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Letting go: I seem to be unable to do this.
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<blockquote data-quote="Snow White" data-source="post: 739481" data-attributes="member: 355"><p>Oh, Copa - I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Your son appears to know exactly what words will bring you back into his inner circle. Your heart must be breaking...again.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Our instincts are to nuture and protect. We do not want to see/hear that they are struggling. When our children were very small, we would have traded our souls for their pain when sick or injured. The problem is that if we traded in our soul now, they would still need more - it would never be enough. </p><p></p><p></p><p>OTE has a great point and I actually used it on the weekend when our daughter texted that she was fighting with the fiancé yet again. I acknowledged the message and replied that I was sorry things weren't going well but that I was confident she would get through this. As the evening went on, she became more despondent and then texted her "goodbye, I love you" message. These often "cryptic" messages stab me right through the heart. I started to go into panic mode wondering how I could get emergency assistance to her but I couldn't because I had absolutely no idea where she was (she relies on free WiFi, as she has no SIM card in her phone). I was forced to sit back and wait. The next morning, she texted - all fine.</p><p></p><p>I think it is so difficult to maintain zero contact but I know that some people here have to - it's the only way that they are able to function. I don't think it makes anyone better or worse - it is what they have to do in order to keep their boundaries intact. Based on your post, I feel you are going to suffer more with increased communication with your son. </p><p></p><p>Is it possible to use someone else as a "go-between"? Someone else that you trust that your son could periodically send messages to? In a way, I do that with my husband. Most of the time he is not able to process all of the high-end drama that daughter brings to the house. I become the go-between and filter what I think he wants to hear (or is capable of processing at the time). </p><p></p><p>I don't really know what else to offer. My heart breaks for you - sending huge hugs your way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Snow White, post: 739481, member: 355"] Oh, Copa - I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Your son appears to know exactly what words will bring you back into his inner circle. Your heart must be breaking...again. Our instincts are to nuture and protect. We do not want to see/hear that they are struggling. When our children were very small, we would have traded our souls for their pain when sick or injured. The problem is that if we traded in our soul now, they would still need more - it would never be enough. OTE has a great point and I actually used it on the weekend when our daughter texted that she was fighting with the fiancé yet again. I acknowledged the message and replied that I was sorry things weren't going well but that I was confident she would get through this. As the evening went on, she became more despondent and then texted her "goodbye, I love you" message. These often "cryptic" messages stab me right through the heart. I started to go into panic mode wondering how I could get emergency assistance to her but I couldn't because I had absolutely no idea where she was (she relies on free WiFi, as she has no SIM card in her phone). I was forced to sit back and wait. The next morning, she texted - all fine. I think it is so difficult to maintain zero contact but I know that some people here have to - it's the only way that they are able to function. I don't think it makes anyone better or worse - it is what they have to do in order to keep their boundaries intact. Based on your post, I feel you are going to suffer more with increased communication with your son. Is it possible to use someone else as a "go-between"? Someone else that you trust that your son could periodically send messages to? In a way, I do that with my husband. Most of the time he is not able to process all of the high-end drama that daughter brings to the house. I become the go-between and filter what I think he wants to hear (or is capable of processing at the time). I don't really know what else to offer. My heart breaks for you - sending huge hugs your way. [/QUOTE]
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Letting go: I seem to be unable to do this.
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