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Lost my daughter for good I fear
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 529209" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Dotty, I can hear your pain. And how can you go on? One foot in front of the other, that's how you go on. Because one day your daughter will be alone and will need you. One day. Until then, you go on.</p><p></p><p>Forget about Mothers Day. It's just a day on the calendar. In our household, we do not remind the kids, they have to remember on their own to say, "Happy Mother's Day." If they don't, I might feel a little sad but I shrug and get on with things. I don't want gifts, I don't want anything beyond a phone call maybe. But if my child forgets, or doesn't call me - it's up to them. An unprompted contact is gold. A prompted one has no value.</p><p></p><p>I note you said she told her father that she hates you. That means she is talking to her father. Are you able to discuss your concerns with him? Maybe if he can be your advocate in any way, or even just keep you informed as to how things are going for her, it might help. You acknowledge the mistakes you've made and you're ready to apologise to her for them, but she is still not ready to hear. Her behaviour is also, as you have said, greatly controlled by the main influence in her life - the loser boyfriend. If she won't let you back in to her life right now, at least if she lets her father in then she has someone else to turn to when that need arises.</p><p></p><p>I have a good fiend whose daughter went down the same path. At first my friend fought the bad boyfriend, my friend insisted he show respect to her and her husband in her own home, required her daughter to bring the boyfriend home for dinner, that sort of thing. My friend's husband would get angry with the boyfriend when he showed disrespect to his girlfriend or her mother, and that did a lot of damage. The girl was put in the position of having to choose, and with our children as they are reaching out to adult independence, if they are forced to choose between a lover or a parent, the parent generally loses. And that is often because deep down, the kids know we love them unconditionally. it's easier to express anger and hurt at someone who you know will at some level always forgive you. But the boyfriend - he holds the fear of loss of his love, as a real threat. And one day he will make good that threat. One day. Hopefully. </p><p></p><p>Some of the conflict did come from you, but let me assure you - with control freak boyfriends, you could have been welcome, as sweet as pie to him, and he still would have found a way to control your daughter and drive a wedge between you. That is what happened to my friend. And to others I've known.</p><p></p><p>My friend's daughter has now moved on to a new boyfriend, but it took her 8 years. I haven't heard what her new boyfriend is like, but once they've been controlled by one guy, often the pattern is set for future relationships.</p><p></p><p>I hope your daughter can find out sooner rather than later, that you love her and want to reconcile. But you can't force it, and you can't give the creep boyfriend any ammunition.</p><p></p><p>Talk to her dad. And be prepared to stay well in the background of your daughter's life for now. The first thing you have to do for your daughter, is write her a letter of apology. Unconditional. But she's not ready to receive that yet. Write your letter, date it, and if you are on good terms with her dad, give it to him in trust. Let him choose the right time. Even if it's in five years' time. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 529209, member: 1991"] Dotty, I can hear your pain. And how can you go on? One foot in front of the other, that's how you go on. Because one day your daughter will be alone and will need you. One day. Until then, you go on. Forget about Mothers Day. It's just a day on the calendar. In our household, we do not remind the kids, they have to remember on their own to say, "Happy Mother's Day." If they don't, I might feel a little sad but I shrug and get on with things. I don't want gifts, I don't want anything beyond a phone call maybe. But if my child forgets, or doesn't call me - it's up to them. An unprompted contact is gold. A prompted one has no value. I note you said she told her father that she hates you. That means she is talking to her father. Are you able to discuss your concerns with him? Maybe if he can be your advocate in any way, or even just keep you informed as to how things are going for her, it might help. You acknowledge the mistakes you've made and you're ready to apologise to her for them, but she is still not ready to hear. Her behaviour is also, as you have said, greatly controlled by the main influence in her life - the loser boyfriend. If she won't let you back in to her life right now, at least if she lets her father in then she has someone else to turn to when that need arises. I have a good fiend whose daughter went down the same path. At first my friend fought the bad boyfriend, my friend insisted he show respect to her and her husband in her own home, required her daughter to bring the boyfriend home for dinner, that sort of thing. My friend's husband would get angry with the boyfriend when he showed disrespect to his girlfriend or her mother, and that did a lot of damage. The girl was put in the position of having to choose, and with our children as they are reaching out to adult independence, if they are forced to choose between a lover or a parent, the parent generally loses. And that is often because deep down, the kids know we love them unconditionally. it's easier to express anger and hurt at someone who you know will at some level always forgive you. But the boyfriend - he holds the fear of loss of his love, as a real threat. And one day he will make good that threat. One day. Hopefully. Some of the conflict did come from you, but let me assure you - with control freak boyfriends, you could have been welcome, as sweet as pie to him, and he still would have found a way to control your daughter and drive a wedge between you. That is what happened to my friend. And to others I've known. My friend's daughter has now moved on to a new boyfriend, but it took her 8 years. I haven't heard what her new boyfriend is like, but once they've been controlled by one guy, often the pattern is set for future relationships. I hope your daughter can find out sooner rather than later, that you love her and want to reconcile. But you can't force it, and you can't give the creep boyfriend any ammunition. Talk to her dad. And be prepared to stay well in the background of your daughter's life for now. The first thing you have to do for your daughter, is write her a letter of apology. Unconditional. But she's not ready to receive that yet. Write your letter, date it, and if you are on good terms with her dad, give it to him in trust. Let him choose the right time. Even if it's in five years' time. Marg [/QUOTE]
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