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Latent difficult child, Drug addict, or Failure to Launch?
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<blockquote data-quote="mrsammler" data-source="post: 441732"><p>At risk of sounding harsh or simplistic--crimes I committed early on in my time on this forum--you need to show him the door. Seriously. It's the only thing that has a chance of waking him up, via real misery, and prodding him toward ending his misbehavior (if for no other reason than that he won't be able to afford it any more) and beginning to deal with his troubles and thus earn some self-esteem. If that means he has to live in a homeless shelter, so be it--he'll HATE it and HATE you and all of that--big deal, frankly, as they all say (and probably really do) they HATE you when you force them into accountability--but you have to just ignore that and let him sort things out on his own. Stealing from you and other family members? That alone calls the game. The rest of it simply runs up the score. If you're worried that he'll just malfunction even more and maybe get into legal trouble--well, yes, he might. But letting him live at home is even worse. I've said it before here: most people, and all difficult children, don't change unless they're so miserable that they have no choice. Put him out and let the misery unfold. And ignore all of the "I HATE you" ****--it really is just noise, and predictable noise at that. If you want to save him, or do all you can to save him, you've gotta let him go. It's counter-intuitive, defies all of your instincts, etc, but it's your best shot at helping him. </p><p></p><p>Regarding the sport, I can identify with that. I was a huge tennis jock in high school and college--I was obsessed, and a very serious and competitive player at high levels--and it really kept me on the rails through high school and early college. When I finally quit the college team (due to decadence, immaturity, partying all the time, etc), I went straight down the tubes (down which I was already descending) as I lacked the one thing that had been organizing and structuring my life, via a sequence of goals (making the varsity high school team, then being the top player, then climbing the men's rankings in my city, then getting a state ranking, then making the college team) that drove me in healthy and productive ways. After that, I was rudderless. So I can understand what you're describing about your son's experience as an athlete, and the effect of losing that self-defining avocation. Still and all, many top athletes have to surrender or leave their sport as they grow into adulthood (you can't play varsity forever), and most become fully functional and productive adults (and most can continue their involvement in the sport via adult leagues and tournaments and the like). So it's not an excuse he can cling to. At 21, it's time for him to "man up" and accept being an adult--and staying at home and malfunctioning and stealing and all of that is simply retarding the process.</p><p></p><p>(Have you read John Updike's novel "Rabbit Run"? It's about what we're discussing: a former top high school athlete, now contending with the adult world where the sport is over and can't "carry" him any more, runs completely aground because he can't make the transition, and the loss/natural end of the sport in his life leaves a gaping hole that he doesn't know how to fill--so he malfunctions, looking for that old magic and self-esteem in all the wrong ways. Recommended reading, although it sounds like your hands are full.)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mrsammler, post: 441732"] At risk of sounding harsh or simplistic--crimes I committed early on in my time on this forum--you need to show him the door. Seriously. It's the only thing that has a chance of waking him up, via real misery, and prodding him toward ending his misbehavior (if for no other reason than that he won't be able to afford it any more) and beginning to deal with his troubles and thus earn some self-esteem. If that means he has to live in a homeless shelter, so be it--he'll HATE it and HATE you and all of that--big deal, frankly, as they all say (and probably really do) they HATE you when you force them into accountability--but you have to just ignore that and let him sort things out on his own. Stealing from you and other family members? That alone calls the game. The rest of it simply runs up the score. If you're worried that he'll just malfunction even more and maybe get into legal trouble--well, yes, he might. But letting him live at home is even worse. I've said it before here: most people, and all difficult children, don't change unless they're so miserable that they have no choice. Put him out and let the misery unfold. And ignore all of the "I HATE you" ****--it really is just noise, and predictable noise at that. If you want to save him, or do all you can to save him, you've gotta let him go. It's counter-intuitive, defies all of your instincts, etc, but it's your best shot at helping him. Regarding the sport, I can identify with that. I was a huge tennis jock in high school and college--I was obsessed, and a very serious and competitive player at high levels--and it really kept me on the rails through high school and early college. When I finally quit the college team (due to decadence, immaturity, partying all the time, etc), I went straight down the tubes (down which I was already descending) as I lacked the one thing that had been organizing and structuring my life, via a sequence of goals (making the varsity high school team, then being the top player, then climbing the men's rankings in my city, then getting a state ranking, then making the college team) that drove me in healthy and productive ways. After that, I was rudderless. So I can understand what you're describing about your son's experience as an athlete, and the effect of losing that self-defining avocation. Still and all, many top athletes have to surrender or leave their sport as they grow into adulthood (you can't play varsity forever), and most become fully functional and productive adults (and most can continue their involvement in the sport via adult leagues and tournaments and the like). So it's not an excuse he can cling to. At 21, it's time for him to "man up" and accept being an adult--and staying at home and malfunctioning and stealing and all of that is simply retarding the process. (Have you read John Updike's novel "Rabbit Run"? It's about what we're discussing: a former top high school athlete, now contending with the adult world where the sport is over and can't "carry" him any more, runs completely aground because he can't make the transition, and the loss/natural end of the sport in his life leaves a gaping hole that he doesn't know how to fill--so he malfunctions, looking for that old magic and self-esteem in all the wrong ways. Recommended reading, although it sounds like your hands are full.) [/QUOTE]
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