I have found the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book and workbook (author Randi Kreger) to be VERY helpful. It primarily deals with borderline personality disorder, but many difficult children do exhibit these Cluster B type personality traits in varying doses. They do have good tips on coping with rages, setting limits, and taking charge of your child's medical care.
They have a very enlightening section section about emotional blackmail in the workbook. They say emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don't do what they want. The main tool of the trade is FOG: fear, obligation and guilt. Kids or adults may use emotional blackmail because it's the best or the only way they know how to get what they want or need. Unwilling or unable to make a direct request, FOG becomes the lever of choice to those who suffer from low self-esteem and have trouble setting personal limits and stating what they want. Victims capitulate because they often possess these same qualities.
Some suggested phrases to cope with it:
"I'm sorry, I won't be able to"
"I'm sorry that makes you upset"
"I just can't do that"
"I understand you feel that way, but I'm going to have to say no"
"That's your choice - this is mine"
"I understand I've done that before, but this time I can't"
"Let's talk about this when you're less upset"
"You may have a point, but I can't do it this time"
"I understand you feel that way. I hope you find another solution"
"Threatening me isn't going to work. I've made my decision and I'm asking you to respect that"
They say it's vital to keep in mind you're doing this both to reclaim your life and to ensure the health of the relationship.
These are all excerpts from Stop Walking on Eggshells.
My personal survival throughout my past year's ordeal with my difficult child has been to confide in a FEW trusted people, not sacrifice my own exercise schedule, and to listen to stand-up comedy on satellite radio whenever possible. I can actually laugh through my tears and it makes me feel better even when the world seems to be falling apart! :smile: