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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 671855" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This may be a threat, Kalahou.</p><p></p><p>If suicide is threatened, call 911. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I would ask you to see it differently. We are in unusual situations, in situations no parent is adequately prepared to cope with, when our children are so troubled. There is no easy solution. It isn't supposed to happen this way. That it is happening, that our children refuse to take wing, does not mean we have done something wrong or are making the situation worse.</p><p></p><p>It is the situation that is wrong. Not us, and not even our troubled kids.</p><p></p><p>As you read here with us longer, as you share your stories and hear ours, you will learn new ways to assess value. Maybe a very small step is enough. </p><p></p><p>A small beginning, a small change in how we see our situations can set us off in a new direction.</p><p></p><p>You suggested to your son that you and your husband are ready to change the current situation. Your son has not followed through. That is alright. That is just what it is.</p><p></p><p>What are your options? That is a serious question. If you don't know, then you need to research options. Then, you will know how to proceed.</p><p></p><p>It is not going to be easy.</p><p></p><p>That's okay.</p><p></p><p>Where is your husband in his thinking on the current situation?</p><p></p><p>Our troubled kids triangulate between the parents. This is just something anyone would do, given the powerlessness of your child's current position.</p><p></p><p>The responsibility not to respond to the triangulation is yours and your husband's. We have learned, here on the site, that the first step needs to be unity between the parents. If you both stay on the same page, then the son will need to do something different. If your husband is not willing to help motivate his son, then the first step might be for you and your mate to clarify values and goals.</p><p></p><p>Here is another way of seeing that helped me: For your son, and for my children too, the ultimate benefit in moving into the power position in their own lives accrues to the child. Independence for him, not solely because you are ready to move into the next phases of your own lives together, but because your son is meant to move into the next phase of his.</p><p></p><p>Your son cannot become the man he is meant to be if he is living as a child in your home. The challenges and responsibilities in our own lives have matured us into the adult, and very human, people we are.</p><p></p><p>Do not take that opportunity away from your son.</p><p></p><p>Unless he is so severely challenged that he cannot function as an adult outside your home, then your son must step into the power position in his own life.</p><p></p><p>Trust that he will.</p><p></p><p>There are Social Services options, if your son is unable to care for himself.</p><p></p><p>Is drug use a piece of this picture? Then, make treatment the deal breaker.</p><p></p><p>There is no shame here. There is only the situation we are in.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Keep a firm hold on your own finances. We have helped children through cosigning leases and so on. If you have been stung this way once, then that is not an option. In that case, a rental of one to three months, if you can afford it, will move him out of your home. </p><p></p><p>It is good to have all the options in front of us.</p><p></p><p>If you present it to him in terms of his need to reclaim himself, and of your determination to see to it that he does so <em>for his own good</em>, then I think you will be able to accomplish his independence without having to pay for it.</p><p></p><p>He is in his thirties, now. Soon, he will be too old, and too unemployable, to be required to leave.</p><p></p><p>Has he ever worked?</p><p></p><p>Are there mental health issues?</p><p></p><p>That we need to learn to see differently how to help our kids is part of parenting children like ours.</p><p></p><p>It helps me very much to remember it is not me who is bad or wrong, and it is not my child who is bad or wrong. It is the situation that is wrong.</p><p></p><p>Your son is a man.</p><p></p><p>He cannot be a man, cannot step into his manhood, living at home.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 671855, member: 17461"] This may be a threat, Kalahou. If suicide is threatened, call 911. I would ask you to see it differently. We are in unusual situations, in situations no parent is adequately prepared to cope with, when our children are so troubled. There is no easy solution. It isn't supposed to happen this way. That it is happening, that our children refuse to take wing, does not mean we have done something wrong or are making the situation worse. It is the situation that is wrong. Not us, and not even our troubled kids. As you read here with us longer, as you share your stories and hear ours, you will learn new ways to assess value. Maybe a very small step is enough. A small beginning, a small change in how we see our situations can set us off in a new direction. You suggested to your son that you and your husband are ready to change the current situation. Your son has not followed through. That is alright. That is just what it is. What are your options? That is a serious question. If you don't know, then you need to research options. Then, you will know how to proceed. It is not going to be easy. That's okay. Where is your husband in his thinking on the current situation? Our troubled kids triangulate between the parents. This is just something anyone would do, given the powerlessness of your child's current position. The responsibility not to respond to the triangulation is yours and your husband's. We have learned, here on the site, that the first step needs to be unity between the parents. If you both stay on the same page, then the son will need to do something different. If your husband is not willing to help motivate his son, then the first step might be for you and your mate to clarify values and goals. Here is another way of seeing that helped me: For your son, and for my children too, the ultimate benefit in moving into the power position in their own lives accrues to the child. Independence for him, not solely because you are ready to move into the next phases of your own lives together, but because your son is meant to move into the next phase of his. Your son cannot become the man he is meant to be if he is living as a child in your home. The challenges and responsibilities in our own lives have matured us into the adult, and very human, people we are. Do not take that opportunity away from your son. Unless he is so severely challenged that he cannot function as an adult outside your home, then your son must step into the power position in his own life. Trust that he will. There are Social Services options, if your son is unable to care for himself. Is drug use a piece of this picture? Then, make treatment the deal breaker. There is no shame here. There is only the situation we are in. *** Keep a firm hold on your own finances. We have helped children through cosigning leases and so on. If you have been stung this way once, then that is not an option. In that case, a rental of one to three months, if you can afford it, will move him out of your home. It is good to have all the options in front of us. If you present it to him in terms of his need to reclaim himself, and of your determination to see to it that he does so [I]for his own good[/I], then I think you will be able to accomplish his independence without having to pay for it. He is in his thirties, now. Soon, he will be too old, and too unemployable, to be required to leave. Has he ever worked? Are there mental health issues? That we need to learn to see differently how to help our kids is part of parenting children like ours. It helps me very much to remember it is not me who is bad or wrong, and it is not my child who is bad or wrong. It is the situation that is wrong. Your son is a man. He cannot be a man, cannot step into his manhood, living at home. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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