Lying...and now stealing

[Chellekat]

Hi all,

I used to be on here as "Loving Abbey" and haven't been on in a while. It seems that over the last year and a half I have just been trying to get my little girl back. (Short version: major medication change led to hospitalization). She hasn't needed to be restrained in 4 months which is great and I felt like we were making slow progress. difficult child recently was given the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified diagnosis, where as before it was just Bipolar. All the doctors seems to think both are necessary and accurate, along with anxiety disorder-not otherwise specified.

I am coming to the end of my rope. Two months ago difficult child went into a neighbor's home when they weren't home because she forgot a doll there and the 5 yo little boy next door told her with was ok. Keep in mind we have only lived in this neighborhood for 4 months. That and several blow ups playing with other children has resulted in her already alienating all the kids on the block. difficult child has consistantly been lying and we are constantly re-drecting and addressing it as calmly as possible. She had stolen a few things out of my and SO's bedroom and we had talked with her about it and she lost priviledges for a week. I thought we had nipped it in the bud. Last night I found my SO's mother's favorite earrings in difficult child's pockets while doing laundry.

I don't know what to do about the stealing. I don't understand why she is doing this. I have always tried to teach her values and morals and set a good example for her but it seems that often she does not care about anyone else's feelings. We have structure built into everyday and a rewards/priviledges system that has really helped with a lot of behaviors (though it took about 6 months for her to respond to that system). She has an individual theraptist, and sees the school SW one-on-one and in a social skills group since Kindergarten. She is followed closely by a psychiatrist and we occasionally consult with a psychiatrist/developmental pediatrician who specializes in spectrum kids. We have had home based services on and off for the last year and we will be beginning the PASS program (basically a worker for difficult child that works on social community based goals with difficult child up to 20hrs per week).

We have to go to my SO's parent's home tonight and tell them what happened, I don't know how they are going to react. It is possible that they won't want Abbey in their home anymore. And I can't say that I blame them. They have treated difficult child better than my family ever has. She doesn't really seem sorry and started throwing a fit this am when I told her that she would not be going to the beach today and would not be sleeping over at SO's parents home tonight, as if she had done nothing wrong. I just don't understand and I don't even know what the appropriate consequence would be at this point. Right now, she has lost all priviledges indefinitely, but I don't even know if that's going to make a difference.

Any thoughts or ideas PLEASE?!?!?

 

[compassion]

Chellekat, In my expereince with a daughter with BiPolar (BP), this is part of the territory. The only thing that has helped wit us is secruing locking, hiding everything. I cannot reasonwith her (it is esepiclaly bad during the manic phase.)
I try and focus on positives and strenths as much as possible (she loves animals, is starting to exercise again, and is a great singer.) The consequences/cause/effect have no effect.
Reading a lot about BiPolar (BP) has helped me a lot. Nami is great. I like the Child and Adolescent Foundation board.
Comapassion

 

[mstang67chic]

Yep, been there done that. My best advice (from experience) is to stick to her like glue and question everything. She comes home with a new posession? Track it down and confirm she is able to have it. You go to someone else's house....watch her at all times. If that isn't possible, frisk her before you leave. You might want to find a slightly subtle way of doing it but do it all the same.

If, after you go to SO's parents house, they won't allow her in the house...so be it...natural consequence. Explaining about stealing may or may not do anything....never did here....and natural consequences may not help either but she needs to see that there ARE consequences.

I also do random searches of difficult child's room. EVERY single time I do it, I find contraband. In our house, contraband is anything that does not belong to difficult child. Sometimes it's bigger stuff and sometimes it is stupid little small stuff but I find it Every. Single. Time.

I too think it's part of the BiPolar (BP).....kind of an entitlement thing. I've heard all sorts of excuses and reasoning from difficult child...it was just sitting there, no one was using it, he/she won't miss it, blah blah blah blah blah. Honestly, I don't know how much counseling can help with it. Definately have it discussed often but don't expect miracles. I don't want to bring you down but frankly, don't expect to nip it in the bud. It takes a very long time to get this behavior stopped and sometimes it isn't until after the child is out of the house....if ever. It may decrease greatly but, at least in MY experience, it doesn't stop. Not for this reason anyway.

So...keep things locked up, do random searches, frisk, monitor and basically expect it to happen so you can keep an eye out. Keep discussing the wrongs about stealing and keep handing out the consequences but expect it.

Don't get me wrong.....I'm not trying to bash on your difficult child. But, if this is because of the BiPolar (BP), I've been dealing with it for years and it seriously hoovers. I'm basing all of my advice on my own experience with my difficult child and I've just found it's easier to expect it and be aware than to be taken by surprise. That's not to say that he hasn't pulled one or five over on us but I'm making an effort to keep track. Also, I don't mean that my difficult child or yours are bad kids, and again, assuming it's BiPolar (BP) related, there's just something about BiPolar (BP) that makes mine think he's entitled to anything he sees. He took rings from a girlfriend of mine once. Why he thought he needed a woman's rings I don't know but he saw, he liked and he took. Actually, thinking back...it may not have even been the rings. It could have very well been the thrill of taking them. Who knows. Just be aware that this could very well be something you may not nip in the bud no matter how much you try.

Sending hugs and understanding though. Like I said....been there done that.

 

[Chellekat]

Thanks for the understanding and support. SO's parents took it well with us, but did react more strongly in front of difficult child. I think it is going to take vigulance on me and SO's part. We explained to her that she will be searched whenever we leave somewhere. I'm also having her do a lot of chores to earn "money" towards the things that she wants or needs to try to teach the value of things. How hard you have to work to have school clothes or whatever. I wonder how much of this is related to Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified being that reciprocity is a severe weakness of her, no concept of how anyone feels unless you walk her through it, no concept of social norms no matter how much social skills treatment she gets....

Thanks again