Making progress

[Merris]

difficult child is making progress. Now we have some serious issues to deal with. It's going to be REALLY hard to do this, but it must be done.

I have to confront him about what he did to me. He feels remorse, says he feels remorse, but I don't think it's enough. I don't think he understands how serious his offense was and how much it hurt and affected me.

I don't know what I want from him, but it feels like "I'm sorry" is not enough. I just know that I have to express my anger and my devastation at what he did to me. How do you make reparations for what he did? What will be enough? How will we both heal with this standing between us?

He's NOT talking about it, every time I bring it up he says he can't talk about it. I HAVE to talk to him about it. I want answers. Maybe he doesn't remember, but I need to hear his side. I need him to open up to me and let me see what really happened. I want him to sob with regret for hurting the ONE person who has been by his side his whole life, who has sacrificed everything - I want him to feel bad about what he did.

Is this spiteful? Is this mean? Am I asking too much? Should I even bother?

 

[meowbunny]

I think he won't talk about hitting you because he is ashamed and I bet he does feel bad. This is going to make it very hard for him to discuss it. At the same time, I understand your need to hear it. Wanting him to sob about it may be a bit much. He may not be able to show his pain in that way.

Maybe you can do what we did -- my daughter and I sat in front of her therapist. One of us would list all the past hurts and pain inflicted by the other. The other would have to sit, face the other, listen and not say a word. Then the other would do the same. In the list, we included what has been forgiven, what will be forgiven in the future and what honestly will probably never be forgiven. Sincere apologies were said by each of us. At the end, we were both in absolute tears. However, this is not something I would recommend doing alone. It really is best with a mediator to stop the interruptions. Also, both have to agree to listen and none of it can be done in anger.

As I said I do understand your need to hear that he feels bad but I'm really not sure he's capable of doing it.

 

[DDD]

I agree that a mediator is the only safe way to make the attempt
at resolution. I have not been there done that but raw emotions expressed without professional guidance can lead to more pain than less.

Way To Go, Merris. You're inching your way back and I admire your
tenacity. Hugs. DDD

 

[KFld]

I understand how you feel, but sometimes time is what gives you the answers. My difficult child has never actually apologized yet, but I don't think he's at that step in his program yet. I do know by his actions that he is sorry. The way he treats me and the way he tells me he loves me every single time he talks to me. The little comments that let me know he knows what he did to me. Mine never physically hurt me, but mentally he did a number on me.

Maybe the answer is time. This is all a proccess for both of you and you don't want him to say something that isn't coming from his heart. He may need more time to process and deal. I know you need it now, but you don't want it to be false.

 

[everywoman]

It may take a while before he is ready to talk. If he is making progress let him continue to grow. Don't push for answers until he is ready to talk. Hopefully it won't take too long. I know you must be really frustrated, but...you don't want him to lose ground now.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Do you want this apology now Merris? what's the difference if it's in 6mo or a year from now?

I can only imagine what you are feeling. Although you sound much stronger than I've ever heard you, I do hear a little vindictivness. Believe me, I'm not judging in any way, shape, or form. I understand completely what difficult child has done to you and I agree that an apology needs to come. I guess my point is why?, why now? why right this very minute?

I know you will never, ever forget what difficult child did. I do like the idea of using a counselor/mediator to monitor a session where all the hurt can be brought out to the open. If difficult child is not willing to talk about it though...it may not be the right time. That doesn't mean though that it can't happen in the future..

 

[Merris]

You're right. I guess with everything going on now, I'm trying to get everything "straightened out". difficult child and I have years to work this through and since he IS getting better, maybe I should just let it rest until it's the right time.

There is some vindictiveness - I'm still very angry and bitter that this whole thing happened. He has turned it into what happened to "him" with the jail time and everything, but it was his actions that caused it, and the crime was committed against ME.

I love him so much, and to see him getting healthier every day is a blessing. Now with HIM out of the picture, we can go back to being a loving family. My family and I anxiously await his return to us, and I will not be throwing a monkey wrench into his recovery.

I will bide my time and maybe it will come naturally. Maybe someday he will be able to talk to me about it. Maybe some day it won't be that important to me. Like I said, I've been trying to "fix" my life now, and I want everything DONE. It's just not the time to do it.

Thanks for the good advice.

 

[DammitJanet]

Merris...

I can fully understand why you want to hear him say he is sorry for what he has done. He should. Maybe not now but at some point.

I dont think it is out of the question for you to point out when he is turning things into all about him and how it is so hard on him because he was in jail...well...he is responsible for those actions. No one else. Him. You dont have to be mean about it or ugly...just matter of fact. Maybe he will finally get it.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

(((Merris)))

One little tiny suggestion.

Let it come from him when he is ready to offer it. Don't tell him that you would like one. He knows.

When you get one, it will mean the world. And it will be sincere.

 

[DDD]

Why don't you get dressed up for Melissa's wedding procession
and use your imagination to make the cyber trip? It should be
fun and get your mind off reality, my friend. Hugs. DDD

 

[rejectedmom]

Merris. Write it all down in a letter. Get your emotions out, how you feel, what it did to you, how you are changed by it everything! Then take the letter and put it away where he will never find it. When the time comes that you can talk to him about all this, hand him the letter or read from it. I think that the latter should be done with a therapist present. By writting the letter you will have a way of acknowledging your feelings and expressing them. That is something that is absolutely imperative in the healing process. -RM