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lessons from wise warriors on detaching?
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<blockquote data-quote="Steely" data-source="post: 70476" data-attributes="member: 3301"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Sammie</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I can really relate to how you are feeling... How do you detach from someone you spent your life "attaching" to.... I think there shoud be a new disorder just for moms of kids like ours "detachment disorder".... </div></div></p><p></p><p>Hi Sammie,</p><p>I agree - "detachment disorder" for parents! Gotta love that verbiage. :wink:</p><p></p><p>To answer your question, yes my son still lives here at home because he is not even 17 yet (will be next month). I guess I know I need to start detaching now, because of how over attached I have been towards him his whole life. I am finally realizing that I have to regain my life back, if he is ever to have one. It was so hard when he was younger, I really felt if I dropped everything; my career, my friends, my life, and focused on helping him get better that would be the answer to his problems. Because that is what mom's do, right? If our child is sick we drop everything! However, although I do credit my over-involvement to <em>some</em> positive things in his life, this last year we have both completely lost our way. Completely - both of us are depressed, angry, and empty.</p><p></p><p>You asked about how to detach when he is still at home......and I think that is truly the hardest aspect. I think somebody on this post, or one similar, said the key is to ignore most of the behavior. All the little things that make me want to nag, correct, and scold him - I am trying to take a step back from. He does not self correct, and he has no self discipline, but I do not think I foster it by telling him what to do all of the time. He needs to figure out what to do by his own natural consequences.</p><p></p><p>Now, that does not mean that the minute he turns 17 there are not going to BIG changes - he will either have a job, or be in school. Period. I have a huge poster board calendar on the wall in his room, and I am making him count off the days, so he is mentally prepared for his huge reality check.</p><p></p><p>My biggest issue now, is trying to discern what he really is capable of. He does have <strong>huge</strong> mental illness challenges.........and I cannot simply use only tough love and pretend as if his mental illnesses do not exist. So I want to tread the waters, calmly, appropriately, and ask of him things that are in alignment of his capabilities. It is just that I do not really know what he is capable of. He is smart, but anxious, and gets overwhelmed and melts down at the drop of a hat. I really cannot see him working at McDonalds - seriously! I can SO see him throwing a thing of french fries at the difficult costumer, and storming off the job. :shocked: I believe he would do this because he could not handle the mental over stimulation - but perhaps I am in denial and underestimate him. I am not sure. I <em>can</em> see him working in a small office, with a small staff. So I guess I just will have to push him, within my own comfort zone, without enabling him (that's the hard part) until he finds what he is capable of handling.</p><p></p><p>Good luck in your detaching venture. My thoughts will be with you and your boy....I know how sad and hard it is......but we will hope that this is exactly the kick he needs to move on.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steely, post: 70476, member: 3301"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Sammie</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I can really relate to how you are feeling... How do you detach from someone you spent your life "attaching" to.... I think there shoud be a new disorder just for moms of kids like ours "detachment disorder".... </div></div> Hi Sammie, I agree - "detachment disorder" for parents! Gotta love that verbiage. [img]:wink:[/img] To answer your question, yes my son still lives here at home because he is not even 17 yet (will be next month). I guess I know I need to start detaching now, because of how over attached I have been towards him his whole life. I am finally realizing that I have to regain my life back, if he is ever to have one. It was so hard when he was younger, I really felt if I dropped everything; my career, my friends, my life, and focused on helping him get better that would be the answer to his problems. Because that is what mom's do, right? If our child is sick we drop everything! However, although I do credit my over-involvement to [i]some[/i] positive things in his life, this last year we have both completely lost our way. Completely - both of us are depressed, angry, and empty. You asked about how to detach when he is still at home......and I think that is truly the hardest aspect. I think somebody on this post, or one similar, said the key is to ignore most of the behavior. All the little things that make me want to nag, correct, and scold him - I am trying to take a step back from. He does not self correct, and he has no self discipline, but I do not think I foster it by telling him what to do all of the time. He needs to figure out what to do by his own natural consequences. Now, that does not mean that the minute he turns 17 there are not going to BIG changes - he will either have a job, or be in school. Period. I have a huge poster board calendar on the wall in his room, and I am making him count off the days, so he is mentally prepared for his huge reality check. My biggest issue now, is trying to discern what he really is capable of. He does have [b]huge[/b] mental illness challenges.........and I cannot simply use only tough love and pretend as if his mental illnesses do not exist. So I want to tread the waters, calmly, appropriately, and ask of him things that are in alignment of his capabilities. It is just that I do not really know what he is capable of. He is smart, but anxious, and gets overwhelmed and melts down at the drop of a hat. I really cannot see him working at McDonalds - seriously! I can SO see him throwing a thing of french fries at the difficult costumer, and storming off the job. [img]:shocked:[/img] I believe he would do this because he could not handle the mental over stimulation - but perhaps I am in denial and underestimate him. I am not sure. I [i]can[/i] see him working in a small office, with a small staff. So I guess I just will have to push him, within my own comfort zone, without enabling him (that's the hard part) until he finds what he is capable of handling. Good luck in your detaching venture. My thoughts will be with you and your boy....I know how sad and hard it is......but we will hope that this is exactly the kick he needs to move on. [/QUOTE]
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