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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 650885" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>MJ, I wanted exactly what you did...for my kids to see a normal family. The problem was, even though I no longer loved their father and he hadn't been that nice to me or the kids, they still loved him. So after my husband and I moved in together and then got married, the kids were stand-offish and slow to accept him or us and my Difficult Child was vocal about, "You should still be with Dad." They never really benefited from our marriage because they felt badly for their father. I don't know that we can undo what happened in cases like ours. If Itty Bitty still loves her father, regardless of how much of a frog he is, then probably nobody else is going to win her over or take his place in her eyes. Don't marry just because of that. It should be for yourself, with a mindful understanding that the kids will need time to adjust. In our house, my husband and I talked about it early and often and decided that he would NOT take on an authority role...he'd leave that strictly to me and my ex. That worked better than when he tried to discipline them and heard, "Why should I listen to you? You're not my dad."</p><p></p><p>We did adopt two children of our own and they benefited MASSIVELY from seeing a stable home and loving parents. They both feel they had a stellar childhood, unlike my older kids feel. They are both well adjusted young people. But the kids I already had think of my husband as Tom, their stepfather because they already have a father. They like him, but he isn't a father to them. My younger daughter thinks her father, my husband, hung the moon and he feels the same way. My autistic spectrum son has had a wonderful life and tells us how much he loves us all the time. But my older kids? When they see my husband, they just shake hands or smile and chat. It's like I lived in two families. It's weird...lol.</p><p></p><p>Just sharing my experience. Yours could be different. No two situations are the same.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 650885, member: 1550"] MJ, I wanted exactly what you did...for my kids to see a normal family. The problem was, even though I no longer loved their father and he hadn't been that nice to me or the kids, they still loved him. So after my husband and I moved in together and then got married, the kids were stand-offish and slow to accept him or us and my Difficult Child was vocal about, "You should still be with Dad." They never really benefited from our marriage because they felt badly for their father. I don't know that we can undo what happened in cases like ours. If Itty Bitty still loves her father, regardless of how much of a frog he is, then probably nobody else is going to win her over or take his place in her eyes. Don't marry just because of that. It should be for yourself, with a mindful understanding that the kids will need time to adjust. In our house, my husband and I talked about it early and often and decided that he would NOT take on an authority role...he'd leave that strictly to me and my ex. That worked better than when he tried to discipline them and heard, "Why should I listen to you? You're not my dad." We did adopt two children of our own and they benefited MASSIVELY from seeing a stable home and loving parents. They both feel they had a stellar childhood, unlike my older kids feel. They are both well adjusted young people. But the kids I already had think of my husband as Tom, their stepfather because they already have a father. They like him, but he isn't a father to them. My younger daughter thinks her father, my husband, hung the moon and he feels the same way. My autistic spectrum son has had a wonderful life and tells us how much he loves us all the time. But my older kids? When they see my husband, they just shake hands or smile and chat. It's like I lived in two families. It's weird...lol. Just sharing my experience. Yours could be different. No two situations are the same. [/QUOTE]
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