I have been out of contact with my son for about 6 weeks, with only very sporadic contact by text. In the weeks prior it was an ugly break up. The police came multiple times. He squatted on a property. A couple of weeks later he left our area and went to a large metro a few hours away. I presume he is on the street. The first couple of weeks were horrible for me. I was in a deeply sad mood. My sleep was disrupted. I woke at 2 each morning with a sense of dread and despair. Eventually I was able to regain equilibrium, and began to feel a sense of pride that I was standing in my own life, not in him. Today he called to ask if I had gotten mail. I think it was a pretext. I said I would text him back. You see. I do not want to hear his voice. Anyhow, when I checked the mail I texted back, I had not. He sent a message back that kind of jarred me. He texted: Remember. I made this decision to find myself. My higher self... I wrote back: Those are powerful words, J. And then I began to worry. You see there is NO CONTACT with him that is safe for me. I worried that, what is he thinking, that he can find his higher self by looking real hard on the street, or by taking a drug? So, I began to panic. And so unable to help myself I texted back this: Usually ones higher self is achieved in the course of living life, looking at reality, evaluating what is needed and taking responsibility. A higher self is achieved through sustained practice and decisions and rededication. It is not found like you would find a dollar on the street. A self and life is created, not found, from living well which comes from thousands of choices. And then I added: Unless you mean g-d. G-d is always there. And does not require finding, either. Just opening. I believe g-d is all of our higher selves. And I offered to give him names of books if he was interested, and mentioned I was enrolled in an online Hebrew class. You see. I keep falling in it. Any communication with him, is too much for me. I cannot bear to have it revealed how he is living and thinking. I cannot bear his reality, and that it become mine. I can see why I kept him close. However horrible it was I had the illusion that there was safety. With him away, there are no illusions at all. Just the most horrible sensation of falling. My own falling, as much or more, than his.