Life on repeat, or so it feels

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by WhyDoWeFallBruce?, May 19, 2020 at 6:57 AM.

  1. WhyDoWeFallBruce?

    WhyDoWeFallBruce? New Member

    Ok, so it´s been a while since I wrote something in here. Time for an update. Last year, after I told my son to move out, he moved back in with his mom. I didn´t see him for a good three months, as he was trying out new home treatment and detox. I also did not speak to his mother, as we are of very different persuasions when it comes to most things concerning our only son. Over the course of the winter, he and I have gotten together a number of times and slowly we have returned to a somewhat "normal" relationship. Still, whenever I have wanted to talk about the happenings when he lived with me, it´s been difficult, mostly for him. I assume that he has regrets but I try not to focus on that and instead build on the future. I have somehow managed to stay strong and actually not felt the need for forgiveness, neither for myself or him, as we both have done what we felt was right at the time. Well, he might not have had a concept of right or wrong at the time, but he does again now.
    Then a couple of months ago, we were out to dinner, just the two of us. And you know that feeling when you just know it? That something´s off?
    I can hear, see and smell it from kilometers away, when he is using. So naturally, my thought was: Well, here we go again, wonder how this one will turn out?
    And sure enough; a few weeks later, I had a highly drugged kid on the phone. Total relapse. So sad.

    The next thing I know, his mom is one the phone as well. Wanting to talk. We hadn´t talked in 8 months and it felt really good not to have her in my life, on any level. Now she wanted to cooperate. (???)
    Sadly it appears to be a no-go for us, as we do not have the necessary basic respect and trust, so after a couple of calls, I was back to being blamed for "kicking my son out, and leaving him to the dogs, had she not saved him". Stuff like this was common when we kept communications going, earlier on. So naturally, I had to just cut it again.
    Then I go back to the mental place, I created for myself when all this started. The place where I remind myself that I am the dad, not the bearer of my sons' life choices and responsibilities. And it works for me. To know my boundaries and sticking to them has helped me greatly. The amazing thing in this whole affair is that between him and me, there is actually a good sense of respect. And forgiveness. At least that's how I perceive it. He may do some really stupid stuff and right now it looks as if he will keep on doing that for a while. But it is HIS stuff. Not mine. And when I set that boundary, that day last year, and told him that I will not have a drug addict in my house, under ANY circumstances, I truly believe he felt it so clearly that he has no choice but to respect my integrity.
    He may not like it still and having lived most of his life with a highly codependent mother, thus having many unhealthy habits including never learned to deal with consequences, I don't blame him. I feel sad for him not looking for other ways to live.
    As I have always told him: Som, I will gladly point you in the direction. The rest is up to you.
    He knows this.
    Why am I telling you this? Well, he is now going away to treatment. 3 months in a secluded facility where he will hopefully learn new strategies and take them into his life. They work by the same principles as my own, so I support it greatly. And I will look forward to a visit.
    What has changed this time, is that he has granted me consent.
    Even though I live my life fully and get on with everything, not knowing where he is or how he is, is hard. So from now on, I can get news on his journey from the pros. And that feels really good.
     
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  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Great news.

    We had been through a lot with our son also. I agree and went further. I had little to do with my son when he was in Florida in sober living and stumbling again and again, not ready or willing to change.

    My husband dealt with him and visited him. It was all too painful for me.

    Not sure how old your son is, but YES it's HIS life and our enabling leads to bad things for all.

    Stay strong!
     
  3. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    Hi,

    You sound really strong, despite the disappointment. You are in a really healthy head space. I am glad your son is going to treatment. Will he return to his mom's house when he is out? Hopefully his new start will be without the enabling and codependent living situation with mom. I'm impressed with your boundries and continued support to teach him how to be a man when he is ready. BRAVO!
    Jmom