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LLOOONNNNGGG Night, NEED ADVICE
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<blockquote data-quote="neednewtechnique" data-source="post: 79101" data-attributes="member: 3527"><p>Well, my husband and I have been working on this together as well, however since the two of them are still working on building a relationship with one another, everyone in our house has mutually agreed that although things will be decided upon by all of us together, difficult child included, that I will be the one to deliver the news. When we finally found out we were going to take custody of her, we had a long period of scheduled visitations that took place and they were gradually increased as the time approached. Her and I, we bonded, strongly, almost IMMEDIATELY, but for the two of them, trying to patch up 12 years of a bad relationship/no relationship between them, she has had a difficult time accepting him, so we leave all the unpleasant things to me for the time being. But he is DEFINITELY still involved, and we always work things out between the three of us.</p><p></p><p>We had a talk this evening after the movie, and once we discussed the movie, we had a talk about what the consequences would be. We DID decide to go ahead with this graduated program, and it is spread out over the course of 8 weeks (so close to three months) there being 4 stages, each lasting 2 weeks provided she stays out of trouble. If she gets into trouble, we will either make her start back over at the beginning, move her back a few stages, or simply "hold" her at one certain stage longer than the original 2 weeks. </p><p></p><p>I made sure that we talked about how things should have been done differently and also made sure to explain to her the reasons why it is important for us to know where she is, who she's with, and what she's doing. After we talked about that stuff, I showed her what I called the "rough draft" of the graduated program, and she read through it and we talked about each stage and I asked her if anything jumped out at her that she had a problem with or anything that she would change. She didn't think of anything, so I told her to sleep on it, think it over and then we could discuss it again tomorrow evening. I was sure to tell her that just because she WANTS something to change, doesn't mean it will, but if she could make a good case for herself, we would be willing to consider a compromise. I also told her that at the end of the whole thing, we would sit down together again and discuss what the "normal" rules will be for what she can and can't do. I told her that she could spend some time thinking about what SHE feels she should be allowed to do, so that when the time comes for us to all talk about it, she would have input in what decisions are made. I did tell her that if she decides that there is something she would like to promote to us, she would have to tell us why she should be allowed to do whatever it is, and would have to find ways to convince us that she could be trusted in those situations and ways to prove that she can handle those situations responsibly.</p><p></p><p>There were not fights, no temper tantrums, she agreed that she thought this would HELP her get used to having rules and she added something else too, she said she thought it would give her some time to learn how to set boundaries for herself so that she can be mature enough to have her own set of rules for herself that "fall within our boundaries, of course" she said...lol it was kinda nice to get through this without a meltdown, for me OR for her, and she will not spend the entire 8 weeks locked up either, and this is important, because simply grounding them and then saying, okay it's over, go back to normal... that doesn't help anything. You can ONLY be sure they won't make the same mistakes again if you are giving them a chance to be in situations where they have to make the choice. With additional monitoring, it will help them be accountable to make the RIGHT choices, and watching so closely will help ensure their safety AND your quick intervention if they DO make the wrong choice.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="neednewtechnique, post: 79101, member: 3527"] Well, my husband and I have been working on this together as well, however since the two of them are still working on building a relationship with one another, everyone in our house has mutually agreed that although things will be decided upon by all of us together, difficult child included, that I will be the one to deliver the news. When we finally found out we were going to take custody of her, we had a long period of scheduled visitations that took place and they were gradually increased as the time approached. Her and I, we bonded, strongly, almost IMMEDIATELY, but for the two of them, trying to patch up 12 years of a bad relationship/no relationship between them, she has had a difficult time accepting him, so we leave all the unpleasant things to me for the time being. But he is DEFINITELY still involved, and we always work things out between the three of us. We had a talk this evening after the movie, and once we discussed the movie, we had a talk about what the consequences would be. We DID decide to go ahead with this graduated program, and it is spread out over the course of 8 weeks (so close to three months) there being 4 stages, each lasting 2 weeks provided she stays out of trouble. If she gets into trouble, we will either make her start back over at the beginning, move her back a few stages, or simply "hold" her at one certain stage longer than the original 2 weeks. I made sure that we talked about how things should have been done differently and also made sure to explain to her the reasons why it is important for us to know where she is, who she's with, and what she's doing. After we talked about that stuff, I showed her what I called the "rough draft" of the graduated program, and she read through it and we talked about each stage and I asked her if anything jumped out at her that she had a problem with or anything that she would change. She didn't think of anything, so I told her to sleep on it, think it over and then we could discuss it again tomorrow evening. I was sure to tell her that just because she WANTS something to change, doesn't mean it will, but if she could make a good case for herself, we would be willing to consider a compromise. I also told her that at the end of the whole thing, we would sit down together again and discuss what the "normal" rules will be for what she can and can't do. I told her that she could spend some time thinking about what SHE feels she should be allowed to do, so that when the time comes for us to all talk about it, she would have input in what decisions are made. I did tell her that if she decides that there is something she would like to promote to us, she would have to tell us why she should be allowed to do whatever it is, and would have to find ways to convince us that she could be trusted in those situations and ways to prove that she can handle those situations responsibly. There were not fights, no temper tantrums, she agreed that she thought this would HELP her get used to having rules and she added something else too, she said she thought it would give her some time to learn how to set boundaries for herself so that she can be mature enough to have her own set of rules for herself that "fall within our boundaries, of course" she said...lol it was kinda nice to get through this without a meltdown, for me OR for her, and she will not spend the entire 8 weeks locked up either, and this is important, because simply grounding them and then saying, okay it's over, go back to normal... that doesn't help anything. You can ONLY be sure they won't make the same mistakes again if you are giving them a chance to be in situations where they have to make the choice. With additional monitoring, it will help them be accountable to make the RIGHT choices, and watching so closely will help ensure their safety AND your quick intervention if they DO make the wrong choice. [/QUOTE]
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