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Meltdown at Hospital
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 82839" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Cheryl, it's not so much the severity of the meltdowns, as the sensitivity of the triggers. Kids at that age with no other way to deal with a high frustration level will, if sufficiently provoked, totally lose it. So what provokes it? In this case, I think it was a communication failure - you thought he was OK with you throwing out his chips, he either changed his mind (less likely) or failed to understand your intention. THAT is a concern for me, as it seems to indicate a language problem.</p><p></p><p>Language is not about speech, so much as it is about communication and understanding. You did all the right things, from your point of view - you asked a clear question, you got what seemed to be a definite, considered answer. Then the unthinkable - he raged. Which tells me he did not agree, as you thought.</p><p></p><p>So why the confusion?</p><p></p><p>Think about it from his point of view. He's having a good day despite his surroundings being challenging. It's noisy, it's crowded. Being noisy and crowded makes it much harder to stay on task when he's being spoken to. He may have misheard or misunderstood. he may have heard, "Do you like your chips?" or he may have heard any one of a number of possibilities, for which his answer was, "Yes." And then you picked up the chips and threw them away. For him, this is a total infringement on his personal space and his rights as an individual. It is disrespect, it is total lack of consideration for him.</p><p></p><p>I'm not saying you did this with such intent, only that from his point of view, that is what it seemed. And when he raged, you (this inconsiderate, hulking adult) tried to physically restrain him, whereon he fought, clawed, bit and did everything he could to get away from you.</p><p></p><p>While he continues to respond, think and feel this way, he will see you as the enemy. The fact that he began by having a relatively good day shows he is also forgiving. But this level of miscommunication is currently a huge problem and I think he needs to be assessed by a speech pathologist. A good one.</p><p></p><p>"The Explosive Child" is very helpful, I found, at helping you understand the child's point of view. Not so you can always give the child what he wants, that isn't what this is about. But it makes it easier to understand their triggers so you can avoid them, find other ways around them. For example, with the chips - once you understood t hat he was happy for the chips to be thrown away, I would have asked HIM to do it. They're HIS chips, he needs to take responsibility and begin to do things for himself. it's a "big boy" task for which he can earn praise. And if you had done this, it is at THIS point the misunderstanding would have been revealed, probably without a meltdown. He might have shouted at you, "I DON'T WANT TO THROW THEM AWAY, I'M NOT FINISHED!" At which point you quietly say, "I'm sorry, I thought you said you were finished. You don't have to throw them away if you're not finished, it's OK. And please don't shout at me, I'm not shouting at you."</p><p></p><p>His reaction is one of anxiety at losing something he wasn't ready to let go of, and having someone else control this. Kids like this NEED to feel in control because the world is a scary, confusing, chaotic place to their minds and the more the child can control, or predict what is happening, the safer they feel. When they feel unsafe or lacking control, you get rages. What you can do is give him control, where it doesn't infringe on your authority. So if you want him to have a healthy drink like milk, and he doesn't want milk but will happily have some cheese and maybe a drink of water, then let him. You're getting what you want - fluid and nutrition into him - and he is getting to choose the manner in which he gets it. The trick is to avoid backing yourself into a corner too soon. </p><p></p><p>He's still very young. A lot of tantrums are triggered often in kids this age. The degree of the reaction and the frequency is what is upsetting you, and I think this needs to be investigated, so you can help him reduce both the intensity of his reactions, and his need to react. Part of the investigation is your own observations of what YOU see triggering him. Keep a diary, note things down. Often by going back and reading them later, you can see a pattern or spot something you missed first time round. 20:20 hindsight can be very revealing. We often get things wrong in the heat of the moment, but with time and experience we do learn.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. It WILL get better as his communication improves and he learns better control of his frustration. Also, if there is a problem with communication at any level, this will drastically increase his frustration - it can make a HUGE difference.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 82839, member: 1991"] Cheryl, it's not so much the severity of the meltdowns, as the sensitivity of the triggers. Kids at that age with no other way to deal with a high frustration level will, if sufficiently provoked, totally lose it. So what provokes it? In this case, I think it was a communication failure - you thought he was OK with you throwing out his chips, he either changed his mind (less likely) or failed to understand your intention. THAT is a concern for me, as it seems to indicate a language problem. Language is not about speech, so much as it is about communication and understanding. You did all the right things, from your point of view - you asked a clear question, you got what seemed to be a definite, considered answer. Then the unthinkable - he raged. Which tells me he did not agree, as you thought. So why the confusion? Think about it from his point of view. He's having a good day despite his surroundings being challenging. It's noisy, it's crowded. Being noisy and crowded makes it much harder to stay on task when he's being spoken to. He may have misheard or misunderstood. he may have heard, "Do you like your chips?" or he may have heard any one of a number of possibilities, for which his answer was, "Yes." And then you picked up the chips and threw them away. For him, this is a total infringement on his personal space and his rights as an individual. It is disrespect, it is total lack of consideration for him. I'm not saying you did this with such intent, only that from his point of view, that is what it seemed. And when he raged, you (this inconsiderate, hulking adult) tried to physically restrain him, whereon he fought, clawed, bit and did everything he could to get away from you. While he continues to respond, think and feel this way, he will see you as the enemy. The fact that he began by having a relatively good day shows he is also forgiving. But this level of miscommunication is currently a huge problem and I think he needs to be assessed by a speech pathologist. A good one. "The Explosive Child" is very helpful, I found, at helping you understand the child's point of view. Not so you can always give the child what he wants, that isn't what this is about. But it makes it easier to understand their triggers so you can avoid them, find other ways around them. For example, with the chips - once you understood t hat he was happy for the chips to be thrown away, I would have asked HIM to do it. They're HIS chips, he needs to take responsibility and begin to do things for himself. it's a "big boy" task for which he can earn praise. And if you had done this, it is at THIS point the misunderstanding would have been revealed, probably without a meltdown. He might have shouted at you, "I DON'T WANT TO THROW THEM AWAY, I'M NOT FINISHED!" At which point you quietly say, "I'm sorry, I thought you said you were finished. You don't have to throw them away if you're not finished, it's OK. And please don't shout at me, I'm not shouting at you." His reaction is one of anxiety at losing something he wasn't ready to let go of, and having someone else control this. Kids like this NEED to feel in control because the world is a scary, confusing, chaotic place to their minds and the more the child can control, or predict what is happening, the safer they feel. When they feel unsafe or lacking control, you get rages. What you can do is give him control, where it doesn't infringe on your authority. So if you want him to have a healthy drink like milk, and he doesn't want milk but will happily have some cheese and maybe a drink of water, then let him. You're getting what you want - fluid and nutrition into him - and he is getting to choose the manner in which he gets it. The trick is to avoid backing yourself into a corner too soon. He's still very young. A lot of tantrums are triggered often in kids this age. The degree of the reaction and the frequency is what is upsetting you, and I think this needs to be investigated, so you can help him reduce both the intensity of his reactions, and his need to react. Part of the investigation is your own observations of what YOU see triggering him. Keep a diary, note things down. Often by going back and reading them later, you can see a pattern or spot something you missed first time round. 20:20 hindsight can be very revealing. We often get things wrong in the heat of the moment, but with time and experience we do learn. Hang in there. It WILL get better as his communication improves and he learns better control of his frustration. Also, if there is a problem with communication at any level, this will drastically increase his frustration - it can make a HUGE difference. Marg [/QUOTE]
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