I don't even know where to start - so I thought I would just try to write until all this was out of my head. The *main* reason I moved to the NW from the small town in AZ was so that Matt had access to healthcare and help. Also to be closer to my Mom, and because there were not any jobs in my small town. Well, lets just say that I feel further away from my Mom than I ever have, and Matt is now more overwhelmed than he ever has been - and I miss AZ like crazy. In addition Matt lives 1 1/2 hours from me. Matt is just so stuck. We had this FIVE hour long conversation last night. I mean - it was SO deep and intellectual my brain still hurts. It is like he suddenly has a mirror in front of him, and he see every single thing in his life perfectly clear. He sees his every phobia and how it is impacting his life. He sees that his brain is different than everyone else and that makes him feel defective on his better days, suicidal on his worst. He is not willing to accept that him being different is OK. He hates it - he hates himself. He sees no hope for his future. He talked at length about his need to get help for his phobias and life - but it makes him feel even more inferior, unworthy, and like even more of a failure - yet he also knows that he has no other choices other than help or suicide ( "his words"). He was SO suicidal last night. And no, he is not going to a hospital - he has been to 5 thousand hospitals in his life, and they just make it worse. Then he goes on at length about how he would not know what to do without me. He is constantly asking me if I am ok. Am I going to the gym, am I eating healthy - and telling me how if something happens to me that he would never survive. I feel completely smothered - and yet I know it is also true. He has no life, no friends - I am the only one in his life. It makes me feel crazy. It makes him feel crazy. So the obvious choice is for him to "join" classes, or get with a voca rehab place - but his anxiety does not allow him to walk into those places alone. He absolutely freaks out. So the ONLY solution is for him to get connected with this anxiety clinic that will actually start walking him through exercises to manage his anxiety. Of course how he gets there - I don't know - because he is too freaked to ride the bus and I am an hour and a half away. This is such a cluster - I just can't do this anymore. I can't even do my life - let alone continue to be so responsible for his life. And his life makes me so sad....he is in so much internal pain, so conflicted, yet he sees it all so clearly. It seems as if it would make sense for me to "just let him handle" this since he is 21.....but he really is incapable. He just freezes and does nothing. I never thought it would come to this - that he would still be so mentally compromised at 21. Or if this did happen - he would surely have help, support, other than me. I don't know - I can't make him get help. I have done that his whole life, and we see how well that has worked out. I feel just as stuck as he says he feels. Any wisdom or insight? The more I watch Matt, the more I realize that the malady of mental illnesses he has will not become easier in time for him to deal with - but the opposite. Our society is complex and challenging, to navigate - his illness is only exacerbated by social complexities, or chaos. He would never live in a group home - nor could I make him I don't think. If he can't get over his agoraphobia I think he will just sit in his house on disability for the rest of his life - or kill himself.