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Letter to difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 629647" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>That is so true. Even as hard as we work, and as much as we progress, and all we have learned and now know and believe, we have to go all the way back to the beginning and remind ourselves of all of it in order to stop doing what comes via our mommy DNA and genetics and the sight of our own child---even a grown one---slumped asleep in a chair at a day shelter. </p><p></p><p>It is a conscious decision to stop the old behavior and do the new behavior. It is a decision. And that takes energy, and strength, and purpose and support and the sure belief that NO OTHER WAY has done a single thing to help either of us, and at least this way, one of us has experienced some peace. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am so glad you wrote that. I was so upset with myself, even at the same time I was trying hard not to stuff down the enormous pain I was feeling, the absolute wrenching loss, and the unrelenting fear and the never ending sadness and the fact that I was so raw and so torn that I felt if you touched my arm it would bleed. That is exactly how I felt for about 18 hours. I still don't understand why that, and why now, but that is the truth of how I felt. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am trying hard to use, every minute, what I have learned and what you have taught me, each of your stories, the same stories as mine, trying the same things I did, and NONE OF IT WORKED.</p><p></p><p>Because when I am torn and bleeding once again, my weak mind says, well maybe this ISN"T the way after all, maybe I have been wrong for the past four years, because I cannot stand this pain and I have to do SOMETHING to stop it. It's my pain, and I see it, but I still want to do something for him so it will make me feel better. That is exactly what it is about, at that moment.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Torture is the right word, Cedar. Exquisite torture. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I felt like I was frantic, turning and twisting, looking for something, anything to help myself. I was desperate for something. </p><p></p><p>I wonder if this is how THEY are when they are searching for their next substance. It is an awful feeling. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, it is embedded in us, we moms. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh Alb, Yes! It is so stupid when we write it and see it in black and white, but that is me. </p><p></p><p>I wanted to give you an update since the last time I posted. I went to Al-Anon Thursday night---it was a comedy of errors, but also grace shone through. I was making the pasta salad here, doing household chores, and planned to go to the 6:30 AlAnon meeting. I truly didn't want to go, I just wanted to isolate here in my safe place, alone, but I KNEW I needed to go. I knew it was the next right thing to do, because I have learned that. </p><p></p><p>So at 6:15 I went to glance at the schedule to see what book would be used, and I saw that the meeting started at 6 instead of 6:30. Oh my gosh, I was going to be really late, so I flew out the door. When I got there one familiar member was standing in the parking lot and she said one other person had come but left because it was just the two of them. I said, well, do you want to have a meeting anyway, just the two of us? Because i really need a meeting. And she said yes, so we went inside and I said, let's call the other person who just left and see if she wants to come back. So I did, and she did, and so we began the meeting a good 35 minutes late. </p><p></p><p>It was such a gift. The other person is a long-time police officer who is there because of her mother in her late 70s who is addicted to pain pills. The mother lives half the country away. The other person is in a marriage with an active alcoholic, and she goes to 5 meetings a week. I ended up chairing---nobody had signed up---so I said, well if you don't mind if I cry through it all, I will chair. </p><p></p><p>As the meeting went on, I felt myself quietening inside. I wasn't "okay" but I was better. I was able to talk at length about my situation and my pain and my despair and my shock that difficult child was out of jail NOW and back to the street. </p><p></p><p>When I left that meeting, I was better. The rest of the evening at home was calmer and I just ate something and watched TV. Went to bed and slept pretty good for about 6 hours. </p><p></p><p>Friday was an up and down day. I ran as usual, mowed and did the outside work---it was really hot and humid here and I kept feeling weak and dizzy. </p><p></p><p>difficult child had asked me to pay for his Effexor refill--which meant the $30 copay and the $20 rx. I said I would. I also decided to---he did not ask---to pay his June payment of the minimum $20 on his fines. I also decided to---he did not ask---to give him $2 for two bus trips. </p><p></p><p>SO and I talked about this at length Friday morning---he was FINALLY back from Chicago and I went over to his house for coffee after running so we talked about it all. He said difficult child was well-taught for years that other people will take care of things so what he sees is difficult child always sitting back and waiting for someone else to take care of things again. </p><p></p><p>I know I have been and still am a part of that. We talked about my doing these things and also spelling out to difficult child that there will be no more payment on the fines after this---regardless of anything---and no more payment for RX after this. </p><p></p><p>I wrote it in a letter to difficult child, and took it to the day shelter and dropped it off with the social worker. difficult child came back there whle I was there and so SO and I both saw him for a few minutes. I also told him the same thing. In the letter I said, let's wait and talk to each other again next Thursday (day before the Fourth). </p><p></p><p>So I was able to live with that. I can really tell myself that I should not have done any of it, and that is very likely 100 percent true. But I couldn't live with that, at that moment, in the state I was in. </p><p></p><p>But having done that, I can with a clear conscience state that I will not do it again, and I will not. I have vascillated about the fines because if he doesn't pay the minimum of $20 a month then he will have to pay $6000 to get his driver's license reinstated. It may come to that anyway, but I have done all I am going to do on that. </p><p></p><p>difficult child told easy child that he is going to try to get into a program that is 28 days and then a halfway house for six months---in a big city 30 miles from here. He told easy child that "I don't really need rehab but I do need to start over again and so this would help me do that." </p><p>He also told easy child that his court-appointed attorney prepared him to be sentenced to the full four years on Wednesday in court. For some reason, he was reprieved from that, but when I called the court office yesterday and finally got the information, it is written in his sentence that he will serve the full term if arrested again.</p><p></p><p>So he has a strong deterrent not to re-offend. Who knows if that is enough for him to do something different.</p><p></p><p>I am much better. I went to another Al-Anon meeting last night at 5. I am going to another today at noon. Another tomorrow at 9 a.m. I am going to go to a string of meetings next week until we go out of town on Thursday for the Fourth weekend.</p><p></p><p>I am regaining myself. </p><p></p><p>Part two on next post...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 629647, member: 17542"] That is so true. Even as hard as we work, and as much as we progress, and all we have learned and now know and believe, we have to go all the way back to the beginning and remind ourselves of all of it in order to stop doing what comes via our mommy DNA and genetics and the sight of our own child---even a grown one---slumped asleep in a chair at a day shelter. It is a conscious decision to stop the old behavior and do the new behavior. It is a decision. And that takes energy, and strength, and purpose and support and the sure belief that NO OTHER WAY has done a single thing to help either of us, and at least this way, one of us has experienced some peace. I am so glad you wrote that. I was so upset with myself, even at the same time I was trying hard not to stuff down the enormous pain I was feeling, the absolute wrenching loss, and the unrelenting fear and the never ending sadness and the fact that I was so raw and so torn that I felt if you touched my arm it would bleed. That is exactly how I felt for about 18 hours. I still don't understand why that, and why now, but that is the truth of how I felt. I am trying hard to use, every minute, what I have learned and what you have taught me, each of your stories, the same stories as mine, trying the same things I did, and NONE OF IT WORKED. Because when I am torn and bleeding once again, my weak mind says, well maybe this ISN"T the way after all, maybe I have been wrong for the past four years, because I cannot stand this pain and I have to do SOMETHING to stop it. It's my pain, and I see it, but I still want to do something for him so it will make me feel better. That is exactly what it is about, at that moment. Torture is the right word, Cedar. Exquisite torture. I felt like I was frantic, turning and twisting, looking for something, anything to help myself. I was desperate for something. I wonder if this is how THEY are when they are searching for their next substance. It is an awful feeling. Yes, it is embedded in us, we moms. Oh Alb, Yes! It is so stupid when we write it and see it in black and white, but that is me. I wanted to give you an update since the last time I posted. I went to Al-Anon Thursday night---it was a comedy of errors, but also grace shone through. I was making the pasta salad here, doing household chores, and planned to go to the 6:30 AlAnon meeting. I truly didn't want to go, I just wanted to isolate here in my safe place, alone, but I KNEW I needed to go. I knew it was the next right thing to do, because I have learned that. So at 6:15 I went to glance at the schedule to see what book would be used, and I saw that the meeting started at 6 instead of 6:30. Oh my gosh, I was going to be really late, so I flew out the door. When I got there one familiar member was standing in the parking lot and she said one other person had come but left because it was just the two of them. I said, well, do you want to have a meeting anyway, just the two of us? Because i really need a meeting. And she said yes, so we went inside and I said, let's call the other person who just left and see if she wants to come back. So I did, and she did, and so we began the meeting a good 35 minutes late. It was such a gift. The other person is a long-time police officer who is there because of her mother in her late 70s who is addicted to pain pills. The mother lives half the country away. The other person is in a marriage with an active alcoholic, and she goes to 5 meetings a week. I ended up chairing---nobody had signed up---so I said, well if you don't mind if I cry through it all, I will chair. As the meeting went on, I felt myself quietening inside. I wasn't "okay" but I was better. I was able to talk at length about my situation and my pain and my despair and my shock that difficult child was out of jail NOW and back to the street. When I left that meeting, I was better. The rest of the evening at home was calmer and I just ate something and watched TV. Went to bed and slept pretty good for about 6 hours. Friday was an up and down day. I ran as usual, mowed and did the outside work---it was really hot and humid here and I kept feeling weak and dizzy. difficult child had asked me to pay for his Effexor refill--which meant the $30 copay and the $20 rx. I said I would. I also decided to---he did not ask---to pay his June payment of the minimum $20 on his fines. I also decided to---he did not ask---to give him $2 for two bus trips. SO and I talked about this at length Friday morning---he was FINALLY back from Chicago and I went over to his house for coffee after running so we talked about it all. He said difficult child was well-taught for years that other people will take care of things so what he sees is difficult child always sitting back and waiting for someone else to take care of things again. I know I have been and still am a part of that. We talked about my doing these things and also spelling out to difficult child that there will be no more payment on the fines after this---regardless of anything---and no more payment for RX after this. I wrote it in a letter to difficult child, and took it to the day shelter and dropped it off with the social worker. difficult child came back there whle I was there and so SO and I both saw him for a few minutes. I also told him the same thing. In the letter I said, let's wait and talk to each other again next Thursday (day before the Fourth). So I was able to live with that. I can really tell myself that I should not have done any of it, and that is very likely 100 percent true. But I couldn't live with that, at that moment, in the state I was in. But having done that, I can with a clear conscience state that I will not do it again, and I will not. I have vascillated about the fines because if he doesn't pay the minimum of $20 a month then he will have to pay $6000 to get his driver's license reinstated. It may come to that anyway, but I have done all I am going to do on that. difficult child told easy child that he is going to try to get into a program that is 28 days and then a halfway house for six months---in a big city 30 miles from here. He told easy child that "I don't really need rehab but I do need to start over again and so this would help me do that." He also told easy child that his court-appointed attorney prepared him to be sentenced to the full four years on Wednesday in court. For some reason, he was reprieved from that, but when I called the court office yesterday and finally got the information, it is written in his sentence that he will serve the full term if arrested again. So he has a strong deterrent not to re-offend. Who knows if that is enough for him to do something different. I am much better. I went to another Al-Anon meeting last night at 5. I am going to another today at noon. Another tomorrow at 9 a.m. I am going to go to a string of meetings next week until we go out of town on Thursday for the Fourth weekend. I am regaining myself. Part two on next post... [/QUOTE]
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