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Last night was awful
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 236785" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Post all you need to. It does help to get it out, and can help even more to get others perspectives on it.</p><p> </p><p>I agree, you and husband have never learned to fight "fair". And it shows. Fighting can be good and constructive when done fairly, or demeaning and horribly destructive when it's unfair. </p><p> </p><p>I set ground rules on "fighting" with husband. No name calling. In 25+ years of marriage and all of the crappola husband has pulled (you wouldn't believe) I've never resorted to calling him a name. Nor him me. Because if he did, he'd be out the door before he could get "I'm sorry" off his lips.</p><p> </p><p>I have an issue with saying you "love" someone while you disrespect that person, even if it's just name calling. in my opinion, the two do not go together, period.</p><p> </p><p>husband and I do not raise our voices. I can think of less than a handful of times we have. I don't like shouting matchs and refuse to participate. I'll shut up first. And husband can egg me on as much as he wants and I won't utter a sound. That's when he <strong>knows</strong> he's in deep deep trouble.</p><p> </p><p>Why do I shut up?? Cuz he's not listening anyway. I might as well be shouting at the wall. So why expend the energy?? It only makes me madder which only makes things worse.</p><p> </p><p>Another rule I have.....and this is mainly for me, as husband doesn't do it........I don't "nag". I don't rehash things over and over. husband is a grown up, either he "gets" it or he doesn't. I watched my Mom nag her way into 4 divorces, 3 of which weren't even necessary. And she'd gotten so used to nagging......that she wasn't even aware she was doing it. So I simply refuse to do it.</p><p> </p><p>Which is why my patio tables are still sitting in the front yard from our yard sale that was last July. I will not nag. Also, I can't move them by myself. And I won't move them because I asked husband twice to do so. And yeah, I'm stubborn as any mule. lol</p><p> </p><p>Kjs, my husband is on the high road to becoming single after I get my nursing degree. (he owes me that much) I don't hold this over his head. I don't even imply it. A few years back there were terms that were put down in order for me to allow the marriage to continue. husband so far hasn't lived up to any of them. No sense in nagging him. My mind was made up the day the terms were laid out. If by some miracle he can "shape up" before I graduate.....well, then we'll see. </p><p> </p><p>But husband has a choice. And he is the only one who can make that choice. I can't make it for him. Instead, I had to decide for myself what I wanted out of my life, what I wanted out of marriage and my partner. Then decide what <strong>I</strong> was going to do to get it. We can only control ourselves. Our spouses are their own individual person, grown ups who can only make their own choices.</p><p> </p><p>My marriage is in the toilet. There is no intimacy and hasn't been for years. I'm ok with that, at peace with it. husband could run right out and have 50 affairs and I wouldn't blink an eye. I just don't care. Period. He could walk out the front door right now and I wouldn't shed a tear. I don't care. </p><p> </p><p>husband doesn't take me seriously. He attempts to pretend that all is well. I treat him with respect......and that's it. He already knows what he should be doing. I'm done repeating. </p><p> </p><p>Words mean nothing without the actions to back them up.</p><p> </p><p>I know this has got to be so hard for you. Sending you lots of (((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 236785, member: 84"] Post all you need to. It does help to get it out, and can help even more to get others perspectives on it. I agree, you and husband have never learned to fight "fair". And it shows. Fighting can be good and constructive when done fairly, or demeaning and horribly destructive when it's unfair. I set ground rules on "fighting" with husband. No name calling. In 25+ years of marriage and all of the crappola husband has pulled (you wouldn't believe) I've never resorted to calling him a name. Nor him me. Because if he did, he'd be out the door before he could get "I'm sorry" off his lips. I have an issue with saying you "love" someone while you disrespect that person, even if it's just name calling. in my opinion, the two do not go together, period. husband and I do not raise our voices. I can think of less than a handful of times we have. I don't like shouting matchs and refuse to participate. I'll shut up first. And husband can egg me on as much as he wants and I won't utter a sound. That's when he [B]knows[/B] he's in deep deep trouble. Why do I shut up?? Cuz he's not listening anyway. I might as well be shouting at the wall. So why expend the energy?? It only makes me madder which only makes things worse. Another rule I have.....and this is mainly for me, as husband doesn't do it........I don't "nag". I don't rehash things over and over. husband is a grown up, either he "gets" it or he doesn't. I watched my Mom nag her way into 4 divorces, 3 of which weren't even necessary. And she'd gotten so used to nagging......that she wasn't even aware she was doing it. So I simply refuse to do it. Which is why my patio tables are still sitting in the front yard from our yard sale that was last July. I will not nag. Also, I can't move them by myself. And I won't move them because I asked husband twice to do so. And yeah, I'm stubborn as any mule. lol Kjs, my husband is on the high road to becoming single after I get my nursing degree. (he owes me that much) I don't hold this over his head. I don't even imply it. A few years back there were terms that were put down in order for me to allow the marriage to continue. husband so far hasn't lived up to any of them. No sense in nagging him. My mind was made up the day the terms were laid out. If by some miracle he can "shape up" before I graduate.....well, then we'll see. But husband has a choice. And he is the only one who can make that choice. I can't make it for him. Instead, I had to decide for myself what I wanted out of my life, what I wanted out of marriage and my partner. Then decide what [B]I[/B] was going to do to get it. We can only control ourselves. Our spouses are their own individual person, grown ups who can only make their own choices. My marriage is in the toilet. There is no intimacy and hasn't been for years. I'm ok with that, at peace with it. husband could run right out and have 50 affairs and I wouldn't blink an eye. I just don't care. Period. He could walk out the front door right now and I wouldn't shed a tear. I don't care. husband doesn't take me seriously. He attempts to pretend that all is well. I treat him with respect......and that's it. He already knows what he should be doing. I'm done repeating. Words mean nothing without the actions to back them up. I know this has got to be so hard for you. Sending you lots of (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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