Love is........Deaf, Dumb, Blind, and Stupid

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Oct 29, 2007.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I feel really sad for Nichole this evening.

    Today on the way to driving her to school she said she had brought up the subject of marriage to b/f again.

    This surprised me as she hasn't been doing any info giving on their relationship since I let them have it so bad a while back.

    So.... I said, "And...."

    "He says it really scares him Mom"

    I say,"Marriage scares most people. So? Does he say he wants to get married?"

    "He says he does. And so I told him my finger is getting awfully lonely."


    "And he says he's scared it'll wind up like most people who get married after having a baby."

    Then we have sister in law's birthday dinner and cake tonight. While picking up the cake a store clerk deliberately insulted Nichole by referring to her as male. easy child told sister in law about it.

    After teasing Nichole a bit, he asked if she wanted him to go belt the guy.

    Nichole said no.

    So sister in law asked if b/f was going to go at least tell the guy off?

    Nichole says Yeah, right.

    sister in law says,"Oh, that's right. Whimp doesn't care enough to stick up for you, I have to do it for him."

    Nichole says," You know, yeah it's true. He wouldn't. And that's awful to say."


    Why can't she see that he doesn't feel for her the way she does for him? I don't even think he loves her. All of his behavior and actions actually scream that he doesn't give a hoot about her. And still she doesn't get it, doesn't see it.

    She just keeps letting him hurt her over and over.

    Nichole just had a major falling out with her best friend N. Nichole asked N to please not bring her abusive b/f around anymore. N didn't take it well.

    I reminded Nichole that her own b/f has pushed her, thrown her down, and choked her. Oh, but Mom that was because I'd push or hit him. I told her again that just because you provolk someone into violence doesn't make YOU less guilty of violence yourself. He has no excuse to put his hands on her for ANY reason.

    psychiatrist also tried to stress this during last appoint. She didn't get any further than I did.

    Jerko b/f broke her heart again when he didn't offer a ring. But he made ME mad as heck when I discovered he'd managed to wheedle her out of her 300.00+ refund college check in less than 2 wks!

    Oh, yeah. He'll be paying daycare for the baby next quarter.

    I just wish the blinders would lift enough for her to see the truth. :frown:
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm sorry to hear this, but not surprised. It's part of the Borderline (BPD)...the desperate attempts to avoid abandonment, real or perceived. And it's part of her age.

    I think I've asked before, but I don't remember. Has Nichole received treatment (DBT which is the gold standard for Borderline (BPD), or even CBT is used) for her Borderline (BPD)? I think she would benefit strongly from it.

    Hopefully, one day she will wisen up. Is that friend of hers that is so in love with Nichole (the one that Mama Bear approves of) still coming around? I'm not normally one for leaving one guy for another, but I think this case is different. She seems to need incentive to leave jerk boyfriend.

    I know it hurts you to see your baby hurting.

  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Unfortunately the other boy hasn't been around. He's working and in school too. (but Mama bear is keeping her eye out so I can invite him over if I see him, they are friends afterall. lol)

    We have no qualified tdocs who do the therapies for Borderline (BPD) anywhere near our area. psychiatrist double checked to be sure. And I can't drive Nichole all the way to the major cities for it. Too far. I too think she'd greatly benefit from it.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member


    There is an online DBT group on yahoo. If you want more info just ask me.
  5. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    I agree that the Borderline (BPD) is at work here. Most Borderlines see their relationships is such black and white terms. The 'good' news is that when difficult child gets fed up enough it will probably be over quick fast and in a hurry.

    Daisy ... if you have never read the book "I Hate You. Please Don't Leave Me" I would encourage you to do so. It is a very insightful look at Borderlines and what makes them tick.
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    There's another really good book called "Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder".
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    As I've mentioned elsewhere recently, I'm currently watching my Youngest difficult child in the midst of an extremely abusive relationship with the father of her baby. He doesn't pay child support, yet is physically and emotionally abusive to her. They break up, he bullies her into getting back together with her. This post was timely for me, as I am struggling with how to deal with this, how do you "detach" when your daughter's safety is at issue?

    I never thought of this "battered woman syndrome" as being a symptom also of Borderline (BPD). It makes sense, though, since I see that she is desparately clinging to this young man despite all of it. She makes excuses for him, seems to cling tighter even after an abusive episode, refuses to press charges or get a restraining order. Black or white, indeed. She hates him, she loves him. Never in the middle.

    Ironically (or not), in response to one of boyfriend's recent rages against Youngest, her therapist said to me "I think we're watching a classic Borderline in action." God help my Grandson, with borderline genes on both sides.

    Adult children. It's such an oxymoron in the case of a difficult child, isn't it?

    Many hugs to you. It's hard to watch.
  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Love is deaf, dumb, blind and stupid sometimes. You can't get her to see this. She has to see it for herself, though I know how painful it is to watch.

    Hopefully she'll see it before long and he won't ever marry her.
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I am sorry for you pain in watching this so helplessly. sigh.
  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Understanding hugs.

    Copper seems to have her issues under control. And she still insists on sticking with this leprechaun. Have I mentioned that I do not care for him much?
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    gg and Heather I'll go look for those books. I don't think I've read them.

    Janet the link would be nice. Hopefully I can get her to look at it at least. I'll try to catch her on a good day.

    Guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed she can see this relationship for what it is/isn't sooner rather than later.

    Thanks all.

  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Big Hugs..........

    FWIW, I was once a Nichole, and I did wake up one day. I was about 24, and I suddenly realized everything. It was literally like someone peeled the blinders away from my eyes.

    I had a very tumultuous teenage period, and I really think it kept me from growing up emotionally. I was a bit repressed and stunted at age 17, and then I got involved with this guy, lived with him, then married him, then had his baby. I believe he kept me by his side because he continued to cause my emotional stagnation by his abuse. It was not until I was 24, or 25 that I was able to finally grow enough emotionally to leave him, and become the woman that I was supposed to be.

    And you know what that pivotal piece was, that finally made me leave? My career. I was able to finally, finally, after 25 years of life, to see myself in a different light, other than the "weak, fragile woman". I realized that most every one else saw me as strong, smart, and able - and that was when the light came on.

    All of this to say, do not give up your hopes on Nichole. She is still SO young. She is still a baby, raising a baby.........and it may take her awhile to come into her own. But I believe she will.

    Encourage her to develop a career, go to vocational school, find her own place to live - even if you pay for awhile. Whatever helps her feel like a stronger more competent person. Those are the best tools you can give her. And someday it will all come together for her. :smile:
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member


    go to yahoo groups and do a search for DBT. You have to have a yahoo ID but that is all.
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It sounds like what L was saying a year or so ago. Now her boyfriend called it quits, she's dating and he supposedly wants her back. They don't want the same things, to be sure. But do either of them really want the other? I hope both of our difficult child's hold off. Marriage would be a mess at this point for L.