Hello again, This is an update to my initial thread (“Losing Adult Child” posted Sept 28 -30). That prior initial thread provided detailed background info on my situation. A basic re-cap is that my 36 year old divorced son has been living with us the last 18 months, no job for years, sleeping day and night, disappearing for days, coming back only when needs something, traffic violations, shoplifting, lies, probably depressed and fearful, basic temperament unambitious and passive. He doesn’t pay traffic fines, then gets arrested, I stopped bailing him out, so has had some nights in jail. I have finally recognized our attempts to assist him were just enabling him, and in mid- September I told him he would soon have to leave our home. I was away for a month (husband remained home) and it has been around 6 weeks now since my last posting on the prior thread where I received your awesome wisdom and support and understanding. While I haven’t posted since then, I have been visiting/ reading the site each day, getting to know you better, trust you, and soaking up more and more insight and encouragement, learning the truths about these difficult children of ours. This place is a haven which has enabled me to continue my resolve and detachment in proceeding to have my son vacate his room here. I returned home from my trip in mid-October, and due to other unrelated situations needing attention, it has taken these additional weeks to make progress in starting to put son out. He is not taking any action himself (Why should he? We are enabling!) I work full-time all day, so plans are coming into place bit by bit as I can accomplish what’s needed. Even though I had given my son advance notice in mid-September that he would have to leave, there was no change when I returned from my trip. He was still sleeping all day / night, hibernating at the house all day, no job, no money, etc., and then disappearing again for days until his return (rinse/ repeat). One time when he was somewhat willing to talk and listen, I gave him information about resources for the homeless, such as shelters, food kitchen, job programs for homeless, referrals for mental health, etc, so he has the info and contact information if he needs it to survive and if he wants to use it. I think he can be smart when and if he wants to be ( maybe not ?) He told me that I should not worry about him, and he said he will be taking action because he is not going to go to a shelter or food kitchen .... Hmm?? I've heard that before about taking action, but doesn't happen... so we'll see. It is what it is... I am detaching. He knows it is all up to him, and he knows he has to want to change himself and do it himself in order for anything to happen. I sense perhaps he honestly does not want to change and better his situation. Well, I guess that would be his choice. I just know husband and I have to get out of it. I realize we are not helping at all but just making the situation worse. I'm so tired of it now and want to be done with him! husband and I are the last ones of any family to have continued to try to help him and be patient with him. His three siblings gave up long ago trying to communicate with him and trust his word. He stood them up so many times, lied, never repaid borrowed money, and does not want to keep in touch with them unless he needs something (as with us).They are done dealing with the craziness of his mixed-up stories. In fact, one daughter in law has told him not to come onto their premises ever again, which may become awkward because this location is where we’ve had our previous family gatherings. I finally feel good about what we are doing now in making him leave. I know now that we have waited too long allowing him here in this stagnant state for 18 months now. Husband and I want him out. We need him out. We are 69 and 75 yrs. old and don’t need the stress and negative vibes around us now. We are in good health, but this unpleasantness could make me sick. More often now, I really feel I do not want to even see son anymore. (I don’t like to feel this way about my own son, but I just do not like the person he is now. I don't want to be around him or think about him.) And most of all, son needs to be out also. This is not a good place for him. We are not good for him. What I noticed the last weeks was the big change in myself, as I’ve grown in detachment and released much of my emotional fear. I’ve come to feel that I no longer really even care what is going to happen to him when he leaves. (Again, I don’t like feeling this way about my own son. This is not like me.) Will this feeling change I wonder, if ever at a future time son ever shows even small mature, responsible behavior changes and a desire for a healthy (but still detached) relationship with us ? Will I be able to return to caring feelings for him? I think my patient and accepting motherly (smotherly?) care and love are what’s been very bad for him, and perhaps is what brought him to this disabled state. It could be that my current relinquishment of concern and detachment to “let go and move on” and just not caring anymore will be the catalyst that is the best for him. Good or bad, he just needs to go and let the chips fall. I am just so tired of my efforts reaping no results, and I want to be done with it and not have to think about him every day. A few nights ago when my son was questioning about how his possessions were going to be moved out and stored, etc., he came and gave me a hug. (What!?*) (He has not initiated a hug for the last 8 years *!*) … Lo and behold, I surprisingly did not even want to reciprocate it. But he hugged me long and said “I know it’s going to be alright and good. I feel it.” Did he do this because he is scared (like a little boy)? I think he noted the change in me with my increased detachment. He was just about crying (this weepiness is often). My inner response this time was so different than it has always been. Before, I might have responded with feelings having a glimmer of hope, and said encouraging things like how we wanted to help, and make offers and suggest plans to assist, etc. This time I just passively accepted and recognized that it was just another “rinse / repeat” of what I’ve heard before with no action / no results / a ploy at manipulation / and I steadied myself with an Inner attitude of thinking "we’ll just see what happens." What will be will be…. good or bad… I’ll live through it. Anyway, a few short minutes after this embrace, he went back to “horizontal” isolation in his room as usual. Ho hum. Much of the move out will hopefully be started in earnest by next weekend, but honestly it will likely end up that husband and I have to put in the elbow grease to do it, since we are the ones with the motive and drive to get relief and get him out. Once his stuff is all out, and the lock changed, there will be a new day and reason for thanksgiving for all involved (both for us and son) as things will be in place for all to move forward with our lives. One concern I do have is this … It remains to be seen how it will work out regarding the visitation time with his children (grandkids 5 and 9 yrs.). Our grands have been coming here every other weekend (Fri afternoon to Sun) to stay at our house. These visits are meant to be son’s time with them, but it is usually husband and myself who interact almost the whole time with the GKs … feed them and take them out to the park/ pool or play games / cooking/ chores etc. The GKs enjoy doing these things with us, but it gets draining for us also. If I were to leave them just to their dad, he would remain in slouched inertia while the kids slouched beside him doing IPad video games continually all weekend. I would be nuts seeing that happening in my house, which is why I am compelled to interact with the GKs, which of course then enables son to continue his passive “conduct disorder” behavior, taking no responsibility for them, and presenting a bad behavior example to them. (Should I just back out of this situation and let them be? I am not responsible for raising my GKs.) Since our home is the only place my ex-daughter in law (GKs’ mom) will bring them to visit their dad (she doesn’t really trust my son with them anywhere else), I agreed to welcome the GKs to come here, and I told my son that after he moves out, he can still come back to the house for these visitation times. (He will not be allowed to occupy his old room, but can only sleep on a futon in GKs’ room or some corner or other.) I remain fearful that during these times that son will return here, he will simply revert to his routine "disorder" behavior here. And because this will likely occur every other weekend, I think that is too frequent for son to return back to our home. Doesn’t he need to make a long break from us? This returning every other weekend does not sound good to me. Hmm? ... But then a part of me wants the GKs to continue to visit us often since that is the only time that we see them and we are building a close relationship with them. If GKs did not come here to visit their dad, my ex-daughter in law would very rarely bring them to visit, because she really has no interest in us except for how we can provide something she needs. Thanks to all for listening. What a relief to have this safe, comforting place to land and to get it all out on the table,. I welcome your truth and wisdom, encouragement and support. I am so thankful for your hearts and lives, and lift the best for you. Thank you for any feedback.