Looking for support

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by marthacat, Mar 23, 2017.

  1. marthacat

    marthacat New Member

    My 20 yo daughter has struggled with depression, anxiety, and anger for the past three years. She is currently attending school and has her own apartment that I pay for. I believe she skips a lot of classes and she is not working, she promised she would get a job when school started in January but has not. She stopped seeing a therapist and refuses to take medication. When I see her she is usually sad or angry, and its never clear why or its something like "everyone hates me." She will eat a meal and then immediately says she feels sick. She will not get a physical to find out if something is wrong. She has few friends but does have a boyfriend, he is supportive of her issues (and has similar ones) but I dont see their relationship lasting much longer as they fight often and it is making him miss work. She also makes threats that if he doesnt come over, she might not be there any longer, etc. I feel sorry for him and and his family as they deal with her issues more than I now, since she is fairly far away. I continually try to make appointments for her but she will not go. When she is having an especially bad time she will call me screaming and crying, and it always turns into rage against me, I never support her, I am against her, etc. probably because I always suggest that she get help. Every time she calls I feel like I am having a heart attack, literally. It is getting worse, I cannot concentrate on work. I have another child and when she was still at home, our lives were a living hell. I am proud of her, that she was able to get it together to go off to school but part of me feels guilty that I am so glad she is out of the house. I realize she is an adult and I cant make her do anything. And that I am enabling her by paying for everything. I want to make a change. I feel like I need to give her a date that she needs to get a job, see a therapist, and see a doctor or I will not pay for anything anymore. I know if I do this she is going to go ballistic, will threaten to kill herself, will accuse me of hating her, etc. But I also feel like if I dont do it, things are just going to keep going as they have been and nothing will improve. Has anyone done this? If so how did you do it? I feel like maybe an email would be best so that it is all spelled out for her. If I talk to her she will only hang up or leave if I'm there in person. Maybe an email is the cowards way out. Any advice is appreciated.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would do it in a public place, like a coffee shop or library so she cant explode. Write it out. Stick to your guns. If she threatens suicide hang up and call 911 right away. I never mess with suicide threats. Expect her to ramp it up and say horrible things to you when you set limits because, hey, she doesnt want to work or go for trearltment but she still wants you to pay for everything. But life isnt ike that. She isnt a child anymore and you are now her mother...not her mommy.

    You cant force her to change, but you can set boundaries. "I will do this IF you do that or I wont. Deal is off,"

    That way she is the one deciding if you help her out. She knows her part of the contract in order to get your financial help. She has to work and help pay her bills and go for help to address her issues. Otherwise, you dont help her. And you and her both have a copy of this contract (spell it out on paper).

    Yes, she will be horrible. They all are. The grown kids who bring us here feel very entitled and think childishly and expect us to pay their way indefinitely. But we dont help them if we do that. We need to let them be angry, and we cant give in to manipulations.

    I wish you luck. Do not ignore your own needs. You need to be very good to you!
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2017
  3. marthacat

    marthacat New Member

    Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. Its weird that support from a stranger would mean so much but it does. My family just does not understand any of this and why I cannot get control of the situation, and that makes it worse. My sister in particular is almost mad at me, she feels that I need to make my daughter come home but I keep telling her, I have no way to do that. I am hanging on your words that "she is the one deciding." I am giving my daughter a choice to make here. I hope she sees that. thankyou!
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am thinking you can tell her, in that crowded coffee shop or library, "i know you are legally an adult now and that you can do whatever you like. As two adults, i wrote a contract that we can both sign in order for things to say the same as far as financial support."

    At this point she may burst into tears, wave her finger at you, call you nsmes etc. You are going to set conditions that she doesnt like and she will probaly exploxe like a toddler who is denied a cookie right before lunch. Our kids who bring us here often resemble adult toddlers. If she does this, tell her the money deal is off until she can sit with you like an adult and sign the terms of the contract, even if thats another day or never. Before she leaves CALMLY say, "Then you are choosing to be on your own. Thats not a bad thing." And its not.

    Yes, she will be abusive and hateful. Leave a contract and leave. Any time she is abusive help her grow up by refusing to listen to her toddler meltdowns. Say "i love you but I will talk/text when you are calm." End it.

    This is what I did about verbal abuse. For me,with persistance, it worked.

    Also please dont look at her social media. Often they get hateful toward us on social media or lie on it so why even bother? It hurts you and doesnt help her. It often doesnt give a true picture of how she is doing either. Its a show. Often its a show to abuse you or scare you.

    Hugs and keep posting.
     
  5. marthacat

    marthacat New Member

    Well she took it surprisingly well, almost to the point that i wasnt sure that she understood it. But she asked questions, like "will you not pay my rent?' so I think we were on the same page. But only two weeks to go and she hasnt done anything in terms of applying for jobs or making dr appointments. It is pretty much guaranteed that she will not meet the terms of it. Her boyfriend broke up with her over her rage/anger so she doesnt even have that support any longer. I am sick about what is going to happen next, but have to stay strong. What is it going to take to get her to get some help?
     
  6. Dskeem

    Dskeem New Member

    I am sorry your daughter is forcing you to cut her off if she doesn't follow the terms of the contract. No mom should have to endure the pain of watching their child destroy their lives. I have a 24 year old son who can't see to comprehend that his actions and choices are what has caused him to have no place to live. He blames everyone else for having to break the law to survive on the streets and knows exactly how to manipulate and bully me until I give in to his commands. I have been working so hard on learning to set boundaries and I do real good for a long time and then boom he sucks me right back in to his chaos. I am a single mom with my 17 yr old daughter at home. She is still in high school and is a great kid who never gets in trouble. We have a nice calm life until my son is around. I don't have support other than my counselor really because he has burnt to many bridges. I hate being mean to anyone much less my own child but he forces me to have to be mean. I'm told that it's not being mean to set boundaries but to me it feels mean and that hurts me. I pray he gets help before I have to tell him he can no longer be in my life. I realize that it is him who is choosing to live the lifestyle he lives the problem is that he believes he has no other choice and takes no responsibility for his actions. I am sad and angry. He needs help but I can't help him only God can.
     
  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    If she's never been to therapy it might help. She doesn't like feeling this way. She sounds miserable, needy, afraid, depressed, and like she might have some social anxiety problems. If she wants to learn how to cope with these feelings, she has to at least try therapy.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Almost everyne has issues. Few dont.

    Most dont use meth because of them. The biggest problem then becomes the addiction.