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Latent difficult child, Drug addict, or Failure to Launch?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 442048" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Proud of you for moving him out. It really is the very best you can do for him. in my opinion dropping the cost of his insurance in his lap (IF the vehicle is in his name and not yours) would be a very good idea. But you cannot change everything at once, and you may not be ready to do that. The reason it would be such a good idea to make him pay for it is that he doesn't seem to care about driving drunk. If he had to pay that insurance each month it might at least make him THINK, and it would reduce the amt of $$ he has to spend on drugs and booze. </p><p></p><p>If he has $$ in the bank in savings, you NEED to take out enough to cover his insurance each month from now until the time you plan to stop paying it. Get it all at once and tell him it is because he drives drunk and you won't support that. Then you own't be out the $$ for his insurance. </p><p></p><p>Please be aware that he is going to spend every single penny he can get his hands on ASAP. Probably far faster than you have any clue it could be spent in. My gfgbro was hit by a drunk driver years ago and got a large settlement. His lifestyle was very spartan - lived in a small trailer like you would pull behind a pickup, his water came from a hose from the people that owned the property, his toilet was a separate shack with only 3 walls, most of his time was spent out in a national forest. HE STILL ran through it in an amazing amt of time. And was shocked that it was gone - tried to say it was stolen, tried to blame the bank, but every single withdrawal was tracked back to him. If your son can get his mitts on any of the money set aside for his education, he WILL and he will blow it. </p><p></p><p>His counselor is not just an idiot, he is also dead WRONG. That garbage about what you learn from your parents is supremely stupid. NO WAY should you let ANY of that influence your decisions. He is NOT helpless, he is do-less. Do-less is a choice, as is the party lifestyle. I am sure that he will come begging for $$ and rescue soon after he leaves, and that this counselor will tell you that he NEEDS it.</p><p></p><p>Your son NEEDS to fall on his face and have to pick himself up and face the consequences. he NEEDS to figure out how to depend on himself. The lessons you are trying to teach him about money mgmt, etc.... are NOT going to take effect unless he MUST use those tools. This will mean that you cannot rescue him if you want him to learn those things. in my opinion this counselor is trying to perpetuate your son's dependence, NOT try to get him to face his problems and learn to fix them and deal with the consequences. </p><p></p><p>Finding your own therapist, one YOU can open up to, is IMPORTANT. I am glad that you are planning to do this. You have made HUGE strides just by planning to move him out and cut off most of his support. I know it is HARD to do. Be proud of yourself. </p><p></p><p>Stick to your guns, get a GOOD therapist, go to alanon or nar anon (most alanon groups have a substantial number of people with loved ones hwo are on drugs and not booze or not just booze). There are also some Christian based 12 step groups that are for families of addicts. You might call various churches if you feel a strong religious focus would work better for YOU.</p><p></p><p>Above all, put yourself first for a change. Focus on your other son if he is a minor, and on yourself. Pamper yourself - you have EARNED it!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 442048, member: 1233"] Proud of you for moving him out. It really is the very best you can do for him. in my opinion dropping the cost of his insurance in his lap (IF the vehicle is in his name and not yours) would be a very good idea. But you cannot change everything at once, and you may not be ready to do that. The reason it would be such a good idea to make him pay for it is that he doesn't seem to care about driving drunk. If he had to pay that insurance each month it might at least make him THINK, and it would reduce the amt of $$ he has to spend on drugs and booze. If he has $$ in the bank in savings, you NEED to take out enough to cover his insurance each month from now until the time you plan to stop paying it. Get it all at once and tell him it is because he drives drunk and you won't support that. Then you own't be out the $$ for his insurance. Please be aware that he is going to spend every single penny he can get his hands on ASAP. Probably far faster than you have any clue it could be spent in. My gfgbro was hit by a drunk driver years ago and got a large settlement. His lifestyle was very spartan - lived in a small trailer like you would pull behind a pickup, his water came from a hose from the people that owned the property, his toilet was a separate shack with only 3 walls, most of his time was spent out in a national forest. HE STILL ran through it in an amazing amt of time. And was shocked that it was gone - tried to say it was stolen, tried to blame the bank, but every single withdrawal was tracked back to him. If your son can get his mitts on any of the money set aside for his education, he WILL and he will blow it. His counselor is not just an idiot, he is also dead WRONG. That garbage about what you learn from your parents is supremely stupid. NO WAY should you let ANY of that influence your decisions. He is NOT helpless, he is do-less. Do-less is a choice, as is the party lifestyle. I am sure that he will come begging for $$ and rescue soon after he leaves, and that this counselor will tell you that he NEEDS it. Your son NEEDS to fall on his face and have to pick himself up and face the consequences. he NEEDS to figure out how to depend on himself. The lessons you are trying to teach him about money mgmt, etc.... are NOT going to take effect unless he MUST use those tools. This will mean that you cannot rescue him if you want him to learn those things. in my opinion this counselor is trying to perpetuate your son's dependence, NOT try to get him to face his problems and learn to fix them and deal with the consequences. Finding your own therapist, one YOU can open up to, is IMPORTANT. I am glad that you are planning to do this. You have made HUGE strides just by planning to move him out and cut off most of his support. I know it is HARD to do. Be proud of yourself. Stick to your guns, get a GOOD therapist, go to alanon or nar anon (most alanon groups have a substantial number of people with loved ones hwo are on drugs and not booze or not just booze). There are also some Christian based 12 step groups that are for families of addicts. You might call various churches if you feel a strong religious focus would work better for YOU. Above all, put yourself first for a change. Focus on your other son if he is a minor, and on yourself. Pamper yourself - you have EARNED it! [/QUOTE]
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