Looking for feedback

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ML, Aug 10, 2008.

  1. ML

    ML Guest

    Ok, I really need to journal about some things and would appreciate your thoughts.

    Annoying on Purpose: Do they all do this? The constant demands for attention gets tiring. You can't just pretend to listen with this kid because if he senses he's lost you, he'll quiz you. For instance: what did I just say mom? Also the obnoxious behavior, the in your face pester pester pester gets old.

    The separation anxiety: How long will this last? He is almost 10 now and still gets uncomfortable if he's alone on one level of the house. If we try to talk about it with therapist he denies it.

    The constant bombardment with questions. Kind of like when they're 4 and no matter how many times you answer there is another "but why"; the what ifs ad nausem (sp).

    The power eating. I believe this is sensory related. He's become a food addict and he's visibly overweight. He's still 9 and wears a 12 huskey. Since he's someone who is overly concerned about others noticing him it will be quite difficult for him when they start teasing him. I'm trying to get firm on the eating only at the table but I had gotten into bad and lazy habits and boy are they hard to change. It wouldn't be so bad if he got more exercise but getting him outdoors isn't easy unless one of his friends comes over.

    There was an enlightening moment this week. He told me "mom, I'm very sensitive, I'm so sensitive that when people raise their voices just a little with me it feels like they're yelling at me and it makes me sad". I'm trying to use that to explain to him that his overreactions to things might be related. I don't say it like that of course but I'm trying to help him take some responsibility for his feelings. He gets mad at me for the slightest infraction whether perceived or real. Of course they are real to him.

    So I guess what I want to know is, are these within "normal" gfgness. Are these typical? Can anyone else relate? Any suggestions, etc.

    Thanks for any insights or affirmation.

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nothng about our difficult child's are normal...lol. It's VERY normal for Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD).
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I like the way he expressed how he feels when you raise your voice.
    I wish I'd been able to tell my mom that. :(

    Being afraid to be alone on one level of the house ... that sounds like my difficult child. He outgrew it just last yr. Give it one more yr. Or two. :) Unfortunately, mine exchanged the fear of being alone, for the need for secrecy to do things he wasn't supposed to be doing. :) Be careful what you wish for.

    The weight ... Portion control is important. Not having junk food snacks around is important. I've been cooking up a storm because of my difficult child's dietary issues, and although I hate to cook, I hate yelling at him even more, so this way, I can have "Good" food just sitting around all the time. He'll wander through the kitchen and reach for something mindlessly, while I'm cheering "Woo hoo!" in my head.
    Exercise is important. I don't know about your difficult child, but mine does not like doing things alone. I feel like we're attached at the ribs. He literally drags me around. So if I want him to exercise, I go outside and walk with-him, or take him ice skating, or find someone he can ride his bike with, or pay him to pick up pinecones and branches.

    Would your son react well to a small payment to go outside and do chores? Just a thought.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Annoying on Purpose - YES!!! It just blew me away when difficult child was about 5 years old and his 11 yr old sister had a friend coming over. "Oh good, now I get to bug them!" I never heard of a planned annoyance, I just thought is "happened". He does admit to being annoying on purpose at times.

    Separation Anxiety - A SW once tried to scold me because I was difficult child's answer to find help to feel better. Scared? Mom will help Sick? Mom will help YES!!! I do understand this one. And I suppose I made it worse because instead of recognizing it for what it was, I was enjoying his company everywhere we went.

    Constant Bombardment - Does nagging to learn car models count? Mom, tell me what each car is that comes toward us. It is easy - look for the symbol on the front of the car. I will NEVER learn makes of vehicles so I can expect more bombardments.

    Power Eating - Not really - I think he must be in a growth spurt though - always hungry - He is starting to understand that he does need fruit and veggies to feel healthy. Actually, he has the opposite challenge - I think he is underweight. Oh to be so skinny!!! Sure doesn't get it from ME - but is a lot like my dad.

    Sensitive - Oh YES!!! Teachers don't even have to raise their voice and difficult child thinks he is being yelled at or they are mad at him.

    So, 4 out of 5, Yep, NORMAL!!!! :)

  5. ML

    ML Guest

    Adrianne, I sort of made the same mistake. I love him so much that part of me enjoys our closeness. But I try to consiously detatch and encourage his independence as much as possible. Thanks for sharing that part because it made me think.
  6. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey! When did my difficult child 1 move in with you and why didn't I notice?

    A lot of these are very common! Does he get Occupational Therapist (OT) for the sensory stuff? We've gotten so aggravated at times with the refusal to get stuff from upstairs, or to go up and take a shower, etc. unless there's someone up there. He's truly afraid of going up alone.

    Now, that being said: I was CONVINCED that vampires lived under my Dad's basement steps (you know, the wooden kind that have no backs to them) and that they were going to reach through the steps, grab my ankles and make me fall down the stairs. I'm 44 years old and still run down that flight of stairs! :redface:

  7. ML

    ML Guest

    lol! Thanks nvts. Is it too late for Occupational Therapist (OT)? I mean is he too old now? He will be 10 at the end of September.

    I appreciate the feedback so much!

  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, I have read all of these complaints with a difficult child. Mine does them all to the extreme. A easy child can have one or two or do all of these, but it is usually not excessive or extreme with them.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    ML, you said, "Are these typical? Can anyone else relate?"

    Yep. To both.

    It's not deliberate. At least, it's not designed to annoy. He's looking for constant reassurance probably because he is also anxious, about a lot of things, a lot of the time. And it's YOUR job, mum, to stop me from being so anxious! That's what mothers are for, isn't it?

    You need to shut off any connection in your mind between his age, and what you think he should be able to do. Forget the "At his age he shouldn't still need this."

    He does. That's how it is. You can't force a brain to mature faster than it can go. His brain is going to be slower tan most. But don't panic - he will continue to improve even after others are adults and considered a finished product. Our kids continue to change and grow, well into adulthood.

    Don't try to work on too much at once. Also, don't work on things that simply don't improve even with persistent work. He may not be ready. You may need to find other, more novel, ways to cope in the meantime. For example, difficult child 1 still functions best with written lists. I still need to help him with his paperwork. His fiancee is trying to help him with these things but in reality, she will have to do things for him for a while yet, after they marry. I suspect they will both need help for a few years. I just hope she can hang in there. difficult child 1 is an odd mix of mature, wonderful young man and dependent child. But legally he's an adult, he earns a wage and he has chosen to get married. It's scary.

  10. tonime

    tonime toni

    OMG! Yes, I totally relate! My son is 11- yes he can be annoying-seeming on purpose-
    power eating-- I "hid" the peanut butter jar in my house! We are trying to work with him and monitor his eating--he also inhales his food- not overweight yet- but I don't want him to develp bad habits.
    As for anxiety YUP-- I practically have to bribe him to take a shower upstairs by himself-- but now he does. He also has a fear of "drains" in pools. He wouldn't go off a diving board for years cause of the drains at the bottom of the pool.
    HOWEVER, I think many of these "fears" and anxieties are part of normal childhood. My 26 year old niece made me feel better when she totally related to the shower thing, telling me it was the same for her when she was a kid.
    I also try to help him face his fears--he eventually went off the diving board- and now showers upstairs. When he first did the shower thing he would sing real loud (kind of cute) I guess as a coping mechanism-- then he even stopped that.

    Day by day little by little they get there.
  11. rob#30

    rob#30 hangin in there

    Hi everybody. Wow, what a description of my difficult child!! Wont go upstairs by himself, will NOT take a shower if no one is home. And questions!!!??? I get phone calls all day at work asking me things like, " is the baby right handed or left handed?" "Did you ever notice that I have a lot of pairs of socks?" "what time will you be home?" (I get home every single day at the same time!) His room & my easy child's room are on the second floor of the house. If easy child is not home (which is quite often this summer) difficult child CAN NOT sleep upstairs in his room. If I make him, he roams the house until morning constantly coming in my room to tell me hes scared & cant sleep. He power eats as well but I actually dont have a problem with that at this point. He is 12 (13 in DEC) and he only weighs 90 lbs. I want him to keep eating all that peanutbutter!! Hang in there everybody!! Our truly special difficult child's will only make us stronger!
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Ohhhhh honey.

    While I can't relate to the separation anxiety on the same level as you, I can relate differently. Tink is very independent. I have said from the time she was 2 or 3, that is she were stranded on a desert island alone, she'd be fine for months. BUT, when she and I are home together, she wants me involved in EVERYTHING. Watch me play video games. Watch me practice cheerleading. Watch me write. Play Barbies with me. And if I am not feeling well, it's can I play with someone. From daybreak until the second she goes to sleep, she needs to be entertained.

    The annoying thing? GAWD it drives me batty. But why? But WHY? But MOOOMMM WHYYYYY? I have to walk away to avoid getting sucked into an argument. It does not matter how many times I explain things to her, if she does not like the answer, she will badger me until I snap. So I now tell her once and leave.

    You have my empathies. Really really.
  13. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    It's not too late for Occupational Therapist (OT). Does he have an IEP at school? If so, you just have to re-open the case and request it. I've found that it always helps to have a doctors prescription/note when I re-open for something like this. It just seems to add validity around here! If done well, Occupational Therapist (OT) can really make a difference with some of the sensory issues!


  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Annoying on purpose: check (I get quizzed, too. :rolleyes:)

    Separation Anxiety: check (although not as severe anymore)

    Constant questions: check

    Power eating: check (difficult child is not overweight, but that's only because I'm convinced that she has a hollow leg. She's ALWAYS been this way.)

    Sensitive to perceived yelling: check, check, check
  15. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Annoying on purpose? Oh, yeah.

    Separation anxiety? Similar to what BBK said. I had an annoying little person velcroed to my butt.

    Constant questions? I still get them and she'll be 17 on Sunday.

    Power eating? Only when she was getting ready to outgrow every article of clothing she owned.

    Sensitive to perceived yelling? Yup. Also thinks people are mean on purpose.
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    A suggestion on the questions - I try to work with difficult child 3 in learning to find his own answers. husband & I have done this with our other kids too. Our theory is, a kid who asks questions has an enquiring mind and this needs to be nurtured. But an enquiring mind that doesn't know how to look for his own answers is a kid who can be both frustrating and frustrated.

    So for example, looking at the questions here as examples:

    Q: Is the baby left or right handed?
    A: I don't know, I think it's too soon to tell. But we can look it up on the Internet. Here, let's do an experiment. Pick up a toy and see which hand the baby uses to reach out. But remember, the baby could be using either hand equally for a while, he mightn't show any preference until he's older.

    Q: What time will you be home?
    A: Let's look at the evidence you already have. What is your past experience on when I get home? Can you recall? Yes? What time did I get home yesterday? What about the day before? So from this information, what assumptions can you make about when you think I might get home today? OK, now you can test your hypothesis - watch the clock this afternoon and see if you can note how close to your expected time that I get back today.

    This method works in multiple ways.

    First, it teaches the child to do a bit of thinking instead of just blindly asking questions in order to be spoon-fed the answers. If you always have an answer (even if it's "For Pete's sake, stop asking questions!") then the answers will not be valued, and therefore not paid attention to properly. he can always ask you again. And again.

    Second, the child learns that in a lot of cases, he already HAS the answers and that can be reassuring. For a while he will want answers from you so he can verify that your answers match his. During this phase he is likely to get MORE argumentative - put up with it, it is a necessary phase. But do not go back to making your answers always too easy.

    Third - it encourages the child to use that enquiring mind more appropriately and to learn good investigation/research skills. This will be VERY useful later on with schoolwork, homework, work in general. Life in general. The child will learn that sometimes the answers aren't easy or immediate FOR ANYONE and that this is normal and OK. There's no need to panic just because there is no certainty.

    This can take years, but it works. It has certainly worked for us. And I really wish someone had done tis for me, instead of either not answering at all, or giving me silly answers which misled me and also taught me that my questions were worthless.

    Questions are never worthless. They can be very annoying but they are also a sign that the person for whatever reason wants information. If the person actually already has that information inside them, then helping them to access that information will do them a great service as well as eventually ease your burden.

  17. ML

    ML Guest

    Awesome questions! I am going to use these!! Thank you. This will be so empowering for the manster.

    I often use the "I don't know let's google it" :) Years ago moms didn't have that one.
  18. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Yes! Yes! Yes!
    The only thing that K does is just like BBK said. She has never cared when or if she was away from husband or I. Just recently she is starting to have some anxiety about change or being scared about a new situation. She is also starting to compulsively lie! I try real hard not to get upset. I am trying to reward the times when she tells me the truth.
    Sounds like "typical" difficult child behaviors. BLEGH!
  19. Marg's Man

    Marg's Man Member

    A wise person knows much; a truly wise person knows what they DON'T know.

    Encourage everyone to seek their own answers to all questions and to verify those answers.

    An Australian phone company has had one of the most successful recent campaigns for internet access plans based on a young kid asking his father "Why did they build the Great Wall?". Dad, not willing to admit he doesn't know, says that it was to keep the rabbits out. The advert goes on to say that if he had internet access he could have looked up the true answer.

    As a parent you can be a facilitator as a well as a source of all knowledge but never be afraid to admit that you don't know the answer.

    Marg's Man