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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 649920" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>Yes, maybe it is the absence of expectations, or the absence of condemnation...Maybe I am just hung up on this idea of judgment.</p><p></p><p>In reading other posts on other threads, I have realized that the sticking point for me is the difference between love and doing stuff for the person to express that love.</p><p></p><p>When I love someone, I do stuff for them. If they ask, I do it without question. That has always been true.</p><p></p><p>But that's where it all gets warped when we are in "difficult child" territory.</p><p></p><p>To me, loving someone means you accept them and their behavior without question. That I understand. I can give that to both my Perfect Child and my Difficult Child. I can accept their behavior. I mean, really, what choice do I have?</p><p></p><p>But when they ask for help, to me loving them means that you take what they ask at face value, and you take it on faith that they love you back as much as you love them. You give what they ask without question, because you know they are not going to abuse that. Of course they wouldn't. There is a sacred bond, a bond sealed in love, between a parent and his or her child.</p><p></p><p>I pity the poor fool, including me, who does this again and again with most of the offspring we have here.</p><p></p><p>Forgive me if that is judging, but some of our children are downright predatory and most of the others are either temporarily or permanently unable to see that their version of "help" depletes us and leaves us feeling used and abused. And if they see it, they don't care. They are just trying to get through the next 5 minutes of their lives and they don't care who they hurt to do it.</p><p></p><p>It is easy to love them from a distance, to wish them well. It is another thing to love them when they are saying they need food, they need a lawyer, they need, they need, and Mom won't you please help me?</p><p></p><p>And we give it. And we end up feeling like crap.</p><p></p><p>So where is the serenity in that?</p><p></p><p>The absence of expectations, the absence of condemnation...those I understand.</p><p></p><p>But the absence of judgment? I am still not so sure.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 649920, member: 17720"] Yes, maybe it is the absence of expectations, or the absence of condemnation...Maybe I am just hung up on this idea of judgment. In reading other posts on other threads, I have realized that the sticking point for me is the difference between love and doing stuff for the person to express that love. When I love someone, I do stuff for them. If they ask, I do it without question. That has always been true. But that's where it all gets warped when we are in "difficult child" territory. To me, loving someone means you accept them and their behavior without question. That I understand. I can give that to both my Perfect Child and my Difficult Child. I can accept their behavior. I mean, really, what choice do I have? But when they ask for help, to me loving them means that you take what they ask at face value, and you take it on faith that they love you back as much as you love them. You give what they ask without question, because you know they are not going to abuse that. Of course they wouldn't. There is a sacred bond, a bond sealed in love, between a parent and his or her child. I pity the poor fool, including me, who does this again and again with most of the offspring we have here. Forgive me if that is judging, but some of our children are downright predatory and most of the others are either temporarily or permanently unable to see that their version of "help" depletes us and leaves us feeling used and abused. And if they see it, they don't care. They are just trying to get through the next 5 minutes of their lives and they don't care who they hurt to do it. It is easy to love them from a distance, to wish them well. It is another thing to love them when they are saying they need food, they need a lawyer, they need, they need, and Mom won't you please help me? And we give it. And we end up feeling like crap. So where is the serenity in that? The absence of expectations, the absence of condemnation...those I understand. But the absence of judgment? I am still not so sure. [/QUOTE]
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