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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 622933" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>What a remarkable step forward you made for yourself when you said something that has needed to be said for a long time.</p><p></p><p>CA, your situation and mine sound very similar. And as others here have said, when we start saying no, they will start ramping up.</p><p></p><p>It's hard for me to think like my son thinks, but in the past, he may have felt desperate when I began saying no. For a long time he bounced back and forth between his dad and myself. We are divorced, and for a long time we didn't communicate, so that made it possible for him to play both sides against the middle.</p><p></p><p>Now, we are in communication and we are both detaching from our son. In different ways, but we are both done. </p><p></p><p>I don't know why things happen like this. I don't know why we are pushed absolutely to the end of our ropes and we literally have nothing left to give before we tell them things that we should have been saying for a long time.</p><p></p><p>I don't know about you, but it was like my voice was paralyzed. I believe I was terrified. Of so many things, primarily for him.</p><p></p><p>Let me tell you about how things are right now with my difficult child. </p><p></p><p>Friday I took him the phone that came in the mail. We sat in the car for 10 minutes and talked about his plans. There were no raised voices. I didn't try to fix him or his situation. I didn't advise. He said things that were hard for me to hear, like sleeping between two bookcases in a downtown parking garage the night before. Several months ago, I don't think I could have borne that kind of talk without trying to do something, CA, ANYTHING. </p><p></p><p>Saturday, he called and asked if he could come over and see if his car would start. It was a beautiful day and SO and I were working in the yard. SO had decided to pull out this huge overgrown bush and was hard at it. When I told him difficult child was coming over, he said, well maybe I'll give him a little money to help me with this bush. That is what happened. difficult child worked for about an hour and a half and SO gave him $30. We all three went down to the fenced in area in my neighborhood where people keep their extra vehicles and boats. His car has been there since last summer when he was arrested. We all three worked with the car for about an hour (well, I didn't do much working with the car, but I was there for moral support). It wouldn't start. He is trying to sell it. I fixed him a pbj sandwich. He took a shower and got some clean clothes. Late in the afternoon he asked me to take him to the library. I did. It was hard to drop him off there. That was the hardest part of the day, though. The rest was very pleasant, like a normal family. </p><p></p><p>difficult child is like a different person right now. Is he using drugs? I don't know. He wasn't yesterday or Friday. But he is still homeless. He still doesn't have a job. He has lots of plans, CA. Will he make them happen? I don't know. I realize things could go either way, but I am working so hard not to meddle in his life. Not to advise, ask, guide, manage, control. Not to save him anymore.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard to know my precious son is sleeping in parking garages and abandoned houses. It is colder here tonight. I woke up last night in the middle of the night and felt a momentary panic about his safety. But I went back to sleep, CA.</p><p></p><p>I am just like you, CA. I have been where you are. It was awful, the most painful time of my life. Saying no to my son was almost unbearable to me, but I did it, finally. Now, we are trying to have a relationship and to see what that looks like.</p><p></p><p>Today, I wanted to text or call him on his new phone and say I washed and dried your coat, do you want to come get it? SO came in and said do you want to leave difficult child a FB message and tell him that Captain D's is hiring a kitchen manager for all three shifts? I said no. </p><p></p><p>I used to leap at those ideas, CA. I have now seen difficult child more over the past 72 hours than I have in months and months. It was good. But I am going very slowly, both for me and for him. </p><p></p><p>It's colder here tonight and the mom in me wants to know if he is somewhere warm. I have his coat. He has a long sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt. Is that enough? Where is he sleeping? What will he do tomorrow? Will he move forward with some of his plans? </p><p></p><p>I don't know, CA. But I believe with all my heart, with all my mind and with all my soul that I must stay out of the way. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry he got around your call block. That has happened to me. And many times, it was almost unbearable to talk with him. I do know this: having some physical distance can give you some space and time to collect yourself again. You can rest, clear your mind, and start to formulate some ideas about what you will do and what you won't do. Write it down, CA. That helps. You can always, always change your mind. </p><p></p><p>There is another thread here about what is detachment, enabling and tough love. One thing I believe is this: You can only do what you can live with. But if you/we/me decide to work on detachment and stopping the enabling, little by little, it will get easier and the good times will be more frequent and longer and the insane times will be shorter. Regardless of what our precious adult children decide to do.</p><p></p><p>I believe my son seems better right now. I don't know for sure. And I don't want to get too invested in what is happening right now, one way or another. The way for me not to get too invested is to keep some distance. </p><p></p><p>Prayers and blessings and peace for you and a good night's sleep tonight. We are here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 622933, member: 17542"] What a remarkable step forward you made for yourself when you said something that has needed to be said for a long time. CA, your situation and mine sound very similar. And as others here have said, when we start saying no, they will start ramping up. It's hard for me to think like my son thinks, but in the past, he may have felt desperate when I began saying no. For a long time he bounced back and forth between his dad and myself. We are divorced, and for a long time we didn't communicate, so that made it possible for him to play both sides against the middle. Now, we are in communication and we are both detaching from our son. In different ways, but we are both done. I don't know why things happen like this. I don't know why we are pushed absolutely to the end of our ropes and we literally have nothing left to give before we tell them things that we should have been saying for a long time. I don't know about you, but it was like my voice was paralyzed. I believe I was terrified. Of so many things, primarily for him. Let me tell you about how things are right now with my difficult child. Friday I took him the phone that came in the mail. We sat in the car for 10 minutes and talked about his plans. There were no raised voices. I didn't try to fix him or his situation. I didn't advise. He said things that were hard for me to hear, like sleeping between two bookcases in a downtown parking garage the night before. Several months ago, I don't think I could have borne that kind of talk without trying to do something, CA, ANYTHING. Saturday, he called and asked if he could come over and see if his car would start. It was a beautiful day and SO and I were working in the yard. SO had decided to pull out this huge overgrown bush and was hard at it. When I told him difficult child was coming over, he said, well maybe I'll give him a little money to help me with this bush. That is what happened. difficult child worked for about an hour and a half and SO gave him $30. We all three went down to the fenced in area in my neighborhood where people keep their extra vehicles and boats. His car has been there since last summer when he was arrested. We all three worked with the car for about an hour (well, I didn't do much working with the car, but I was there for moral support). It wouldn't start. He is trying to sell it. I fixed him a pbj sandwich. He took a shower and got some clean clothes. Late in the afternoon he asked me to take him to the library. I did. It was hard to drop him off there. That was the hardest part of the day, though. The rest was very pleasant, like a normal family. difficult child is like a different person right now. Is he using drugs? I don't know. He wasn't yesterday or Friday. But he is still homeless. He still doesn't have a job. He has lots of plans, CA. Will he make them happen? I don't know. I realize things could go either way, but I am working so hard not to meddle in his life. Not to advise, ask, guide, manage, control. Not to save him anymore. It is very hard to know my precious son is sleeping in parking garages and abandoned houses. It is colder here tonight. I woke up last night in the middle of the night and felt a momentary panic about his safety. But I went back to sleep, CA. I am just like you, CA. I have been where you are. It was awful, the most painful time of my life. Saying no to my son was almost unbearable to me, but I did it, finally. Now, we are trying to have a relationship and to see what that looks like. Today, I wanted to text or call him on his new phone and say I washed and dried your coat, do you want to come get it? SO came in and said do you want to leave difficult child a FB message and tell him that Captain D's is hiring a kitchen manager for all three shifts? I said no. I used to leap at those ideas, CA. I have now seen difficult child more over the past 72 hours than I have in months and months. It was good. But I am going very slowly, both for me and for him. It's colder here tonight and the mom in me wants to know if he is somewhere warm. I have his coat. He has a long sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt. Is that enough? Where is he sleeping? What will he do tomorrow? Will he move forward with some of his plans? I don't know, CA. But I believe with all my heart, with all my mind and with all my soul that I must stay out of the way. I am sorry he got around your call block. That has happened to me. And many times, it was almost unbearable to talk with him. I do know this: having some physical distance can give you some space and time to collect yourself again. You can rest, clear your mind, and start to formulate some ideas about what you will do and what you won't do. Write it down, CA. That helps. You can always, always change your mind. There is another thread here about what is detachment, enabling and tough love. One thing I believe is this: You can only do what you can live with. But if you/we/me decide to work on detachment and stopping the enabling, little by little, it will get easier and the good times will be more frequent and longer and the insane times will be shorter. Regardless of what our precious adult children decide to do. I believe my son seems better right now. I don't know for sure. And I don't want to get too invested in what is happening right now, one way or another. The way for me not to get too invested is to keep some distance. Prayers and blessings and peace for you and a good night's sleep tonight. We are here for you. [/QUOTE]
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