Hello, This is my first time to post here. Sorry it is such a long post. I have been visiting regularly the past weeks, and feel as if you are supportive friends. I respect your wisdom and courage. You have been more beneficial than any therapist in many ways. From reading and processing various responses to other posts, I gained strength to enable myself to detach from a lot of emotion and guilt in my own situation, and to release my need for responsibility to fix my adult son’s life. For me, this was a huge start towards taking necessary action. Thank you for your sympathy, interest, and assistance to all in this forum family. I’m hoping from your experience, you might offer some comments on my situation. I feel my 36 year old adult son is just about lost to us, although not fully estranged, but losing ground quickly. We do not know him anymore. He has always lived in our city not far from us. But, looking back, I realize he has basically grown away from us for the last 15 years. A little background. … In his early 20s, we encouraged him living with friends as a way to develop independence. He kept periodically in touch and always contacted us and returned calls and messages with quick answers (usually one sentence texting), although never shared much of his doings. He then was married for 8+ years (2 grandchildren), and during this time, we tried to support and encourage the family, but again no real communication of the problems they were having. They seemed to distance themselves and their financial, legal, and relationship problems. During this time, I observed my son getting more lazy, non-responsive, losing jobs, getting pages of traffic violations, always taking a victim role as to why his wife was vindictive against him. But he was regularly responsive to us when we wanted to talk or meet. (more on this later) Now he is divorced, and he has been living back at home with husband and myself the last 18 months. We wanted to give him every opportunity to get back on track after his divorce trauma, (although I’m now seeing that it was his self-destructive traits that probably contributed much to the divorce.) In the past 18 months, he’s had a comfortable room at our house, separate entrance, bathroom, utilities, etc. Initially it was thought only to be a temporary situation, as we wanted to be supportive and encouraging, to make it easier for him to take necessary steps to make changes, and to remove some obstacles in order for him to resolve issues and get his life in order, to grow in responsibility and success. We now realize over the last 18 months, since we have seen no changes, no progress, no commitments from the support we have offered, (in fact, more financial and legal setbacks continue to regularly reoccur until now), it is obvious that our help merely enabling. He has not had a job for 2+ years (except here and there “under the table” days), sleeps entire days and nights for a week at a time, has no driver license, but still drives and continues to get citations, has some shoplifting charges. It’s obvious to husband and me that he does not want to live in our house, or interact with us and others in our family. I think he might like to work, but is fearful of getting a job, and probably cannot get a job with his citations and record. When he does rouse himself to wakefulness , he leaves the house, and shows up only when he needs to change or pack up some clothing, or if he has nowhere else to bathe and sleep. When he is here, there is minimal contact and communication and we can sense his resentment of any interest we take in his affairs. Sometimes he has outbursts of anger and annoyance with us. Other times, if I try to talk serious, he cries and just leaves in avoidance. He does not express himself well and clearly. Just very monosyllabic. On at least 3 occasions, when he did return home, he was very badly injured – from serious skateboard falls –each time took weeks to recover. He doesn’t pay his traffic fines, so gets scheduled for court, and then sometimes does not keep his court dates, so subsequently gets arrested on a bench warrant. I’ve stopped bailing him out. I have suggested to him to devise a plan to clean up everything with his fines and charges, so he can at least get a license (so he doesn’t continue to get more offenses for driving without a license). I offered to help him with the financials for this purpose, but he does not see any urgency about it. I think it all is just so overwhelming for him. He has numerous other debts I don’t even know about. I can’t trust his word. I’m not really even sure if he realizes himself that he tells untruths, or that he gets his stories mixed up. (Very hard to determine.) Because of this, his word is no longer dependable or trustworthy. His habit of speaking continual untruths/lies has created a secretive, suspicious appearance about his activities. I don't believe drugs are the issue, as I have not seen this. But don't know what happens away from our home. From all this you get the picture. I have realized we are not helping him by letting him stay here in our house, and it is causing us stress in wondering about him, where he is, what more he is getting in trouble with, etc., so I basically told him in a letter a week ago that I was proposing he vacate his room when I return from a trip next month. I hesitate to completely disown him yet, since the 2 grandkids (elementary school age) are a concern to me. He only has visitation with his children at our house (since he has no other home), so I’m thinking for now to allow him to come stay here when his children come. I appreciate any insight, guidance, wisdom you share.