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Parent Emeritus
Learning to let go
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 728393" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Hi Leana, welcome. I'm so sorry you are struggling with your son and his choices. </p><p></p><p>I am in my 60's and retired. My daughter went off the rails and I raised my granddaughter (who thankfully is 21 and doing great) so I understand and have empathy for your plight. When I was enabling my daughter, she was nasty, blamed me and never appreciated anything I did. As I began detaching from her choices, setting boundaries, saying no and letting go, she changed. Our relationship changed. The less I did, the more she appreciated! But, she would not have changed if I hadn't stopped all of my enabling of her. This is hard stuff.</p><p></p><p>I believe you're doing the right thing by setting strong boundaries, detaching from your son's behaviors and letting go.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't usually feel good to detach from our kids, but it becomes necessary most of the time. Over time, it gets easier and you'll feel considerably better. </p><p></p><p>As Tired Mama mentioned, <u>Codependent no more</u> by Melodie Beattie is a good resource. As are any book by Pema Chodron and Eckhart Tolle. The article on detachment is at the bottom of my post here. NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness may be a good resource for you as well, you can access them online, they have wonderful courses for parents. If you haven't already, you might consider therapy for you and your husband. Frankly, I could not have done this without professional help. Many of us here make that choice, this is a very difficult journey.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there, continue posting it helps so much. Take care of yourselves now, nourish and nurture yourselves as the priority. I'm glad you're here. You are not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 728393, member: 13542"] Hi Leana, welcome. I'm so sorry you are struggling with your son and his choices. I am in my 60's and retired. My daughter went off the rails and I raised my granddaughter (who thankfully is 21 and doing great) so I understand and have empathy for your plight. When I was enabling my daughter, she was nasty, blamed me and never appreciated anything I did. As I began detaching from her choices, setting boundaries, saying no and letting go, she changed. Our relationship changed. The less I did, the more she appreciated! But, she would not have changed if I hadn't stopped all of my enabling of her. This is hard stuff. I believe you're doing the right thing by setting strong boundaries, detaching from your son's behaviors and letting go. It doesn't usually feel good to detach from our kids, but it becomes necessary most of the time. Over time, it gets easier and you'll feel considerably better. As Tired Mama mentioned, [U]Codependent no more[/U] by Melodie Beattie is a good resource. As are any book by Pema Chodron and Eckhart Tolle. The article on detachment is at the bottom of my post here. NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness may be a good resource for you as well, you can access them online, they have wonderful courses for parents. If you haven't already, you might consider therapy for you and your husband. Frankly, I could not have done this without professional help. Many of us here make that choice, this is a very difficult journey. Hang in there, continue posting it helps so much. Take care of yourselves now, nourish and nurture yourselves as the priority. I'm glad you're here. You are not alone. [/QUOTE]
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