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lessons from wise warriors on detaching?
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 68840" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>I don't think there is an easy way to detach. What I really believe is that, until the kids are successfully launched, there is some hormonal something that creates an almost obsessive fixation on the child who is not doing well. Just as we mother our infants through every stage, totally attentive to every sound or step, we mother our adolescents. Kids in trouble never leave that "adolescent" stage. (And they do say that, too ~ that kids who use or drink don't progress beyond the stage of maturity at which they began using.)</p><p></p><p>Having said that though, I think that if we do not make that conscious choice to detach, we will become weakened and exhausted and depressed. We will fixate on that lost child to the exclusion of our marriages and our other children. We will allow inappropriate behaviors from the "lost" one because we literally do not see them as inappropriate. We lose sight of the fact that we have, and can make, a choice about how we expect to be treated as parents. (For instance, difficult child calls both husband and myself by our first names because we are "friends" not family ~ until he wants money, that is. And then? Our "family" is the worst, most heartless family that ever was.)</p><p></p><p>Unless we can detach enough to state our healthy expectations, we will be treated worse and worse by the child who is not doing well.</p><p></p><p>Hearthope made the other key point ~ the point that enables detachment. </p><p></p><p>The child who is willfully not doing well IS happy doing what he or she is doing, or the child would make a different choice.</p><p></p><p>A key phrase for me was "You were raised better than to do what you are doing."</p><p></p><p>A key understanding for me was to realize the truth in that statement. </p><p></p><p>The child is doing what he or she wants to. </p><p></p><p>And they aren't about to stop for you.</p><p></p><p>If there is drug use, you will have to face up to that. It took us a very long time to acknowledge the part drug use was playing in the course of our son's life. </p><p></p><p>No parent wants to acknowledge that the child is powerless over his or her addiction. It is too painful and scary and hopeless.</p><p></p><p>But for some of us, that IS the child's situation. Our pretending the child will be fine if we just help him stand up one more time serves no real purpose ~ except to help us feel we did SOMETHING.</p><p></p><p>The detachment site is listed at the bottom of my posts. It helped me through the worst, beginning phases of seeing our family's situation for what it is.</p><p></p><p>I wish you well.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for the pain you are in. Over time, you will recover the joy that seems gone forever right now.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 68840, member: 1721"] I don't think there is an easy way to detach. What I really believe is that, until the kids are successfully launched, there is some hormonal something that creates an almost obsessive fixation on the child who is not doing well. Just as we mother our infants through every stage, totally attentive to every sound or step, we mother our adolescents. Kids in trouble never leave that "adolescent" stage. (And they do say that, too ~ that kids who use or drink don't progress beyond the stage of maturity at which they began using.) Having said that though, I think that if we do not make that conscious choice to detach, we will become weakened and exhausted and depressed. We will fixate on that lost child to the exclusion of our marriages and our other children. We will allow inappropriate behaviors from the "lost" one because we literally do not see them as inappropriate. We lose sight of the fact that we have, and can make, a choice about how we expect to be treated as parents. (For instance, difficult child calls both husband and myself by our first names because we are "friends" not family ~ until he wants money, that is. And then? Our "family" is the worst, most heartless family that ever was.) Unless we can detach enough to state our healthy expectations, we will be treated worse and worse by the child who is not doing well. Hearthope made the other key point ~ the point that enables detachment. The child who is willfully not doing well IS happy doing what he or she is doing, or the child would make a different choice. A key phrase for me was "You were raised better than to do what you are doing." A key understanding for me was to realize the truth in that statement. The child is doing what he or she wants to. And they aren't about to stop for you. If there is drug use, you will have to face up to that. It took us a very long time to acknowledge the part drug use was playing in the course of our son's life. No parent wants to acknowledge that the child is powerless over his or her addiction. It is too painful and scary and hopeless. But for some of us, that IS the child's situation. Our pretending the child will be fine if we just help him stand up one more time serves no real purpose ~ except to help us feel we did SOMETHING. The detachment site is listed at the bottom of my posts. It helped me through the worst, beginning phases of seeing our family's situation for what it is. I wish you well. I am sorry for the pain you are in. Over time, you will recover the joy that seems gone forever right now. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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