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Letter to difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 629984" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>We have to feel the feelings on our own, without anybody else, but just knowing people who truly, truly understand are there, and they are witnesses to our immense pain, and we don't have to overexplain because they already know, such a gift. Such a gift. This board, and Al-Anon, gives me this, and I could not do it without both. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you, Echo. I know, my heart aches for you and for each person who spills his pain or her pain on this board about our children. It is so very raw and real and once we are in this life, we can't go back to a life full of posturing and falseness and masks and half-truths. We are looking into the face of true reality, and in this case, the face of Hell, and it changes us forever. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am quoting myself because here, this was seminal for me. This woke me up, and helped me move forward. When we see reality, see a situation for what IT IS, even in a flash, we need to pause and let it penetrate us, because that is where the truth is. That is what we really need to deal with, not our mommy fantasies of woulda, shoulda, coulda. Those keep us stuck. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You were so right and so wise here, Echo. Thank you for telling me that, when I most needed to hear it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>RE, you too. Thank you. I don't EVER want to not feel my love and my reaching out for my son, because it is truly myself at my most human but it hurts so profoundly to be that real and recognize that reality. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, true acceptance, radical acceptance, puts hope aside for a while. It puts the desperate waiting for a sign, any sign, of change, aside, and just accepts life on life's terms, the ugliness, the messiness, the inconsistencies, the intentions but not the actions...all of it. There is still hope, but it is not the focus, for now. I don't know where it goes, but it can't be front and center with radical acceptance. It is in conflict with radical acceptance. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I do see this now. I see myself walking, walking, walking through the pain to get to the other side. More steps toward true acceptance, I hope and I pray. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am so much better now. So much better. I am very thankful for your guidance and the fact that you have walked this ahead of me and can show me the way. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Please do, Annie, and let's credit Echo with much of the original content. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It was a gift and it was a wakeup call that penetrated and helped the FOG start to lift, that day. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is such a lonely silence. Thank God for you all to walk with me through it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh yes, that is such a profound state that I continue to be in. I'm just so very, very, very tired of this. So sick and tired. That is why I am willing to fight for change. That is how we MUST be before we are willing to do the hard, hard work of change on OURSELVES. </p><p></p><p>*************************************</p><p></p><p>Just a small update: difficult child just called, in the middle of my writing this post. I had asked him not to call me until today. And he did not, until today. No communication since last Friday. That was very good for me, and I was able, for the most part, to let it all go, and just work on healing myself in this past week, thanks to you, and Al-Anon and time itself.</p><p></p><p>We had a very nice conversation. I am glad he called.</p><p></p><p>He was very enthusiastic about all World Cup events. He actually saw the US/Belgium game from someone (who he said just got their disability check)'s hotel room. He talked long and animatedly about Spain, Portugal, Germany, details I don't know much about but I was glad to listen and participate a little bit. He played four years of soccer in h.s. and so he has always been a soccer fan and has always followed the World Cup closely.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, that gave us a good, neutral conversation topic. </p><p></p><p>He told me about all of his efforts to get his Effexor, which were many, finally went to the ER and got 7 of them last week and today is getting into a doctor for a visit and to get more. Went to both probations---local and state. Has called a program in a major city 25 miles from here about their 28 day rehab and halfway house program. He said they sounded like it is a possibility and to call them back today after he saw both probations. He said the probation officers said to go there and just have them fax the paperwork.</p><p></p><p>He said he has also called multiple halfway houses and most of them require a week's deposit before you can go there, so he is pursuing this one first.</p><p></p><p>I said: Sounds like you are making some progress and that's great.</p><p></p><p>I also suggested he call the place where he went for rehab (oh, so long ago) that I paid for, because as an alumni they will help and they have a series of halfway houses in another surburban city.</p><p></p><p>He said: I don't want to be in a halfway house here in this town. But I don't want to be too, too far away either.</p><p></p><p>I said: I think that is good thinking on your part.</p><p></p><p>I didn't offer to pay for anything. (I wanted to offer to pay the first week of a halfway house, but I refrained). So, I said, well, I'm glad to hear from you and let's talk next week.</p><p></p><p>I don't want to read too much into all of this, but it SOUNDS good and promising.</p><p></p><p>Time will Tell. Like SO always says, we'll know in about two weeks after he's released from jail if anything will be different this time.</p><p></p><p>I am not going to get all twisted up. I am going to lean in, enjoy my weekend and turn him over to my Higher Power again (and again). </p><p></p><p>HE Has to walk this path, now. Please pray for me, him and all of us. Thank you, my friends, for just being here. Happy Fourth!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 629984, member: 17542"] We have to feel the feelings on our own, without anybody else, but just knowing people who truly, truly understand are there, and they are witnesses to our immense pain, and we don't have to overexplain because they already know, such a gift. Such a gift. This board, and Al-Anon, gives me this, and I could not do it without both. Thank you, Echo. I know, my heart aches for you and for each person who spills his pain or her pain on this board about our children. It is so very raw and real and once we are in this life, we can't go back to a life full of posturing and falseness and masks and half-truths. We are looking into the face of true reality, and in this case, the face of Hell, and it changes us forever. I am quoting myself because here, this was seminal for me. This woke me up, and helped me move forward. When we see reality, see a situation for what IT IS, even in a flash, we need to pause and let it penetrate us, because that is where the truth is. That is what we really need to deal with, not our mommy fantasies of woulda, shoulda, coulda. Those keep us stuck. You were so right and so wise here, Echo. Thank you for telling me that, when I most needed to hear it. RE, you too. Thank you. I don't EVER want to not feel my love and my reaching out for my son, because it is truly myself at my most human but it hurts so profoundly to be that real and recognize that reality. Yes, true acceptance, radical acceptance, puts hope aside for a while. It puts the desperate waiting for a sign, any sign, of change, aside, and just accepts life on life's terms, the ugliness, the messiness, the inconsistencies, the intentions but not the actions...all of it. There is still hope, but it is not the focus, for now. I don't know where it goes, but it can't be front and center with radical acceptance. It is in conflict with radical acceptance. I do see this now. I see myself walking, walking, walking through the pain to get to the other side. More steps toward true acceptance, I hope and I pray. I am so much better now. So much better. I am very thankful for your guidance and the fact that you have walked this ahead of me and can show me the way. Yes. Yes. Please do, Annie, and let's credit Echo with much of the original content. It was a gift and it was a wakeup call that penetrated and helped the FOG start to lift, that day. Yes. It is such a lonely silence. Thank God for you all to walk with me through it. Oh yes, that is such a profound state that I continue to be in. I'm just so very, very, very tired of this. So sick and tired. That is why I am willing to fight for change. That is how we MUST be before we are willing to do the hard, hard work of change on OURSELVES. ************************************* Just a small update: difficult child just called, in the middle of my writing this post. I had asked him not to call me until today. And he did not, until today. No communication since last Friday. That was very good for me, and I was able, for the most part, to let it all go, and just work on healing myself in this past week, thanks to you, and Al-Anon and time itself. We had a very nice conversation. I am glad he called. He was very enthusiastic about all World Cup events. He actually saw the US/Belgium game from someone (who he said just got their disability check)'s hotel room. He talked long and animatedly about Spain, Portugal, Germany, details I don't know much about but I was glad to listen and participate a little bit. He played four years of soccer in h.s. and so he has always been a soccer fan and has always followed the World Cup closely. Anyway, that gave us a good, neutral conversation topic. He told me about all of his efforts to get his Effexor, which were many, finally went to the ER and got 7 of them last week and today is getting into a doctor for a visit and to get more. Went to both probations---local and state. Has called a program in a major city 25 miles from here about their 28 day rehab and halfway house program. He said they sounded like it is a possibility and to call them back today after he saw both probations. He said the probation officers said to go there and just have them fax the paperwork. He said he has also called multiple halfway houses and most of them require a week's deposit before you can go there, so he is pursuing this one first. I said: Sounds like you are making some progress and that's great. I also suggested he call the place where he went for rehab (oh, so long ago) that I paid for, because as an alumni they will help and they have a series of halfway houses in another surburban city. He said: I don't want to be in a halfway house here in this town. But I don't want to be too, too far away either. I said: I think that is good thinking on your part. I didn't offer to pay for anything. (I wanted to offer to pay the first week of a halfway house, but I refrained). So, I said, well, I'm glad to hear from you and let's talk next week. I don't want to read too much into all of this, but it SOUNDS good and promising. Time will Tell. Like SO always says, we'll know in about two weeks after he's released from jail if anything will be different this time. I am not going to get all twisted up. I am going to lean in, enjoy my weekend and turn him over to my Higher Power again (and again). HE Has to walk this path, now. Please pray for me, him and all of us. Thank you, my friends, for just being here. Happy Fourth! [/QUOTE]
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