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Losing Hope and Need Help
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 622769" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Look, I know you feel guilty, but why? Did you make him get into this mess? Put a gun to his head. Does he tell you, "When I was five years old you did X, and when I was ten years old I did Y and that is why this is all your fault?" If so, you have company. ALL difficult child's seem to use that reasoning. Yet almost all children have bad things happen to them and most of them do not turn into people that ours have become. So it's nonsense and just an excuse to get us moms to fund their drug use or lack of work or toys they want to buy but don't want to work for. </p><p></p><p>Expect your son to up the ante every time you take your power back and refuse to fund his self-destruction. They tend to go to wild extremes to make us feel guilty, text us nonstop, threaten us physically, sometimes even come to our house and try to break in...there seems to be no limit to how far our adult kids will go to teach us a lesson for not treating them like they are incapable of taking care of themselves. They get very agitated and mean when we step back and let them learn on their own to either live in society or fail. There are people who are 80 paying for rent for their 55 year old "children." Do you want that to be you? </p><p></p><p>I can't say that detaching has made my son a better person because he is what he is and he hasn't worked hard on trying to help himself. Nor will he. Nor did he when he lived with me and I begged him to get help and promised to pay and drive him and stay in the lobby, etc. etc. etc. He still refused treatment. So making myself sick to death did not help him and it didn't help my other children who needed to have a mom too. They were younger than him. He took up all the oxygen in any room and not in a good way.</p><p></p><p>He is now living several states away and does have a job and a son, whom he takes good care of. I hope it lasts. He calls me a lot now and is not always Mr. Nice Guy. When he is under stress, he threatens me and screams at me and swears at me and calls me lovely names...and I finally started hanging up on him at the first bad or loud word directed at me. Yes, he is 36 and I am first starting to really be my own boss. Although it hasn't changed who he is, he is more mindful of how he talks to me and I have to hang up and ignore his calls for days less than I use to.</p><p></p><p>Beware of the "I will kill myself." That will happen too. Does he mean it? I would always call 911 whenever it was said to me. No more discussion. Hang up. 911. I don't take chances with that, but I don't talk about it either. I don't want to feel guilty if he says "I will kill myself" and I don't call 911 and he does it, although he has never seriously tried to kill himself. It is usually said to try to manipulate me because that used to make me back down from anything. Even if he wrote me a letter threatening to kill himself I'd call 911. Since he knows that, it has been over a year since I've heard him say "I'm going to kill myself." As hard as it is for me to accept, I *have* accepted, and I know, that if he really wants to do it, nobody can stop him because if he really wants to do it, that isn't going to be the time he tells me.</p><p></p><p>But even if he lived at home, which will never happen again, he could kill himself. Suicide is everywhere, of course, and most of the kids I knew who did kill themselves did it at home. In fact, all of them did. Two hung themselves in closets. One put his father's policeman's revolver in his mouth and shot himself. Did you ever read Danielle Steele's only true story book called "His Bright Light?" It is about her bipolar son. He killed himself at age seventeen. This after she spent literally millions of dollars on trying to save him. In the end, the decision was taken out of her hands.</p><p></p><p>What we need to focus on is that if somebody wants to hurt themselves, even our beloved children, we really can't stop them. And there is nothing you can do to make your adult son live a good life either. It is in his own hands. </p><p></p><p>Do not let his abuse wear you down. If anyone but your son talked to you the way he does, would you not call the cops and try to avoid the person? Why do we let our adult children do it if we wouldn't let anyone else? </p><p></p><p>We shouldn't. Gentle hugs and take care.</p><p>"God grant us the SERENITY to accept the things we can not change,</p><p>The COURAGE to change the things we can,</p><p>And the WISDOM to know the difference." (I think this is classic even if you are an atheist. It is about letting go of what you can't hang onto anyway).</p><p></p><p>Hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 622769, member: 1550"] Look, I know you feel guilty, but why? Did you make him get into this mess? Put a gun to his head. Does he tell you, "When I was five years old you did X, and when I was ten years old I did Y and that is why this is all your fault?" If so, you have company. ALL difficult child's seem to use that reasoning. Yet almost all children have bad things happen to them and most of them do not turn into people that ours have become. So it's nonsense and just an excuse to get us moms to fund their drug use or lack of work or toys they want to buy but don't want to work for. Expect your son to up the ante every time you take your power back and refuse to fund his self-destruction. They tend to go to wild extremes to make us feel guilty, text us nonstop, threaten us physically, sometimes even come to our house and try to break in...there seems to be no limit to how far our adult kids will go to teach us a lesson for not treating them like they are incapable of taking care of themselves. They get very agitated and mean when we step back and let them learn on their own to either live in society or fail. There are people who are 80 paying for rent for their 55 year old "children." Do you want that to be you? I can't say that detaching has made my son a better person because he is what he is and he hasn't worked hard on trying to help himself. Nor will he. Nor did he when he lived with me and I begged him to get help and promised to pay and drive him and stay in the lobby, etc. etc. etc. He still refused treatment. So making myself sick to death did not help him and it didn't help my other children who needed to have a mom too. They were younger than him. He took up all the oxygen in any room and not in a good way. He is now living several states away and does have a job and a son, whom he takes good care of. I hope it lasts. He calls me a lot now and is not always Mr. Nice Guy. When he is under stress, he threatens me and screams at me and swears at me and calls me lovely names...and I finally started hanging up on him at the first bad or loud word directed at me. Yes, he is 36 and I am first starting to really be my own boss. Although it hasn't changed who he is, he is more mindful of how he talks to me and I have to hang up and ignore his calls for days less than I use to. Beware of the "I will kill myself." That will happen too. Does he mean it? I would always call 911 whenever it was said to me. No more discussion. Hang up. 911. I don't take chances with that, but I don't talk about it either. I don't want to feel guilty if he says "I will kill myself" and I don't call 911 and he does it, although he has never seriously tried to kill himself. It is usually said to try to manipulate me because that used to make me back down from anything. Even if he wrote me a letter threatening to kill himself I'd call 911. Since he knows that, it has been over a year since I've heard him say "I'm going to kill myself." As hard as it is for me to accept, I *have* accepted, and I know, that if he really wants to do it, nobody can stop him because if he really wants to do it, that isn't going to be the time he tells me. But even if he lived at home, which will never happen again, he could kill himself. Suicide is everywhere, of course, and most of the kids I knew who did kill themselves did it at home. In fact, all of them did. Two hung themselves in closets. One put his father's policeman's revolver in his mouth and shot himself. Did you ever read Danielle Steele's only true story book called "His Bright Light?" It is about her bipolar son. He killed himself at age seventeen. This after she spent literally millions of dollars on trying to save him. In the end, the decision was taken out of her hands. What we need to focus on is that if somebody wants to hurt themselves, even our beloved children, we really can't stop them. And there is nothing you can do to make your adult son live a good life either. It is in his own hands. Do not let his abuse wear you down. If anyone but your son talked to you the way he does, would you not call the cops and try to avoid the person? Why do we let our adult children do it if we wouldn't let anyone else? We shouldn't. Gentle hugs and take care. "God grant us the SERENITY to accept the things we can not change, The COURAGE to change the things we can, And the WISDOM to know the difference." (I think this is classic even if you are an atheist. It is about letting go of what you can't hang onto anyway). Hugs. [/QUOTE]
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