Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Letting go: I seem to be unable to do this.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 739494" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you very much, Ladies. Reading this is a sucker punch. Because this is exactly what hits me. The absurdity and futility of it. Thank you, Elsi.</p><p>OK, tl. This is really getting personal here. Because I cannot let go of the idea that I IMPART TRUTH. Oh. I wish I was feeling more shame here. I mean, I feel some embarrassment, but not enough.</p><p></p><p>This is part of the problem. I really really believe that I know how to live. Oh. I should be burying my head with the hubris of this. But I really believe that my son would be better off hearing my words.</p><p></p><p>The problems with this are myriad. First. He could care less. Second. That it comes from me, makes the words even more drivel. Third. Who asked? Did he ask for my counsel? Did he say one thing to give me the right to opine?</p><p></p><p>Why oh why do I not get that this is his life, not mine. His life to suffer. His life to learn.</p><p></p><p>That he triggers me, is true. What is he seeking? Just the connection? Is he reassured by this, that I am still on the line?</p><p></p><p>I do not know how to learn to accept the reality that he could care less what I think.</p><p></p><p>Or is that I believe this is my job. To spout drivel?</p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">You see, RN. Once again, I seem to be the last to know here. It is like being shot. I have never been shot, thank goodness. But I have heard that you do not know until you see the blood, or because you can't move or because some body part does not move. I knew I felt horrible, but really, I do not start thinking about it until there is a bloody gash and the blood is spurting out, and I need a transfusion. OK. Maybe this time I did not need the transfusion.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I need to have some rules in place for myself. I was weakened by hearing his voice. Maybe I need to block him. And to tell him to communicate through M. But that seems so radical and cruel. After all, he is my son and I love him. He has nobody else. It seems wrong to punish him, for my own limits. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">But the reality of things, if I face it, is that in my heart I believe that I help him. I believe that the connection serves him. And I have been willing to sacrifice myself. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">What I am only now facing, is that maybe this is a self-deception. Maybe my presence in his life since he is an adult, does not help at all. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Oh. Here I am feeling bad again. I think I will go to the dollar store.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Thank you all, very much.</span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 739494, member: 18958"] Thank you very much, Ladies. Reading this is a sucker punch. Because this is exactly what hits me. The absurdity and futility of it. Thank you, Elsi. OK, tl. This is really getting personal here. Because I cannot let go of the idea that I IMPART TRUTH. Oh. I wish I was feeling more shame here. I mean, I feel some embarrassment, but not enough. This is part of the problem. I really really believe that I know how to live. Oh. I should be burying my head with the hubris of this. But I really believe that my son would be better off hearing my words. The problems with this are myriad. First. He could care less. Second. That it comes from me, makes the words even more drivel. Third. Who asked? Did he ask for my counsel? Did he say one thing to give me the right to opine? Why oh why do I not get that this is his life, not mine. His life to suffer. His life to learn. That he triggers me, is true. What is he seeking? Just the connection? Is he reassured by this, that I am still on the line? I do not know how to learn to accept the reality that he could care less what I think. Or is that I believe this is my job. To spout drivel? [LEFT][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]You see, RN. Once again, I seem to be the last to know here. It is like being shot. I have never been shot, thank goodness. But I have heard that you do not know until you see the blood, or because you can't move or because some body part does not move. I knew I felt horrible, but really, I do not start thinking about it until there is a bloody gash and the blood is spurting out, and I need a transfusion. OK. Maybe this time I did not need the transfusion. I need to have some rules in place for myself. I was weakened by hearing his voice. Maybe I need to block him. And to tell him to communicate through M. But that seems so radical and cruel. After all, he is my son and I love him. He has nobody else. It seems wrong to punish him, for my own limits. But the reality of things, if I face it, is that in my heart I believe that I help him. I believe that the connection serves him. And I have been willing to sacrifice myself. What I am only now facing, is that maybe this is a self-deception. Maybe my presence in his life since he is an adult, does not help at all. Oh. Here I am feeling bad again. I think I will go to the dollar store. Thank you all, very much.[/COLOR][/LEFT] [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Letting go: I seem to be unable to do this.
Top