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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 622797" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Hi </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>To me, it feels like we moms need to learn to interpret what our difficult child kids are doing differently. When we can see what happens from OUR point of view rather than from their viewpoint, things begin to make sense. We begin to heal. </p><p></p><p>In reality, your son is a man who has made certain choices, <u>as is his right.</u> If he were making those choices you feel are best for him (school, job) he would be home, all his needs met and his future secure. </p><p></p><p>He is not making those good choices for himself.</p><p></p><p>He is making self-destructive choices.</p><p></p><p>What I told my son is that I loved him too much to watch him self destruct, and that I certainly loved him too much to help him do it by supporting his self destructive lifestyle choices in any way.</p><p></p><p>I also tell him that he was raised better than to do what he is doing.</p><p></p><p>This is key. Because we feel guilty about the part we must have played in what is happening to our kids, the kids pick up on that. They use these maternal feelings against us, mercilessly.</p><p></p><p>We are in a trap.</p><p></p><p><u>So are they.</u></p><p></p><p>Unless and until we can learn to rely on our own memories of their upbringings, unless and until we truly get it that what they have chosen to do with themselves when we are not there to stop them ~ or when they refuse to allow us to stop them ~ was never the choice we would have made for them, and is in fact, exactly what we cautioned them against...nothing can change.</p><p></p><p>We need to break the pattern.</p><p></p><p>That is what the learned skill of detachment is all about. We learn to detach from the emotional component of what is happening to our children. We need to see, not to sound like a goof ball here, but with clarity and justice and honor.</p><p></p><p>And we need to learn to expect those same things from our children. What they do about our changed expectations is up to them.</p><p></p><p>They are walking a wrong path. Nothing, nothing we have done to help them change their paths has worked. From what I have seen in my own life, from what I have learned, here on the site, detachment may be the one chance, the one thing, that will change the way our kids think and give them a shot at reclaiming their lives.</p><p></p><p>The kids need to stop blaming anyone or anything for where they are. They need to take full responsibility for where they choose to take their lives and for how they choose to live them.</p><p></p><p>We cannot change what they decide to do, who they decide to be. We can though, let go and love them. We can establish healthy boundaries, modeling that for the kids. We can learn to cherish and console ourselves ~ also, modeling that for the kids. We need to review those pictures of our troubled kids that we hold in our hearts. We really do need to get it, that they are adults, now. In looking back at our own maturation, we see where challenge well met ~ or even, failure ~ has matured us, has given us priceless knowledge about ourselves, and about how the world works. </p><p></p><p>Where would we be today, who would we be, today, without the lessons life has taught us?</p><p></p><p>We would not have grown into our adulthoods, either.</p><p></p><p>We need to (well, at least I am trying to) learn to love the kids without judging them. We need not to advise. We need to believe they can do just great without our help.</p><p></p><p>That is the only way they will grow out of their adolescences.</p><p></p><p>We had to do that, too.</p><p> </p><p>I didn't learn to do this until my son was in his late twenties. I have lived most of my life focused on my kids, on my guilt, on my responsibility. I have been so ashamed, so embarrassed; have wondered where I went wrong, have tried to change myself, to be a better mom.</p><p></p><p>Nothing worked. Nothing helped. Lots of money, co-signatures, fines and food and all kinds of things. None of that worked, at all.</p><p></p><p>In fact, my kids seem to believe we owe them those things because they are inept or unable.</p><p></p><p>I did that to them.</p><p></p><p>Now, I need to gently, certainly, let them grow up.</p><p></p><p>From your description of the way he treated his brother, this younger son of yours is so into blaming anyone else for his failures, is so into revenge and hatred, that the only way he could possibly come to his senses is if you and your family leave him alone to do that. </p><p></p><p>It is hard to turn away from our troubled kids. We DO feel guilt and responsibility and shame and rage. We need to learn to let those things go. We need to make a conscious effort to do that, to make a decision to heal.</p><p></p><p>And that is all I know for sure, this morning.</p><p></p><p>Oh. One more thing that has helped me so much. When one of our children are in the kind of trouble our difficult child kids seem to find without even trying? Whatever solution we come up with is going to have its really bad aspects. That is because the situation is bad. Not you. Not the difficult child. </p><p></p><p>The situation is bad.</p><p></p><p>There is no perfect response; there is no fix.</p><p></p><p>We do the best we know.</p><p></p><p>Holding you and your family in my thoughts today, CA.</p><p></p><p>These changes are very hard to make. But if we can change the pattern of our responses, at the least, we will make a change in the pattern. Something has to change, or things will go on and on, just like this.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 622797, member: 17461"] Hi :O) To me, it feels like we moms need to learn to interpret what our difficult child kids are doing differently. When we can see what happens from OUR point of view rather than from their viewpoint, things begin to make sense. We begin to heal. In reality, your son is a man who has made certain choices, [U]as is his right.[/U] If he were making those choices you feel are best for him (school, job) he would be home, all his needs met and his future secure. He is not making those good choices for himself. He is making self-destructive choices. What I told my son is that I loved him too much to watch him self destruct, and that I certainly loved him too much to help him do it by supporting his self destructive lifestyle choices in any way. I also tell him that he was raised better than to do what he is doing. This is key. Because we feel guilty about the part we must have played in what is happening to our kids, the kids pick up on that. They use these maternal feelings against us, mercilessly. We are in a trap. [U]So are they.[/U] Unless and until we can learn to rely on our own memories of their upbringings, unless and until we truly get it that what they have chosen to do with themselves when we are not there to stop them ~ or when they refuse to allow us to stop them ~ was never the choice we would have made for them, and is in fact, exactly what we cautioned them against...nothing can change. We need to break the pattern. That is what the learned skill of detachment is all about. We learn to detach from the emotional component of what is happening to our children. We need to see, not to sound like a goof ball here, but with clarity and justice and honor. And we need to learn to expect those same things from our children. What they do about our changed expectations is up to them. They are walking a wrong path. Nothing, nothing we have done to help them change their paths has worked. From what I have seen in my own life, from what I have learned, here on the site, detachment may be the one chance, the one thing, that will change the way our kids think and give them a shot at reclaiming their lives. The kids need to stop blaming anyone or anything for where they are. They need to take full responsibility for where they choose to take their lives and for how they choose to live them. We cannot change what they decide to do, who they decide to be. We can though, let go and love them. We can establish healthy boundaries, modeling that for the kids. We can learn to cherish and console ourselves ~ also, modeling that for the kids. We need to review those pictures of our troubled kids that we hold in our hearts. We really do need to get it, that they are adults, now. In looking back at our own maturation, we see where challenge well met ~ or even, failure ~ has matured us, has given us priceless knowledge about ourselves, and about how the world works. Where would we be today, who would we be, today, without the lessons life has taught us? We would not have grown into our adulthoods, either. We need to (well, at least I am trying to) learn to love the kids without judging them. We need not to advise. We need to believe they can do just great without our help. That is the only way they will grow out of their adolescences. We had to do that, too. I didn't learn to do this until my son was in his late twenties. I have lived most of my life focused on my kids, on my guilt, on my responsibility. I have been so ashamed, so embarrassed; have wondered where I went wrong, have tried to change myself, to be a better mom. Nothing worked. Nothing helped. Lots of money, co-signatures, fines and food and all kinds of things. None of that worked, at all. In fact, my kids seem to believe we owe them those things because they are inept or unable. I did that to them. Now, I need to gently, certainly, let them grow up. From your description of the way he treated his brother, this younger son of yours is so into blaming anyone else for his failures, is so into revenge and hatred, that the only way he could possibly come to his senses is if you and your family leave him alone to do that. It is hard to turn away from our troubled kids. We DO feel guilt and responsibility and shame and rage. We need to learn to let those things go. We need to make a conscious effort to do that, to make a decision to heal. And that is all I know for sure, this morning. Oh. One more thing that has helped me so much. When one of our children are in the kind of trouble our difficult child kids seem to find without even trying? Whatever solution we come up with is going to have its really bad aspects. That is because the situation is bad. Not you. Not the difficult child. The situation is bad. There is no perfect response; there is no fix. We do the best we know. Holding you and your family in my thoughts today, CA. These changes are very hard to make. But if we can change the pattern of our responses, at the least, we will make a change in the pattern. Something has to change, or things will go on and on, just like this. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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