Beth,
I am having basically the same problem. I'm not really sure how to behave where it comes to difficult child and the holidays because mine has made sure that every holiday has turned to poop.
I've had to do so much on my own that I'm not afraid to go anywhere by myself. I work with homeless people and a lot are former inmates and you get to the point where you realize you just have to go for it. Some of them have been nicer than people I've know who are out.
Laughing as I ask this because I don't - but do you have a friend that would go with you instead of husband? And is this something you would regret not going to if you didn't?
I think one of the hardest thing about parenting a difficult child is that history tells us if you do A, then B will happen. But we keep trying because we love our kids and while 49 out of 50 tries if you do A, then B DID happen - it leaves us jaded. But if you did something for difficult child 49 times and then the 50th time said "Nope I'm not NOT NOT going to - you'd always wonder if THAT could have been the ONE time things were different."
I think you should go - maybe your indifference to the entire thing and questioning your going - is telling you to go. You could always leave if it wasn't what you thought.
Hugs - I know this is difficult. Believe me.
Star