behaviour now and in the past, I suspect there was a liaison between them which either turned bad, or you blocked. So what he has to do before he is allowed back in your home - first, he has to realise that it was wrong and why. He then has to apologise. And then he can only be allowed there with adult supervision, and only if kt and you both feel safe from his aggressive behaviour. Nothing to do with his colour, because you have made the rules behaviour-based. He also blew his chance by making such an angry outburst, kt sounds like she doesn't want to have anything to do with him any more.</p><p></p><p>Of course the young man is angry - if kt seemed to be offering nirvana, and now it is snatched away by you, he will be trying to work out why. He got sent a very mixed message and probably isn't the most stable person to begin with anyhow. So to him, in the past the problem has generally been put down to his colour. It's the easy option, the answer he can understand the fastest. But he needs to know, there are a lot of other reasons he has to look at, before he considers race to be the reason.</p><p></p><p>OK, maybe he can continue to believe it was due to racism, but he has to(from his perspective, remember) be made to face other reasons that are ahead in the queue. Then, after he has looked at those reasons, he needs to reconsider his concerns and perhaps recognise that this time , there were enough problems with the situation for race to just not be relevant.</p><p></p><p>The SD needs to step in and ensure that this is resolved. Such an accusation cannot be allowed to stand. You have the right to choose who is welcome in your home, but a damaged boy needs to understand that it is NOT about race, and that he cannot claim it is. He brought it out into the open, which means you should have right of reply as well as right to defend yourself. He has lost his right to privacy and confidentiality, you can now publicly (in this group) explain the reasons he is not welcome.</p><p></p><p>SD want kt back in this placement, so they need to make it possible. And perhaps if SD work with you to try to make it possible, they may be the ones to realise that it won't work, after all. Having SD then work with you to sort out an alternative placement would make life a lot easier for you.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 381454, member: 1991"] There are multiple losers here. First kt - if this is permitted to stand, she is once more on the run emotionally as well as physically. By having to move her, she again gets the message that the only way to handle a confrontation is to run away and hide. When she dissociates, she is running away because in the past, it is what she had to do. Having to move her reinforces this. [note - I am not criticising you for this choice - sometimes you do need to. But for kt, it does send this message, unfortunately] Second, you Linda who have worked so hard and thought the long struggle was in the last throes - it feels like back to square one. But as others have said, this incident and its fallout brings vital information. Either kt is not able to cope yet as well as you thought, or maybe this is just a brief setback which, if given the chance to resolve positively, can be another valuable learning experience, teaching her how to cope instead of retreat. But it will take a lot of work from people doing their jobs right, and given what happened, that worries me. Third, this young man - he has been permitted to vent his anger inappropriately, and to get away with playing the race card. This is a very bad lesson to get away with. It removes him from the need to be accountable for his behaviour, and if he gets away with this without being called on it, he then will repeat this behaviour. Without accepting responsibility for one's actions, you don't learn to behave more appropriately. His opportunity to learn has been denied, by this being allowed. And finally - the rest of us. The kids in that group learn the bad lessons, not the good, purely from observing how this is handled. They learn the race card can be played in order to duck out of responsibility. This sends a double message - "I can accuse others unjustly if I can find a chink" and also, "I can be accused even if I have done nothing wrong." These kids grow up and go out into society, and follow through on these bad lessons. We pay taxes which pick up the financial tab for the longer-term care of people who are poorly equipped to function independently. Plus we have to live in society with these damaged people and continue to try to support them once those badly-learned lessons are deeply ingrained and almost impossible to unlearn. This situation needs to be challenged and resolved. Linda, you need to put in front of these people the reasons for this young man being unwelcome. You also need to specify what he needs to do in order to be welcome once more. "Purgatory freezing over" is not permitted, I'm afraid. I must have missed what he did, but given kt's behaviour now and in the past, I suspect there was a liaison between them which either turned bad, or you blocked. So what he has to do before he is allowed back in your home - first, he has to realise that it was wrong and why. He then has to apologise. And then he can only be allowed there with adult supervision, and only if kt and you both feel safe from his aggressive behaviour. Nothing to do with his colour, because you have made the rules behaviour-based. He also blew his chance by making such an angry outburst, kt sounds like she doesn't want to have anything to do with him any more. Of course the young man is angry - if kt seemed to be offering nirvana, and now it is snatched away by you, he will be trying to work out why. He got sent a very mixed message and probably isn't the most stable person to begin with anyhow. So to him, in the past the problem has generally been put down to his colour. It's the easy option, the answer he can understand the fastest. But he needs to know, there are a lot of other reasons he has to look at, before he considers race to be the reason. OK, maybe he can continue to believe it was due to racism, but he has to(from his perspective, remember) be made to face other reasons that are ahead in the queue. Then, after he has looked at those reasons, he needs to reconsider his concerns and perhaps recognise that this time , there were enough problems with the situation for race to just not be relevant. The SD needs to step in and ensure that this is resolved. Such an accusation cannot be allowed to stand. You have the right to choose who is welcome in your home, but a damaged boy needs to understand that it is NOT about race, and that he cannot claim it is. He brought it out into the open, which means you should have right of reply as well as right to defend yourself. He has lost his right to privacy and confidentiality, you can now publicly (in this group) explain the reasons he is not welcome. SD want kt back in this placement, so they need to make it possible. And perhaps if SD work with you to try to make it possible, they may be the ones to realise that it won't work, after all. Having SD then work with you to sort out an alternative placement would make life a lot easier for you. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
ktbug is sinking fast.....
Top