Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Last night was awful
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 236700" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>OMG THIS IS HUGE!!!!!!!!!!! </p><p> </p><p>And I will have to say - whether you think it or even want to hear it. THE FACT THAT YOUR husband WENT at ALL says he WANTS TO FIX THINGS TOO - </p><p> </p><p>But neither of you know how to fight fair. </p><p> </p><p>Yelling - getting faces made at you - avoiding things - this is all part of the healing process. I know it hurts you - and I know you are breaking inside. I know you don't want to have to do this, wonder why you are even doing this and just wish that one session would make him see how hurt you are. Doesn't happen that way - </p><p>BUT......</p><p>What does happen if you both stick with the program is that you learn to fight fair, find common ground again sometimes even quickly where there is NONE now. OR you keep going to these sessions and one of you decides that you don't want to do the work involved in saving your relationship, that you're not willing to change - and the other partner sees this VERY CLEARLY - and makes plans to move on. </p><p> </p><p>IT didn't get broke over night - it won't get fixed overnight - but I maintain - at least he went. Some men/women actually GO to therapy not to fix things but to show the therapist that the partner is really "nuts, crazy, out of control." and they figure if they go and a professional see's THEIR point of view with the partner in therapy yelling and carrying on etc? That they are vindicated for behaving like they do. What usually happens to those types of partners? The therapist spots the "baiting" and "cajoling" and "manipulation" to start the parnter or set the fire and it becomes evident to any trained eye very quickly - what exactly is going on. </p><p> </p><p>Once caught? That type of person either benefits from a wise therapist who can talk to them on their level with reverse manipulation or they stop going, get up and leave a session and do not return. Those that truly want help? Stay. So keep that in mind because even if he leaves? You keep going and get some self confidence under your belt or get some advice on how to actually talk to your hubby. Sounds crazy - but a lot of times we forget how to speak effectively to other people. </p><p> </p><p>Some of my problem with Dude was that I really thought what was coming out of my mouth in disagreement to his behaviors was justifiable. In part it was - but WHAT you say isn't as effective as HOW you say it. Think about it like this - on the most basic level....(this made me laugh when I heard it spoken out loud) </p><p> </p><p>You have a puppy - you want the puppy to come to you. So you (being 5' taller than a puppy and towering over it) you say in a nice soft tone "come here fella." and in your mind you see a puppy, wagging, and thinking OH that sounded nice - I'll try to understand and walk towards her. Now the same scenario, puppy, yard, you want it to come to you and you tower over that puppy and in a nasty, ugly, growling, short tempered voice you bellow "COME HERE" nearly screaming at that same pup. </p><p>Which would you be more tempted to listen to? </p><p> </p><p>Couples WITHOUT difficult child's can have a rough marriage. Finances, daily grind, health issues all make us -all, irritable. How other people treat us and how they "call their puppy" can either make or break a day. Couples with difficult child's have it very rough, and our kids are relentless and wear us down. WE can drift apart for a number of reasons and sometimes even forget why we fell in love. </p><p> </p><p>Therapy helps you and your husband work at fixing that -one problem at a time. You noticed the therapist didn't say "Okay now list the top 10 things you need husband to do." he said "What one thing sticks out the most?" and you had an answer. What I think you'll be doing over the next week is thinking about "WAS THAT really the ONE thing I want the most?" and maybe by next session you'll both have a different answer - BUT the fact that NOW without a doubt - you've both answered what you felt was the one thing EACH OF YOU could change? You BOTH have a chance to work on that one thing FOR yourself and FOR each other all week. </p><p> </p><p>When you go back next week? - How do you think your husband will be answering "Do you think she yelled less this week?" and how do you think he'll be answering "Did he help you with paying the bills?" </p><p> </p><p>I think you're on your way. Effective communication, fighting fair and learning that I was NOT always mostly rrrrr....wwwwww.....right even thought I thought I was....helped our house stand united to do battle against a very manipulative child. </p><p> </p><p>I hope you find the peace you are seeking - all of you. </p><p> </p><p>And you just get a box of Kleenex and dish and process away - </p><p> </p><p>WE ARE HERE FOR YOU! (sorta like your own little cheering section) </p><p> </p><p>-except for Totoro - she's out catching you butterflies. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 236700, member: 4964"] OMG THIS IS HUGE!!!!!!!!!!! And I will have to say - whether you think it or even want to hear it. THE FACT THAT YOUR husband WENT at ALL says he WANTS TO FIX THINGS TOO - But neither of you know how to fight fair. Yelling - getting faces made at you - avoiding things - this is all part of the healing process. I know it hurts you - and I know you are breaking inside. I know you don't want to have to do this, wonder why you are even doing this and just wish that one session would make him see how hurt you are. Doesn't happen that way - BUT...... What does happen if you both stick with the program is that you learn to fight fair, find common ground again sometimes even quickly where there is NONE now. OR you keep going to these sessions and one of you decides that you don't want to do the work involved in saving your relationship, that you're not willing to change - and the other partner sees this VERY CLEARLY - and makes plans to move on. IT didn't get broke over night - it won't get fixed overnight - but I maintain - at least he went. Some men/women actually GO to therapy not to fix things but to show the therapist that the partner is really "nuts, crazy, out of control." and they figure if they go and a professional see's THEIR point of view with the partner in therapy yelling and carrying on etc? That they are vindicated for behaving like they do. What usually happens to those types of partners? The therapist spots the "baiting" and "cajoling" and "manipulation" to start the parnter or set the fire and it becomes evident to any trained eye very quickly - what exactly is going on. Once caught? That type of person either benefits from a wise therapist who can talk to them on their level with reverse manipulation or they stop going, get up and leave a session and do not return. Those that truly want help? Stay. So keep that in mind because even if he leaves? You keep going and get some self confidence under your belt or get some advice on how to actually talk to your hubby. Sounds crazy - but a lot of times we forget how to speak effectively to other people. Some of my problem with Dude was that I really thought what was coming out of my mouth in disagreement to his behaviors was justifiable. In part it was - but WHAT you say isn't as effective as HOW you say it. Think about it like this - on the most basic level....(this made me laugh when I heard it spoken out loud) You have a puppy - you want the puppy to come to you. So you (being 5' taller than a puppy and towering over it) you say in a nice soft tone "come here fella." and in your mind you see a puppy, wagging, and thinking OH that sounded nice - I'll try to understand and walk towards her. Now the same scenario, puppy, yard, you want it to come to you and you tower over that puppy and in a nasty, ugly, growling, short tempered voice you bellow "COME HERE" nearly screaming at that same pup. Which would you be more tempted to listen to? Couples WITHOUT difficult child's can have a rough marriage. Finances, daily grind, health issues all make us -all, irritable. How other people treat us and how they "call their puppy" can either make or break a day. Couples with difficult child's have it very rough, and our kids are relentless and wear us down. WE can drift apart for a number of reasons and sometimes even forget why we fell in love. Therapy helps you and your husband work at fixing that -one problem at a time. You noticed the therapist didn't say "Okay now list the top 10 things you need husband to do." he said "What one thing sticks out the most?" and you had an answer. What I think you'll be doing over the next week is thinking about "WAS THAT really the ONE thing I want the most?" and maybe by next session you'll both have a different answer - BUT the fact that NOW without a doubt - you've both answered what you felt was the one thing EACH OF YOU could change? You BOTH have a chance to work on that one thing FOR yourself and FOR each other all week. When you go back next week? - How do you think your husband will be answering "Do you think she yelled less this week?" and how do you think he'll be answering "Did he help you with paying the bills?" I think you're on your way. Effective communication, fighting fair and learning that I was NOT always mostly rrrrr....wwwwww.....right even thought I thought I was....helped our house stand united to do battle against a very manipulative child. I hope you find the peace you are seeking - all of you. And you just get a box of Kleenex and dish and process away - WE ARE HERE FOR YOU! (sorta like your own little cheering section) -except for Totoro - she's out catching you butterflies. :winking: [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
Last night was awful
Top