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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 84654" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Pamela & Susie, I'm with you guys. We're secure in our relationship and talk to each other all the time. Who we sit with to have lunch is no big deal, unless it is a big deal to the other person and we haven't workd it out - therein lies "Fatal Attraction". But that's what works FOR US. Different people are coming from different places and you need to be OK with things in yourself and with your partner.</p><p></p><p>The issue comes down to - would this be seen as lacking in loyalty? Either by you, or your husband? If not, don't fret. If so, then don't go there.</p><p></p><p>My husband works in an environment where some very attractive young girls are constantly around. I know he looks. He tells me he looks. But I'm not threatened by it because I know he has too much respect for me, for himself and for the people he works with.Also, my husband really doesn't often notice when he's being flirted with. He's always been like that. And yes, blokes love having their ego stroked - don't we all? But as women, we grow up more aware of the risk of being exploited. Exploitation is such an everyday thing for so many of us (unless you're being raised in some sort of hippy utopia) and as a result, I think women recognise the potential for exploitation far quicker than most of their men. And really, that's what a threatening flirtation is - it's someone priming you for exploitation. Having someone say nice things to you BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING - you - we're more likely to see this Mack truck heading our way.</p><p></p><p>I know there were times in the long distant past when husband was being groomed by a flirt and he didn't see it. And I know the same thing has happened to me - some of these people really are skilled. Or sick. Or both. But there are far more occasions when I've had lunch (or he's had lunch) with a colleague in a totally innocent capacity. </p><p></p><p>As for sending stuff out by email - husband is a sender. We're both receivers. He often runs stuff by me to ask, "Do you think the ladies on my mailing list would value this? Or would they be offended?"</p><p>He subdivides his list so specifically male jokes only go to those males who would value them. And similarly, when stuff comes in which he knows the ladies would find hilarious but the men would just find gross, he vets who it goes to.</p><p>Star posted something a couple of days ago which I showed husband. He then dug up a web page and said, "I'm sure she'd enjoy this, via a PM."</p><p>I looked at it and thought, maybe. But the page is attached to other stuff which is maybe not such a good idea. I don't know, so let's be safe. The thing is, we talk about it, we share stuff, we ask each other and don't just rush in.</p><p></p><p>Back about the time husband & I married (it might have been just before) I worked for an engineering firm for about 18 months and used to go out for lunch once a week with a very shy work colleague. One of the secretaries got me involved - this young man happened to be a member of South Sydney Leagues Club (the Sydney football club Russell Crowe recently bought and is trying to rebuild). Being a club member, my colleague could get himself and guests in for the REALLY CHEAP seafood buffet on Tuesday lunchtimes (we each paid our own way, of course). He knew we weren't interested in him - just the seafood - but we were happy to chat with him and talk about work, about music - all friendly chat. We'd ask him about football and the kids' team he coached. No flirtation whatsoever. He was shy, terrified of ANY female possibly making a move on him. My being engaged made me safe to be around, for him.</p><p>Then the other secretary left and was replaced by another girl, newly married and also a bit shy. I spoke to my male workmate about inviting her along, he seemed happy with this. So I spoke to her - she seemed happy too. But her boss overheard and put his foot down. The boss immediately put the WORST possible construction on it and told our shy male co-worker to stop flirting with the young women who were spoken for, and to leave us alone. The boss (not my boss, either) then turned to me and said, "You're already engaged, why are you trying to lead this young man astray? You should be focussing on your own upcoming wedding and not shopping around for another man. And to involve my innocent young secretary in your schemes is reprehensible."</p><p>Needless to say, the poor young man was mortified. He was too embarrassed to even speak to me after that, although I made it very clear that I was also angry with the boss over his highhandedness. But this nice, shy young man's concern was, if the boss thought that way, then what did other people in the company think of him? </p><p></p><p>So there went our really fabulous, inexpensive Tuesday seafood buffets at the club. Back to eating a Vegemite sandwich in the park.</p><p></p><p>Some people really do make trouble when they choose to put the worst possible construction on a situation. I find this fascinating - it's the people who think the worst who often are most likely to do it themselves. It's like, "You must have stolen a box of pencils from work, because that's what I would do."</p><p></p><p>The important thing is to know the boundaries. A skilled flirt will blur the boundaries, or lead you past them. I think that's why this is such a grey area for so many people.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 84654, member: 1991"] Pamela & Susie, I'm with you guys. We're secure in our relationship and talk to each other all the time. Who we sit with to have lunch is no big deal, unless it is a big deal to the other person and we haven't workd it out - therein lies "Fatal Attraction". But that's what works FOR US. Different people are coming from different places and you need to be OK with things in yourself and with your partner. The issue comes down to - would this be seen as lacking in loyalty? Either by you, or your husband? If not, don't fret. If so, then don't go there. My husband works in an environment where some very attractive young girls are constantly around. I know he looks. He tells me he looks. But I'm not threatened by it because I know he has too much respect for me, for himself and for the people he works with.Also, my husband really doesn't often notice when he's being flirted with. He's always been like that. And yes, blokes love having their ego stroked - don't we all? But as women, we grow up more aware of the risk of being exploited. Exploitation is such an everyday thing for so many of us (unless you're being raised in some sort of hippy utopia) and as a result, I think women recognise the potential for exploitation far quicker than most of their men. And really, that's what a threatening flirtation is - it's someone priming you for exploitation. Having someone say nice things to you BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING - you - we're more likely to see this Mack truck heading our way. I know there were times in the long distant past when husband was being groomed by a flirt and he didn't see it. And I know the same thing has happened to me - some of these people really are skilled. Or sick. Or both. But there are far more occasions when I've had lunch (or he's had lunch) with a colleague in a totally innocent capacity. As for sending stuff out by email - husband is a sender. We're both receivers. He often runs stuff by me to ask, "Do you think the ladies on my mailing list would value this? Or would they be offended?" He subdivides his list so specifically male jokes only go to those males who would value them. And similarly, when stuff comes in which he knows the ladies would find hilarious but the men would just find gross, he vets who it goes to. Star posted something a couple of days ago which I showed husband. He then dug up a web page and said, "I'm sure she'd enjoy this, via a PM." I looked at it and thought, maybe. But the page is attached to other stuff which is maybe not such a good idea. I don't know, so let's be safe. The thing is, we talk about it, we share stuff, we ask each other and don't just rush in. Back about the time husband & I married (it might have been just before) I worked for an engineering firm for about 18 months and used to go out for lunch once a week with a very shy work colleague. One of the secretaries got me involved - this young man happened to be a member of South Sydney Leagues Club (the Sydney football club Russell Crowe recently bought and is trying to rebuild). Being a club member, my colleague could get himself and guests in for the REALLY CHEAP seafood buffet on Tuesday lunchtimes (we each paid our own way, of course). He knew we weren't interested in him - just the seafood - but we were happy to chat with him and talk about work, about music - all friendly chat. We'd ask him about football and the kids' team he coached. No flirtation whatsoever. He was shy, terrified of ANY female possibly making a move on him. My being engaged made me safe to be around, for him. Then the other secretary left and was replaced by another girl, newly married and also a bit shy. I spoke to my male workmate about inviting her along, he seemed happy with this. So I spoke to her - she seemed happy too. But her boss overheard and put his foot down. The boss immediately put the WORST possible construction on it and told our shy male co-worker to stop flirting with the young women who were spoken for, and to leave us alone. The boss (not my boss, either) then turned to me and said, "You're already engaged, why are you trying to lead this young man astray? You should be focussing on your own upcoming wedding and not shopping around for another man. And to involve my innocent young secretary in your schemes is reprehensible." Needless to say, the poor young man was mortified. He was too embarrassed to even speak to me after that, although I made it very clear that I was also angry with the boss over his highhandedness. But this nice, shy young man's concern was, if the boss thought that way, then what did other people in the company think of him? So there went our really fabulous, inexpensive Tuesday seafood buffets at the club. Back to eating a Vegemite sandwich in the park. Some people really do make trouble when they choose to put the worst possible construction on a situation. I find this fascinating - it's the people who think the worst who often are most likely to do it themselves. It's like, "You must have stolen a box of pencils from work, because that's what I would do." The important thing is to know the boundaries. A skilled flirt will blur the boundaries, or lead you past them. I think that's why this is such a grey area for so many people. Marg [/QUOTE]
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