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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 671756" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi kalahou and welcome back. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like you have made a great deal of progress working on yourself. That is the true benefit of the time spent since you were last on the forum. It is clear from reading what you wrote that you are moving forward.</p><p></p><p>And it's clear also that your son has not. Why not? Who knows, but one thing I grew to understand is that my son didn't believe I would stick to my guns....because i never had before. It took about 2 years for him to see that I was serious. He tested every single boundary...every one...until I finally had to almost cut off complete contact with him (just allowing one phone call on a Saturday morning every week between 10 and 11 a.m. for just 10 minutes). I know that sounds crazy but I kept setting clear and kind boundaries with him, and he didn't respect them. So that is what it came down to. After that, I could see a change in how we interacted. He started becoming a believer. But I had taught him not to be a believer for years, because I would say things and then not back them up with action regarding him and boundaries with him. He learned that I didn't mean what I said. It took time to undo that. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think these questions are natural ones as we get ready to change things with someone we love very much. Like my dear husband says (he has worked with addicts and their parents a lot)...it will be crystal clear when there is a true change. You will hear it in their voices, in their words, in their posture...everything will be different. You won't have to wonder. And even then, when I started to see real change in my son, I still stood back for a long time, several months, before I trusted it. He had taught me well too.</p><p></p><p>There is no "ever at a future time" as you stated, by that I mean, there is just today. Live in today. When things change with your son---and you are now giving things a chance to change by kindly telling him the new boundaries and demonstrating that you know he can do it---you can decide then what you will and won't do. Just take it one day at a time. Don't try to figure it all out now. There is no way to do that, and things will be different than you imagined anyway. </p><p></p><p>Letting go of people IS the best thing for them. Especially grown adults. When we don't, we rob them...yes rob them...of the chance to stand on their own two feet, develop pride in themselves and self reliance and self confidence. I have come to believe that the highest and best form of love is letting people go and loving them as they go, no matter what they do. It is not ours to decide another person's life. If they want to be homeless and sleep on a bench (as my son did), then it will break our hearts but we will survive it and people lives all kinds of lives that we can't know or understand. It is their very right to do so. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think you are very right to be concerned about this. I think that will not work very well at all, given your situation. </p><p></p><p>Can you have them come to see you---without him---once a month for the weekend or something like that? It's not your job to determine what works between him and his ex-wife in terms of visitation. If she doesn't trust him on his own, then I'd accept that and let it go. When he wants to see his children, perhaps he will get into a position to be ready to see them, on his and her terms. Try hard to stay out of that. </p><p></p><p>I would change now that situation you have described (if you can and if you are ready). If not, see how it goes, and then you can change it later if it doesn't work.</p><p></p><p>A lot of big change at once is really hard and scary so do what you can and what you are ready to do. There is no right or wrong here, just someone trying to do the right thing and it's hard work.</p><p></p><p>Please keep sharing with us. We care and we understand. We are here for you no matter what you decide to do.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs this morning. Hang in there. You are moving forward.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 671756, member: 17542"] Hi kalahou and welcome back. It sounds like you have made a great deal of progress working on yourself. That is the true benefit of the time spent since you were last on the forum. It is clear from reading what you wrote that you are moving forward. And it's clear also that your son has not. Why not? Who knows, but one thing I grew to understand is that my son didn't believe I would stick to my guns....because i never had before. It took about 2 years for him to see that I was serious. He tested every single boundary...every one...until I finally had to almost cut off complete contact with him (just allowing one phone call on a Saturday morning every week between 10 and 11 a.m. for just 10 minutes). I know that sounds crazy but I kept setting clear and kind boundaries with him, and he didn't respect them. So that is what it came down to. After that, I could see a change in how we interacted. He started becoming a believer. But I had taught him not to be a believer for years, because I would say things and then not back them up with action regarding him and boundaries with him. He learned that I didn't mean what I said. It took time to undo that. I think these questions are natural ones as we get ready to change things with someone we love very much. Like my dear husband says (he has worked with addicts and their parents a lot)...it will be crystal clear when there is a true change. You will hear it in their voices, in their words, in their posture...everything will be different. You won't have to wonder. And even then, when I started to see real change in my son, I still stood back for a long time, several months, before I trusted it. He had taught me well too. There is no "ever at a future time" as you stated, by that I mean, there is just today. Live in today. When things change with your son---and you are now giving things a chance to change by kindly telling him the new boundaries and demonstrating that you know he can do it---you can decide then what you will and won't do. Just take it one day at a time. Don't try to figure it all out now. There is no way to do that, and things will be different than you imagined anyway. Letting go of people IS the best thing for them. Especially grown adults. When we don't, we rob them...yes rob them...of the chance to stand on their own two feet, develop pride in themselves and self reliance and self confidence. I have come to believe that the highest and best form of love is letting people go and loving them as they go, no matter what they do. It is not ours to decide another person's life. If they want to be homeless and sleep on a bench (as my son did), then it will break our hearts but we will survive it and people lives all kinds of lives that we can't know or understand. It is their very right to do so. I think you are very right to be concerned about this. I think that will not work very well at all, given your situation. Can you have them come to see you---without him---once a month for the weekend or something like that? It's not your job to determine what works between him and his ex-wife in terms of visitation. If she doesn't trust him on his own, then I'd accept that and let it go. When he wants to see his children, perhaps he will get into a position to be ready to see them, on his and her terms. Try hard to stay out of that. I would change now that situation you have described (if you can and if you are ready). If not, see how it goes, and then you can change it later if it doesn't work. A lot of big change at once is really hard and scary so do what you can and what you are ready to do. There is no right or wrong here, just someone trying to do the right thing and it's hard work. Please keep sharing with us. We care and we understand. We are here for you no matter what you decide to do. Warm hugs this morning. Hang in there. You are moving forward. [/QUOTE]
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