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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 668686" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Welcome to the forum, Kalahou. We are glad you are here and posting. We understand, but you already know that. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>In reading your post, one of the questions that came to my mind is how was he in high school and during those years of late teens into early to mid-20s? You said you encouraged him to move out and live with friends, which is usually a good step into being more self-sufficient. Did you have any signs that he wasn't functioning well at that time?</p><p></p><p>Then, from your post, it sounds like his functionality has decreased over the years (divorce, etc.) and now, after moving back into your home, he has regressed even more.</p><p></p><p>Like Feeling Sad said, it could be drug or alcohol addiction or another mental illness. Addiction is classified as a mental illness, which to me was important to know.</p><p></p><p>You can read my story in many posts on this forum over the past two years. My son's "issues" began in high school but it was just a teenage boy not doing what he was supposed to do, i.e., study, get good grades, turn in homework. He played soccer all four years, went to school, passed his classes (not that hard, admittedly) and had friends. He never had a girlfriend until after high school. He was kind of shy or either the class clown (extremes) and looking back, was anxious. He hated to be noticed. But all in all, he was functional, worked part time, went to church with us, etc. I could never have predicted the future---how awful it came to be with him---from those years.</p><p></p><p>After high school, he went directly to college, and at the end of the first semester that's when I realized things were more than just troubling. He basically flunked every class. His substance abuse was escalating dramatically (later learned a lot from his girlfriend, who had been a friend in high school), but I had no clue. No clue at all. He had jobs but was getting fired over and over again. The decline occurred over another year or so, then he was on the street, and there were years of homelessness, rehabs, jail. </p><p></p><p>I kicked him out for the last time before the sharp decline onto his life on the street. There were many nights I lay awake wondering if my kicking him out caused it, or triggered it, or something. </p><p></p><p>There was no getting through to him. I tried everything, over and over again. Finally, he was out of here.</p><p></p><p>My son regressed while he lived at home. Today, when he comes over to visit (after 16 months of continuing positive behavior and change) he regresses back to about a 15 year old boy. </p><p></p><p>I believe "home" is a very bad place for him. He wants to hide and hibernate and as we all know, that isn't life. That doesn't work. </p><p></p><p>Over this time, I came to believe that I was also a negative connection for him, as his mother. He wanted me to handle everything, solve everything, and basically he would sit and do absolutely nothing until I would cave in, again and again and again. I taught him that. It has taken years for me to stand firm and for him to unlearn that behavior. You wouldn't believe the lengths he would go, to make me go back to my old behaviors. One time he texted me nearly 300 times in a single day...just ... and ???, trying to get me to respond, after I told him I was finished with the conversation. </p><p></p><p>I taught him that if he would just keep on, I would cave. As my husband says (this was pivotal for me, and still continues to be): It took him a long time to walk into the forest. It's going to take that same long time for him to walk out of it.</p><p></p><p>Over time, I came to believe that for him to begin to develop any self-sufficiency or self-respect, he was going to have to be on his own. I was going to have to be far removed from him. We never completely cut off communication, but I had to set very firm boundaries for a long time and stick to them. It was truly the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, and it went against every bit of what I felt and wanted to do. </p><p></p><p>If your son is functional (not psychotic and knows reality), is it time for him to start taking responsibility for his own life? </p><p></p><p>In my situation, talking and consequences and crying and pleading and reasoning and begging and professional help and doctors appointments and helping him get jobs and waking him up in the mornings because he couldn't do it himself...on and on and on...none of it made one bit of difference. Not one bit. This went on for years, because I was convinced if I just tried harder with him, he would change. </p><p></p><p>I put all of my time and energy and resources (and I am one persistent person) into getting him straightened out. </p><p></p><p>Nothing worked.</p><p></p><p>Finally...I had to change. I had to learn new and different ways of thinking and behaving. My feelings didn't change, and that was the hardest part...living with my own feelings of guilt and shame and need and love and FEAR (the strongest one) and not reacting, not giving in, to those feelings. I had to learn how to do this over time as this is 100 percent against a mother's love and behavior. It is completely counter-intuitive and it goes against culture as well. It is a lonely road.</p><p></p><p>Over time, I came to believe that this was my only chance to survive and his only chance to survive. But no guarantee, and for years there was no change in him, even after I started to change. In fact, he went down further.</p><p></p><p>I tell you all of this...my story...as one example of one person's trajectory in this awful experience of dealing with DCs. There may be some things here that resonate with you...or not.</p><p></p><p>Today my son is 26 years old. He works full time as an electrician's helper. He lives in a two-bedroom trailer about five miles from me. He has a car with 280,000 miles on it. He pays his own bills, and over the past 16 months has moved up in hourly rate from minimum wage at McDonald's to $13 an hour. He can just about live on that. He has paid off his county probation and is finished with that. He is still paying his state probation and has 2.5 years still left on state probation from two felonies for selling drugs. He is talking about furthering his training and becoming an electrician. I am very hopeful but I work hard every day to stay out of his details and let him live his life on his own terms.</p><p></p><p>It's not pretty and perfect and it certainly isn't the Cinderella story I dreamed of for my precious red-headed, freckle faced little boy who is smart as a whip and has a smile that lights up a room. </p><p></p><p>I never could have imagined the horror story of the past 7 years, thankfully.</p><p></p><p>Please continue sharing with us. You will find support, care, encouragement and ideas here. We will support you, regardless of what you decide to do or not. We can't know your whole story from one or two or even 20 posts. We know it's complicated, and in the end, you can only do what you can live with.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs this morning, and again, welcome.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 668686, member: 17542"] Welcome to the forum, Kalahou. We are glad you are here and posting. We understand, but you already know that. In reading your post, one of the questions that came to my mind is how was he in high school and during those years of late teens into early to mid-20s? You said you encouraged him to move out and live with friends, which is usually a good step into being more self-sufficient. Did you have any signs that he wasn't functioning well at that time? Then, from your post, it sounds like his functionality has decreased over the years (divorce, etc.) and now, after moving back into your home, he has regressed even more. Like Feeling Sad said, it could be drug or alcohol addiction or another mental illness. Addiction is classified as a mental illness, which to me was important to know. You can read my story in many posts on this forum over the past two years. My son's "issues" began in high school but it was just a teenage boy not doing what he was supposed to do, i.e., study, get good grades, turn in homework. He played soccer all four years, went to school, passed his classes (not that hard, admittedly) and had friends. He never had a girlfriend until after high school. He was kind of shy or either the class clown (extremes) and looking back, was anxious. He hated to be noticed. But all in all, he was functional, worked part time, went to church with us, etc. I could never have predicted the future---how awful it came to be with him---from those years. After high school, he went directly to college, and at the end of the first semester that's when I realized things were more than just troubling. He basically flunked every class. His substance abuse was escalating dramatically (later learned a lot from his girlfriend, who had been a friend in high school), but I had no clue. No clue at all. He had jobs but was getting fired over and over again. The decline occurred over another year or so, then he was on the street, and there were years of homelessness, rehabs, jail. I kicked him out for the last time before the sharp decline onto his life on the street. There were many nights I lay awake wondering if my kicking him out caused it, or triggered it, or something. There was no getting through to him. I tried everything, over and over again. Finally, he was out of here. My son regressed while he lived at home. Today, when he comes over to visit (after 16 months of continuing positive behavior and change) he regresses back to about a 15 year old boy. I believe "home" is a very bad place for him. He wants to hide and hibernate and as we all know, that isn't life. That doesn't work. Over this time, I came to believe that I was also a negative connection for him, as his mother. He wanted me to handle everything, solve everything, and basically he would sit and do absolutely nothing until I would cave in, again and again and again. I taught him that. It has taken years for me to stand firm and for him to unlearn that behavior. You wouldn't believe the lengths he would go, to make me go back to my old behaviors. One time he texted me nearly 300 times in a single day...just ... and ???, trying to get me to respond, after I told him I was finished with the conversation. I taught him that if he would just keep on, I would cave. As my husband says (this was pivotal for me, and still continues to be): It took him a long time to walk into the forest. It's going to take that same long time for him to walk out of it. Over time, I came to believe that for him to begin to develop any self-sufficiency or self-respect, he was going to have to be on his own. I was going to have to be far removed from him. We never completely cut off communication, but I had to set very firm boundaries for a long time and stick to them. It was truly the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, and it went against every bit of what I felt and wanted to do. If your son is functional (not psychotic and knows reality), is it time for him to start taking responsibility for his own life? In my situation, talking and consequences and crying and pleading and reasoning and begging and professional help and doctors appointments and helping him get jobs and waking him up in the mornings because he couldn't do it himself...on and on and on...none of it made one bit of difference. Not one bit. This went on for years, because I was convinced if I just tried harder with him, he would change. I put all of my time and energy and resources (and I am one persistent person) into getting him straightened out. Nothing worked. Finally...I had to change. I had to learn new and different ways of thinking and behaving. My feelings didn't change, and that was the hardest part...living with my own feelings of guilt and shame and need and love and FEAR (the strongest one) and not reacting, not giving in, to those feelings. I had to learn how to do this over time as this is 100 percent against a mother's love and behavior. It is completely counter-intuitive and it goes against culture as well. It is a lonely road. Over time, I came to believe that this was my only chance to survive and his only chance to survive. But no guarantee, and for years there was no change in him, even after I started to change. In fact, he went down further. I tell you all of this...my story...as one example of one person's trajectory in this awful experience of dealing with DCs. There may be some things here that resonate with you...or not. Today my son is 26 years old. He works full time as an electrician's helper. He lives in a two-bedroom trailer about five miles from me. He has a car with 280,000 miles on it. He pays his own bills, and over the past 16 months has moved up in hourly rate from minimum wage at McDonald's to $13 an hour. He can just about live on that. He has paid off his county probation and is finished with that. He is still paying his state probation and has 2.5 years still left on state probation from two felonies for selling drugs. He is talking about furthering his training and becoming an electrician. I am very hopeful but I work hard every day to stay out of his details and let him live his life on his own terms. It's not pretty and perfect and it certainly isn't the Cinderella story I dreamed of for my precious red-headed, freckle faced little boy who is smart as a whip and has a smile that lights up a room. I never could have imagined the horror story of the past 7 years, thankfully. Please continue sharing with us. You will find support, care, encouragement and ideas here. We will support you, regardless of what you decide to do or not. We can't know your whole story from one or two or even 20 posts. We know it's complicated, and in the end, you can only do what you can live with. Warm hugs this morning, and again, welcome. [/QUOTE]
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