Loving a child who doesnt want love.....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by fancylady, Jan 6, 2012.

  1. fancylady

    fancylady New Member

    Hello everyone,

    Havent posted on here for a while, been very crazy here. My soon to be stepson is really becoming out of control. He walks around with a bad attitude, gets in trouble at school and at home, and clearly says its my fault he gets himself in trouble. Dont know what to do anymore. Anyone have any pointers?
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hi, FancyLady,

    Can you tell us more about this lad?
    How old is he?
    How is he doing in school?
    Past history - how much was he bounced around? adopted? medical history? development?
    Any dxes (diagnoses)?
    What is his current living situation?
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Your post says that this is your first post...do you have a prior name/signature? HI by the way, lol

    What is the situation? Does he have special needs? Does he have a mental illness, how old is he? etc....

    As you know, many of us here are willing to share, just helps if we know a little more. I remember a post by someone who was getting married and was concerned about the step son, like within the past month... Was that you?

    Look forward to hearing from you! Until then.. one pointer... especially if you are the one with your own son coming into the marriage... maybe not time to schedule a date yet???? I dont mean that flippant or cruel... just asking.
  4. fancylady

    fancylady New Member

    He is going to be 12 next month, and he has been living with his father and me for about 6 yrs now. His mother abandoned him, and we know he was abused and neglected by her. We had him repeat the 4 th grade, so he is a year behind n school, and right now he is failing most of his subjects. He does not have any medical conditions that would help explain a lot of the defiant behavior. It has been noted by a doctor that he is abusive to me, and that if he does not stop he will be removed from the home.
    I love him like he is my own and cry a lot because of how much pain he clearly is in. He has told me that I am worthless, he wished I was dea, he hates me, and Ive beocme immune to those responses. I just want him to realize that he is loved, but he still says i dont love and and I dont care about him. I have stod up to his mother for him, defended him at school against ridiculing teachers and staff, when they are clearly in the wrong, but I dont know what else to do. I am now losing sleep every nite out of fear. It is difficult to do since there is another child in the house, who does not seem to be affected by all this, and I go to college full time, which is very hard to do when he has his outbursts. Im at a point of desperation because I dont want to give up on him, but he continues to push my love and care away, which he says he wants.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Has he attended anger management classes? Has he had a neuropsychologist evaluation? What does his Dad actively do as his Father? Often we find that bioDad's defer childraising to stepMom's. Is that the case?
    Also wondering if he is seen by any professionals on a regular basis. Lots of questions but like the others I'm trying to get the picture to see if I can offer any help. Hugs. DDD
  6. fancylady

    fancylady New Member

    He has been getting professional help, but had to stop due to legal issues with bio mother and father. His father is very active in the raising. He is becoming more angry, privately, with his sons behavior. The father is getting to the point where one of these times when his son has his outburst and abuses him, it takes everything out of him not to react on his son, which he knows will not solve anything. He is in counseling sessions twice a week, which had to be stopped because the counselfor was implying things, digging for things that are not there, and making out loud assumptions, but basically harrassing him during school time, and has notably stated that she thinks he is being abused, which is not the case. The son manipulates people to his advantage, and has made up many lies about what does happen, and what does not happen, with the common factor being taking the blame off of himself, and whoever gets blamed will get hurt or in trouble, and he has no remorse for it.
    We would love to continue the help, but legal matters have to be taken care of, which is difficult because the mother is out of the country, that we are aware of.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Have you ever looked into attachment disorders?
    Kids whose early years are really messed up - neglect or abuse - can end up not forming normal healthy attachments...
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    So his Dad does not have the legal right to make decisions for his physical or mental health needs? Yikes, that is a major problem. Sounds like trying to put out a blazing fire using a coffee cup of water.
    I'm sorry that you can't get professional help. Truthfully I don't see how your family unit can solve the complex problems that exist with-o outside intervention by well trained professionals. Sending hugs. DDD
  9. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Hi Fancylady. I'm sorry your family is going through this. My difficult child 1 is similar to your son, I think. My suggestion is to document everything. Write everything down the psychiatrist says, your son, etc.
  10. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    i am also a step-mother to a boy that hates me and blames me for everything. he has also told others that i scratched his face up and other such nonsense to try and get me in trouble. i don't have any answer for you, i can only imagine how much more hateful and difficult my difficult child will probably be by the time he reaches that age and can't imagine not being able to reach out for professional help. can his father not get an emergency court order naming him primary care giver at least until the mother replies? ugh, we have issues with the same thing and haven't really been able to do much because bio mom is off hooking and using drugs and refuses to reply to anything. we are able to get him medical help though, but he has no birth certificate and bio named another man as father on the bc so dad can't get one. not that big an issue but he can't get into hockey or anything and some school problems because of it.
    before reading you have been raising him for 6 years i was going to suggest running away, and not looking back but i guess it's probably too late for that now..lol
  11. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    I cant assume anything, but it almost sounds as if he is taking out all this hurt and anger he has against his biomom on to you!!!!!
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I second this. Here is a link about kids who lack attachment due to early neglect and lots of different caregivers. And you nailed it right when you said he doesn't want to (or is scared) to be loved. Most therapists have no idea how to diagnose or treat attachment disorders. I"d look for one who specializes in adopted kids since so many older adopted kids have attachment issues and deal with what YOU deal with all the time.


  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome. I am sorry for all of your pain.
    I agree, he is probably taking out his anger toward his bmom on you. It's totally logical. I would also look up attachment disorders. Has he been treated for that in the past? It's a lifetime issue, really, so just one or two sessions won't cut the mustard.
    I would also work on resolving the legal issues.